The True Story of my Sexual Awakening
When I tell people that I'm bisexual, I get a variety of responses. Most people are surprised. "Well, you don't seem gay." is something I hear a lot. "That's because I'm not gay," I say, "I'm bi."
One would be shocked by the number of otherwise intelligent people out there that either do not know or understand bisexuality, or simply refuse to believe that it really exists. "Impossible, you're just confused." is something I've often heard from straight people. "Make up your mind!!" is another response I've heard frequently, mostly from gay people. Still, they are wrong.
"I'm queer." is a phrase that I bandied about a lot when I first arrived at college back in 1997. To me it makes it much easier than labeling myself any other way. People do assume that I simply mean "gay", but to people who know me well, they know that my sexual orientation is an ambiguous entity at best. For gosh sakes, I was married for 12 years.. it wasn't all a lie! Truth be told, I like women. I like men too. Like most bi folks I have a preference in one direction, and for me it's towards males, but I can certainly appreciate the charms of the opposite sex as well.
In fact, my early sexual feelings were towards both. Prior to the beginnings of puberty, I had sexual feelings mostly towards other males, my age or older. I didn't recognize these feelings as sexual, but hindsight is always 20/20. I knew that the male body intrigued me, and that female bodies weren't as interesting. As I approached puberty (about age 11), I began to have a similar interest in females. I would admire and fantasize about classmates of both genders in my 6th grade class, and also some of my friends in the neighborhood. I still remember the first stirrings of feelings that I could definitely identify as sexual.
In 7th grade science class, I was paired up with a kid I'll call Scott. He was blond, blue-eyed, and rather nervous and geeky. One day in class, I found myself staring at him and it suddenly hit me. I wanted him in a sexual way. This was an entirely new revelation. I knew about the mechanics of sex, of course, but puberty saw these lessons starting to hit home in an entirely new way. About this same time, I was in the Junior High school orchestra, and my fellow cellist (a girl I'll call Marian) was another person I found extremely attractive. She had dark hair,hazel eyes, and a nice laugh. I was the only male in the string section, so I got a bit of attention from the girls, which I reciprocated in a very awkward way. I was a chubby, awkward 11 and 12 year old, who was completely naive in most ways, especially in dealing with people. My own dysfunctional upbringing did not provide very good examples on dealing with these lessons.
I must mention that I was probably more curious and sex-obsessed than most of my peers at this age, although I was able to keep most of this quiet from my friends. I had "played around " with friends as a kid, never getting very far. At age 12, one of my male friends and I were engaging in a series of awkward, fumbling, low-level sexual meetings, but they never amounted to much. They weren't sex, per se, but touching and petting. I never had any guilt or shame about these experimentations. It all felt good and was consensual and fun, so I really never gave it second thought. I was lucky that I never really opened up to other friends about it. Homophobia was not something that I really knew about or considered until later, and as I became aware of the term "fag", I somehow knew instinctually that it was best kept quiet. I often wonder what became of that friend, we lost touch in 1975, and I haven't heard a thing since.
When I was 12, I had my first real romantic crush. He was a friend about a year younger than I. He lived nearby, and for some time was my playmate of choice. My feelings went unrevealed and probably unreciprocated, but I was strongly touched by his gentle nature and good company, and I kept everything else to myself. We lost touch when I moved to Florida in 1975. I wonder about him sometimes as well.
My early teenage years were emotionally turbulent. I was displaced from my familiar surroundings and forced to move to a place I didn't want to go, leaving everything behind me at a time when I really wanted and needed stability. I don't blame anyone for this, of course, but it was another burden on top of everything else that I was forced to bear.
My crushes in Florida were predominantly on girls. (though I had a lot of them on people of both genders) I had my first "girlfriend" in 8th Grade. All we ever did was hold hands in the hallway at school, but I did kiss her once. At this point, I was a skinny, gawky kid trying hard to fit into what seemed like a hostile and unforgiving city of strangers. Thoughts of other boys were shoved to the back burner for a few years, although they never went away.
I lost my virginity at 14. She was not a girlfriend, per se ... in fact, I hardly knew her. But after a few weeks of "making out" and fumbling around, we took the relationship to a higher level. Shortly after, I lost touch with her for a long time. (I am now back in touch with her, she is married with kids, and very happy.) -- After this, I was caught up in a relationship with an older woman... well, to think back, she was probably no older than 21 or 22, but to a horny 15 year old, she was a delight. I periodically would cut her lawn, and would ocassionally run into she and her husband out on the beach near our house. Her husband was an officer in the Canadian armed forces, and spent a lot of time away. They stayed with his grandfather, a nearly blind and deaf old man who spoke only French. Laura (not her real name) would take care of the old man all winter, and as you might imagine, got pretty lonely. I was attracted to her, but never really thought about pursuing anything.. She was, after all, married, and older to boot. I thought of her mainly as an employer, she paid decent money for lawn work, so I often went back there. One day I ran into her alone on the beach, and we struck up conversation. Soon, she was telling me about all of her problems, and her loneliness. It was awkward, and she was clearly not happy, so I did my best to be a sympathetic ear. I told her about my troubled past as well, and we hit it off on a personal level. I saw her as a fully-rounded human being for the first time. The next time I went to cut the lawn, she invited me in for coffee, and soon I began going over to her house just to see her, drink coffee, and talk and laugh. (Note: my friend Eli says this sounds like the plot of a bad porno flick, but Od's truth, it's all honest!) One day she started asking me about my girlfriends. I smiled and stammered and did my best to not appear uncomfortable. I had only recently met the girl I would later marry, though we had not yet begun dating. To make a long story short, Laura and I continued to meet, and one hot summer day, after a dip in her pool, nature took its course. I saw Laura and had sex with her on and off for about a year. Eventually her husband's grandfather passed away, and they sold his house in Florida. I never saw her again, although she and I have traded emails periodically over the years. She seems much happier now.
