Need rock and roll advice, Crowdie style? You've come to the right place. If you have any questions about etiquette or need any advice about your dreary, pathetic life just ask Pineapple Head. Send your letters to email@example.com.
Dear Pineapple Head,
I've loved Finn-related things all my life, but lately when I listen to my favourite Finney albums I just feel weary and uninspired. What can I do to regain the old spark?
What am I? An arsonist or an advice columnist? Here's how a lapsed Finnatic can regain the spark. Light 16 candles and place them in your bathroom. Then wash your hair in kerosene while bopping to your favorite Finn disc. This is guaranteed to provide more than a few sparks...
Dear Pineapple Head,
I have noticed a strange crystalline growth on a few of my Crowded House CD Singles. What is it, and how can I remove it. And can I make it grow on my parents Celine Dion CDs?
Perplexed in Pittsburgh
I consulted my experts in the area of imbecilic, I mean popular, science. They tell me that this so-called growth is a rare form of fungus. The best, and only known, way to remove it is to lick it off. If you want to make it grow on Celine Dion CDs, you must lick her. Ick. If you believe this, I have some oceanfront property in Nebraska that I'd be delighted to fob off, I mean, sell you.
Yo Pineapple Ed,
What the fuck is being said at the start of Shark Attack?
First, of all it's head, you sub-moronic twit. Second, I hate vulgar language like that, you disgusting bastard! Finally, it's none of your damn business what's being said at the start of any song, let alone one by Split Enz. Oh yeah, give my regards to your friend, Butt-Ed.
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