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Reviews For Sept. 28- Oct. 4

1. ***** "To Love Someone Is To Give Them What They Need " By Bill Murray
   = What really made this work was sharing the personal story of your ALS. You write well; I hope we see your Testimony here someday. I've heard this sermon before, but it never so clearly as last year, when I was sinking deep in darkness and despair, and someone gave me what *I* needed. Roderick

2. *** "Voices" By Tanya Farrington
   Tanya-Reading lots of trio personality pieces lately. Hate to comment in case you are writing from life experiences. I think it's fiction: people are usually aware of other personalities. The theme is good, but unclear. Who is "he?" and who is "she?" If two of your voices, tell me. Watch spelling errors, "loose" for "lose"--they distract. Needs a revision, but that's what writing is all about. Gerri

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   Webmaster note: I received the review below on Tuesday, and I decided to place it with this week's reviews. Two of our best reviewers, Gerri and PJ, have a slight disagreement with the poem "Voices," which, to me, is great because no reviewer is right or wrong. It is just an opinion. Writers wanting to improve can get some incite in to how other readers see their work, something rare in publishing and something we stress at The Writers' Voice. I hope we continue to get such differing viewpoints. Stu Engle

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3. **** "Voices" By Tanya Farrington
   Tanya - I read another reviewer's comments; I disagree. I think you might be writing from personal experience. One doesn't always know one's other "personalities" - one's other parts. It's not as simple as others would like to believe, is it? There are often fragments and there is a lot of muddiness - lack of clarity. I can relate so much to what you write. If it is fiction, you describe my experiences well - to me, anyway. PJ
4. *** Searching by Jan Henry
   I'd like to see you make your generalities more specific, perhaps using senses. I think you went from no where to a wonderful place a little too quickly. I'd read aloud, pretend you were not the author and ask what is missing, then fill in the holes. Gerri

5. ** "How Will I Know" by Craig Vedder
   Craig--Are you reading your pieces out loud and listening well? You start with a good theme, and then you are on to something else. I liked the second theme better as humor was added and the real you came out--that's common, so what you do is cut the beg. and go on from beg. of second theme. Watch words: you used "hole" in a serious line, when it was "whole." I'd like to see this written as a "Who's going to put up with my snoring?" pice. Gerri

6. **** Final Selection by Raye McDonald
   Raye-Liked this piece. The very end. You need not tell what the reader knows. It takes rather than adds to your story. Excellent piece. Gerri

7. **** SDMby Roderick Young
   Hi--I liked the relaxed tone in which this was told. Good content and characterization. The ended needs changing. Good job. Gerri

8. ***** Inspiration By Bill Elder
   This poem was surprisingly short. It spoke to me of anger and comedy at the same time. It is almost as though he were trying to shock the hacker for punishment or for relief of an addiction. I love it's concise manner and I like the fact that I had to read it a couple of times to hear the meaning. Very well done! Emily S. Janiak (a.k.a.) Smileyjay

9. *** Inspiration By Bill Elder
   Great concept, and the first line feels like Ogden Nash. The meter gets a little clumsy, though, for a rhyme. If you could change just two or three words in the right places, without disturbing the feeling, this would be dynamite. Roderick

10. **** Bumpy By R.L. Walker
    I found "Bumpy" to be a very fun and inspirational poem. I am becoming a bigger fan of Mr. Walker's with every poem. Anonymous

11. ***** Free To Be Me by Sherry Ermish
    a sweet poem and well written. I like poetry that is positive. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. Raye McDonald

12. ***** Finally, Others By Raye McDonald
    A beautiful poem. A lesson for us all. Well done! Jack Mann

13. *** How To Nurture A Violent-Free Child By Peggy Butler
    Very important piece, so content presentation is key. I liked your numbering of how to raise kids, but thought organization of importance was off. Your introduction needed revision. I'm being a little tough here because of topic--has to hit nail, so to speak, right on the head. Gerri

14. *** Finally, Others By Raye McDonald
    Interesting--I'm just wondering if you'd consider taking a different approach with this piece---how your minister is handling this--if you want to discuss how you'd handle knowng how much longer you have on earth, I'd want to see more gut feelings. This is too light in tone. (It'd help if I knew how old you are.) Gerri

15. **** Almost Lazy By Jan Henry
    Clever. Liked the visuals--one negative, and I'm afraid it's a biggie----no dream endings--no no --when you say "dream" disappeared, change to "vision" disappeared. Then, at end, no dream---- Gerri

16. ** Pregnant And Proud By Lily Rotunda
    Lilly--Loved your first paragraph. I don't agree with much of what you said, but THAT DOES NOT COUNT WITH ME; I'm writing as a reader--and, as I read, I wondered, "What is Lilly's point?" How does she support her thesis. Lilly, what is your point? Gerri

17. ***** "Super Bowl Nonsense" By Terry McLain
    Terry----terrific--great writing--clever approach--to tackle American Pie and football. Loved it. Thanks. g.