Some moral crusaders might say that I was "abused" or "molested" by this woman. After all, I was a minor under 16 years old. But I defy anyone to say it wasn't completely 100% consensual or that it was in any way molestation. It was a very real and utterly positive situation that has really shaped my attitudes towards the whole issue of Age of Consent (see my essay on the topic --here--) She made me feel attractive..like someone desirable, and it was more than 'just sex'.. there was a genuine fondness between us, and I would never trade that relationship for anything!
I had plenty of non-sexual female friends at that time too. Della, my future wife; Lisa, a near and dear neighbor whom I worked with at my part-time job, and various school chums too. During this period of my life, I spent a lot more time among women than men.
Late in my 16th year, I was converted to Christianity, and I repented my "evil and unclean" ways. I did my best to block out my entire past and all of my past relationships. I was truly an asshole during this time. I'm amazed that some of my friends stuck with me through that period.
During that time, I dated my future wife exclusively, and we had a pure, platonic romance for several years before we were married in 1981. But during my time as a Christian, I began to rediscover my attraction for men.. long shuffled away, it began to see new light. I fought it, of course. By then, I had been fully indoctrinated into the whole Christian propoganda machine, and sex was wrong. Sex between men was worse than wrong! But the thoughts were there, and while I never acted on these thoughts, I had crushes on other boys and men all through high school and afterward.
In 1981, I was married to Della, and for a few years, I was happy. But as time went on, my feelings towards men became stronger, and eventually impossible to ignore any longer. At 21 I had my first male/male sexual experience. It marked the end of a time I refer to as "my year of not getting any", when Della refused to have sex for a period of something like 10-11 months. Her excuse was that she was 'sick', but it was really a control game, and one that backfired miserably.
My first boyfriend was a friend and co-worker several years older than I, and we were "fuck-buddies" for about 2 years. Prior to him, I had never thought of myself as "gay", much less part of a community of gay people. But Steve showed me a lot about myself, and I value the friendship we shared. Unfortunately, we have since lost touch. Steve, if you read this, email me!
After Steve and I ended the sexual aspect of our relationship, I was monogamous with Della for about 3 years before the feelings I had became unbearable again. I sought out gay and bi men through contacts I had met through friends. (being queer in SW Florida in the mid 1980's was hardly a risk-free proposition, with police harrassment and the whole deal..) Eventually that led to my discovery of the bar scene, and a series of relationships and one-night stands with guys over the years. My sex life with my wife was fairly good. After I started to experience sex with men, our sex became a less frequent. This wasn't because sex with men was so much better (although in most ways, it was), but more out of a sense that I felt responsible for not accidentally exposing her to anything I may have inadvertantly picked up. Likewise, I was always fairly picky about who I would or wouldn't go with. I know that she thought I was having a lot more sex than I actually was. I really didn't sleep around all that much while I was married.
Since my divorce in 1994, my primary sexual interest has been with men. I do look at women and admire them, but after my marriage, I feel no desire to get tied down to that grind again. I suppose I can never rule anything out, though!
I returned to college in 1997, and until my graduation in 2001, I was primarily celibate. I had an average of 2-3 encounters per school year, but as a non-traditional student on a college campus, my age difference (and my unfortunately middle-aged physique) meant that I was not considered particularly desirable. Having now left that environment, I find myself in a wider and more diverse community. I have the odd date, and sex is readily available if I want to play the games, but it's not something I pursue with any real enthusiasm. Overall, I'm quite happy with where I am, and if Mr. or Ms. Right comes along, I'll seize the opportunity, but sex and romance isn't a primary focus in my life at present.
People may think it's odd that I place all of this information on the web for all to see. I am an not exhibitionist, as such. I place this here for others to read about as an example for others. I am not proud of all of my past behavior. Nor am I ashamed of it. It's all part of the great melange of influences that make up me and my personality. Would I do some things over again? Yes, of course, but by and large, I look back with no regrets.
My advice for others would not necessarily be for them to follow my example. But I also will say to others that monogamy is not necessary the state one should seek. Not a popular view, but one I feel strongly. I don't condemn monogamy either. I feel it's up to each couple to decide, and honesty is far more important than monogamy.
Click here to return to Main page