A lost essay, reconsidered, resurrected, and annotated
Greetings to all and sundry from the sultry land of Ohio.
It has been awhile since my last 'zine, and there are good reasons for the delay. In truth, life has been turbulent of late.
To make a long story short, Della and I are now separated. I suppose this isn't too much of a surprise to some of you. Some of you probably are surprised at how long we lasted. A couple weeks from now will be our 12th wedding anniversary. Add to that the 3 years we were dating before that, and we'll have been 'together' for 15 years. And now it's over.
True, we are still officially married, but despite some half-hearted talk about getting back together in the future, we both know it's over, and that getting back together is not an option.
So, Della has returned to Florida, and I'm still here in Cleveland, working hard, and preparing to move from the duplex here in Shaker Heights to a new place in Cleveland Heights along with my friend, Ashoke. Who is Ashoke, you ask? Well, he's a friend. Not a boyfriend (yet!), although we are definitely sympatico, and who knows where that might lead in the future? Basically, we're moving in together because it makes sense to do so financially. More news on that as it develops.
Life without Della is... different. Her leaving wasn't sudden or unexpected. We discussed it for weeks, and in the week or so before she left, she was busy packing. She hadn't been terribly happy in Ohio, and there's been little I could do to help that.
"Things are going to be different" she kept saying before we moved up north. Yes, things *were* different here. I tried to spend more time with her, less time in the gay scene, and did my damndest to be a better husband than I've been in the past. For her part, she refused to keep a job for any length of time, made little effort to adapt to her new surroundings, resisted dealing with my family here, continued to mismanage our finances, and in general treated me even more like a walking paycheck than she already had been. So, yes, things were different, but somehow, when she said that, I expected that things would somehow be better, not worse. On top of that, she began playing stupid jealousy games that wouldn't have worked on me even in high school, telling me about how all the guys at work wanted her so much...what did she expect me to say? That they didn't? That she should 'go for it'?
Ok, I guess I sound bitter, petty, and vindictive now. But I'm not. I feel sorry for her. I miss her terribly. I feel pale. I feel transparent, like brittle glass.
I suppose I will always love her. How could I spend 15 years with her and not love her? Despite our problems (and I recognize that I am equally as responsible for them as she is), I always have.
But I also feel greatly relieved. For the first time in ages, I feel in control of my future. We've agreed to split our communal debt in half. I should have my half paid off in 6 months. So long as I'm paying only for my own way, I will be financially secure, at least. I wonder if she'll ever pay off her half.
I think a lot about what the future holds for us. I definitely see a divorce in our future.
I'll be OK. I have a decent job, and I've always been adaptable, but I worry about her. Perhaps she'll be OK on her own, but I can't imagine Del as being on her own. She needs a guy to 'take care of her' -- I suspect she'll have little trouble finding a guy, but I worry that she'll play the same games with him and end up unhappy again. But maybe I'm underestimating her. Maybe she'll find a guy who worships her and she'll never have to lift a finger again. For her sake, I hope she'll find something close to that, because that seems to be what she really wants.
I'm not looking for a relationship right now. Not now, and maybe not for a very long time. I have a lot to consider, and a lot to re-evaluate about my own life, much less about getting involved again so soon after this separation. I've been spending a lot of time at home, rather than going out, and I've been talking a lot with Ashoke about things. He's been great. I feel lucky to have a good friend like him around, but I wonder if Del will have the same benefit back in Florida. I wonder what she'll be saying about all of this. Her friends in Florida are my friends too. I'm confident that if she starts mythologizing this situation and talking me down, my family and friends will be able to see through it. Perhaps not her family, though. I suppose I need to just wait and see what the future will hold. I'm just looking forward to a time when I can look back at all this and laugh instead of cry.
No mailing comments this time around. I'm a bit too drained for that.
See you all next time.
Things did get better, of course. In fact, by the time the divorce became final, I realized fully how horrible a mistake it had been to have been married to begin with, and the sense of freedom that had begun to emerge at my separation was fully realized. I travelled, I had fun, I had security. In short, I am 3000% happier now than I was when I was married.
My friends didn't change. Del didn't talk me down as much as I'd feared, and the few distortions that were told were easily dismissed. I don't blame Della. She obviously had some ill feeling of her own to deal with, and being a creative person, she dealt with it by creating. Recently, she wrote a poem on her weblog that talked a little about her feelings on the subject. I would like to post it here, but that will depend on her permission. I'm a bit reluctant to ask her, though.
She truly is a remarkable woman, and while we were together, we had a lot more good times than bad. I wish her nothing but good will and happiness.
One other thing that impresses me about this article is how eerily prescient I was about some things:
Della found a new guy, alright, only a few months after this was written. Our divorce was finalized in 1994, and they were married very shortly thereafter. Now she's settled down with 2 kids, and doesn't work at a job anymore. I wonder if that goal is as fulfilling as she imagined it would be.
She is now a published writer, writes yaoi fan-fic, and has her own weblog where she mythologizes her life.
Ashoke and I were roomies for the next 4 years. The relationship thing really never did pan out. He was an excellent roomie, though (the absolute best I've ever had), and the happy adopted mommy of my old cat, Hodge-Podge.
My financial security was ensured by separation. While I didn't pay off all my debts within the 6 months I predicted, (I took a trip to Finland in 1994) it was all paid off very quickly, (in 8-9 months or so) and by late 1995, I had saved up enough to go to Europe for 7 months for my 1996-97 trip.
I was completely debt-free from 1994 until my student loans put me back into the negative column again. Argh. (but at least I have a BFA for my trouble)
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