18. ***** How Will I Know By Craig Vedder
    When you can both be silent
    and it's not awkward
    When you've rubbed the stars
    from your eyes, and see
    each other's faults clearly
    Then you will know.
    So many really good people getting divorced
    who did not know.
    Roderick

19. ***** Take The You Out Of UsBy Alice Bateman
    Alice, you have captured the feeling that too many of us have been through!! Once again, you are such a treasure! gatorgirl

20. ***** Calling Dr. Stein By Geraldine Cook Davis
    Way to pay back those shrinks! Marsh

21. ** The Owl And The Mouse By Jack Mann
    I'm not sure a child could relate to "nutrition" and certainly wouldn't understand how "The Bible says “pour hot coals on their head" means return good for bad; sounds like the opposite to me. With some work, though, this'd be a cute kids' poem. "Reek" is beyond their heads, but being a single syllable, it's one they could learn. Marsh

22. ***** White Undertaker By Alice Bateman
    the rhytm of this piece is terrific; doesn't skip a beat or add a tenth of a second to the metre Marsh

23. ***** Nine Years By Alice Bateman
    quite a piece; again the metre is good. I noticed a typo in this piece:" Am I know, finally, near my goal," which should be "now" and in the one, White Undertaker - you used "then" instead of "than." Both errors tripped me up; took a while to figure out. ...I like this poet's style. Marsh

24. *** How Will I Know By Craig Vedder
    How will any of us know, in this busy world? Many of us are left feeling "hole," but I think you meant "whole"! Also, in "Can anyone stand me for the rest of their life," it should be "for the rest of her life" - you don't want more than one wife, do you???? AnyONE refers to one person, so requires a his or her, not a they. In a poem, errors like that throw off the rhythm. But I sure can relate! (maybe we ought to get away from the computer, eh?! No real people here) Marsh

25. ***** How To Nurture A Violent-Free Child By Peggy Butler
    Last night's 20/20 segment reminded me once again, of the violent society in which we live. The show featured "the boy in the window", with whom Americans have come familar with. The message is clear, like it or not, as parents we are responible for our children. Vivian

26. ** The Prophecies of Mommy By Matthew Colley
    I'm afraid I lack the sophistication to understand what you're trying to say. Roderick

27. ***** My Portrait Of A Leader By Raye McDonald
    Very well done. Sadly, few can fit in this frame, but L.B. certainly does. When you mix all these colors together, the portrait becomes white. Jack Mann

28. **** Shattered Dreams By Kathryn Charak
    Very interesting. I couldn't quite grasp what it was about, but I'm not a big reader of poetry anyway. Nathan Black

29. **** A Day To Remember By Jack Mann
    Good piece, cut to the bone if you decide to rewrite----how about drama, how did your gut feel, mine would be doing a dance-before the tragedy--get fresh bed. and end. good piece. Gerri

30. * "The Prophecies of Mommy" By Matthew Colley
    Matthew- What are you trying to convey? I read the first par. twice, and got "some idea of what you were trying to say," but it's so terribly congested with crazed rheteric that this reader just can't go on with the reading. The title alone is terribly unclear, and the title needs to forecast what's to come. Gerri

31. *** "A Woman Worth Remembering" By Roderick Young
    I have mixed feelings on this one. You assume Natalie is a little girl, maybe not. I like "her" message but I think presentation could be better, and, again, because I have two views on this, perhaps it's style, a choppy par. after choppy par. that keeps it from a fine-honed five. I did like it. Gerri

32. *** St. Francis: Radical Revolutionary By Alice Bateman
    First, change the title--you don't think him a revolutionary, state that up front. The "I" perspective scared me for a minute. Like your concept and content--cut to the bone if you can. Make sure organization is O.K. I could not read every single sentence--subject matter for this reader isn't high. But, I did comment on it as a piece of writing, didn't deal with belief system. Gerri

33. ** Alone Again By emkay
    emkay--tone needs maturity--but, you got to me, because I felt for person who falls into same trap-- some of the stanzas were off in content--off subject--try again, add guts and gore, after all, Haloween is upon us---be more specific--hair and eye color--the way it is doesn't say anything really---do you know what I mean? Gerri

34. *** Come Home by Jan Henry
    Jan--yes, been there; done that--but, make it wrenching--show me your tension-your fear--how fearful--how deep--then the anger--like--what? the tone needs to spit hellfire Gerri

35. ***** To Love Someone Is To Give Them What They Need by Bill Murray
    I liked his message because he defined love in a way that is different from most people's definition. Bill Murray was very inspirational in his sermon and I was very excited to read the sermon. I even printed it out so that I can study how to be more of a loving person. Andrew J. Bird

36. ***** The Owl And The Mouse Meet Stinky Snake by Jack Mann
    I liked this poem because I love animals and I love it when people and animals look out for each other. I also thought it was very well written. Elena