By The Toasty-Fried Co-op
(This story originally took the form of a letter written to Toasty friend and colleage, Peter "Obviously a fictitious name" Kreutlein
Don't ever try reading this! If we wanted you to read this, you would have been contacted by a Scientologist. Not that we're intent upon keeping you in ignorance, but Scientologists have found you to be prospective and internable in a negative sense.
We will now send you a complimentary Scientologist for your amusement, since you've already read this.
Scientology means never saying anything about these documents: How To Make Friends With Your Dentist, Paranoia Is Your Best Friend, Showing Your Neighbors' Pets Off As Easter Fashions, Keep This In Your Pants, and Bedtime Reflections Of the Folks Under Your Bed.
If you have copies of any of these documents, don't tell us. We'd rather that you'd read them aloud to small plants to help maintain their secrecy. Many small plants whisper words of indecipherable religions.
Now, don't expect every plant to whisper to you. Just relax and think about tobacco, then place your hands upon your head. This will enable you to select from all varieties of subject-matter: You'll be contacted by a Scientologist then.
What do you think you are going to accomplish by reading these words? I don't know who you think you are, schmuck! Stop me if this offends people like: tragic, homophobic lesbians; gargantuan Bible-eating lizards; and volatile guys with huge hairdos that remind everyone to attend Scientology meetings after reading books like those listed in this umbiquetous, forbidden bibliography which exists but is not yet accepted.
Stop me from doing what my mother told me not to do: This makes up a commandment for Scientologists which must be obeyed!
Go away, now.
Haven't you stopped me yet? If you don't know how, then I won't tell you. You must be much stupider than you look. After you've been contacted by your friendly neighborhood Scientologist, then you'll probably wish you were smarter, buddy, because you'll never be able to hide your knowledge of this secretive document.
Now, stop reading.
You don't listen very well, do you?
If we wanted you to read this, we wouldn't tell you anyway. You're persistent enough to make an impression on even the most secretive of house plants. That is not bad, for a person of such vast ignorance, so why did you read this, instead of whispering back?
Are you confused?
Of course you are! You have no recourse but to commit yourself to halting every kind of Scientologist diatribe. So there! Now, you're going blind to no other end but sightlessness. Stop doing that. It benefits no one.
We're sick of you reading what you shouldn't. Stop it!
You're getting closer to wisdom than the average novice. Could this indicate that we've been remiss? No! Perhaps you have continued to read because you have thought too little about the consequences of reading what is likely to incite great qualms. Laugh if you wish, but we'll show you by doing this: First, we'll make a replica of your spouse, Harry (though it might not look like her), then, she'll pounce! Doesn't that frighten you? If not, then we'll threaten your housepets with bonnets and colorful bows that eplode. BLAM! If you still don't comply..... are you sure you want to know what we'll do next?
Okay.
We'll glue a hairdresser to your toilet and feed him lots and lots of overcooked prunes and pinto beans. Boy, isn't that scary! You're next!!!
You will do exactly as we say, then you won't have any reason to fear. We will become your friends. All kidding aside, we want you to stop this awful reading habit of yours.
Now, get a piece of paper and a pen. Place the paper on any end of the table where your house plants sit, and begin moving the pen across the paper until, through entropy, words appear to form before the paper erupts. This is called having fun. Next, you should enjoy inserting clauses like "don't forget to vote" in places where they can never be understood. Don't move, there's more spaghetti in the pantry.
Now, place this document into an envelope of your own design, and remove all visible marks. This shoulod result in utter chaos. That's what friends are for.
Haven't you given up yet? No? Alright, then, we're prepared to deal with you. First, we'll arm you with an abacus. That should be ineffectual enough to bring disaster to even the likes of you, bozo! Stop us if you wish, but we don't give up easily.
Take tis text and give it to your mother. She'll tell your house plants things they never should have done. That'll show you. Then, you'll hear things. Don't mess this up, because we're serious about it.
We think you should listen before you're too disobedient to your Scientologist mother. She'll tell L. Ron Hubbard that you read this. Then, what will you do?
Place lots of money into an oblong box and shove it out to pasture. It contains your best wishes. Sorry, no refunds.
Are you still reading? Then go, because we're quitting.
If you don't stop soon, you will read the thing we wanted you to read anyway.
Sincerely,
The Scientology Conspirators, Inc.
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