9 - I got stood up last night by Rob. I am going to tell him not to call me anymore. He is just emotionally bankrupt and I don't have the patients for it. I saw Mitch today (in regular clothes). I gave him a nearly full body massage for almost 2 hours. God that felt good. He has the body of a God. We were both very good though and nothing else happened. I got another hug though; it was amazing! I visited with my friend Tracy tonight. I told her I am down 139 #s. She said she weighs 140#; so I have lost a Tracy! Wow.. that is just crazy! I feel really good about my body, but am really looking forward to this surgery.
12 - I felt very lonely this last weekend. I went out Friday and Saturday night by myself. Josh called Saturday night, but just to vent. Lynn and Brandi went out of town this weekend so I had the house to myself but it felt lonely for some reason. Sunday I went to this place called Common Ground. It is a nudist place. It was soooo awesome and it felt so good to be there. I saw Mitch this morning for just 5 minutes. I need to taper my feelings back for him. Its so weird that the same way Josh feels about me is exactly how I feel about Mitch. It feels so weird when Josh says how he feels to me. Its weird hearing my feelings for Mitch outloud from someone else, about me. Josh is really growing on me though. I only wish he didn't have so much baggage. I hadn't heard from Rob so I went to his house and gave him his pictures with a note that ended with "please don't call me anymore". Its sad that the only single man in my life is more physically and emotionally unavailable then the married ones. Even though Rob and I weren't really "dating", he was the closest thing I have had to a relationship since my ex-husband. He is too much like my ex-husband in how he shows (or doesn't show) his emotions. I really don't like Rob THAT much, yet I almost wanted to cry when I got home. I felt hurt.
15 - I really wanted to cancel my shrink appt last night. If I had his number, I would have. I felt sorta freaked out, which is why I probably needed to go. I was ok about going once I got there, but on the way home, I really started getting pissed off. HE LAUGHED AT ME. There was something I said about Mitch that he laughed out loud about. I thought that was pretty out of line. Then he scoffed at my definition of recreational drug use. I am glad it was my last visit with him. Though he did help me see that I need to be more clear on what characteristics I will and won't put up with regarding men and he did help me get focused on my true goals again. I am starting to freak about the homefront. Its ok now, but I think shortly after my surgery it will change. I am sure it will be fine. I think I am just freaking to take my mind off the surgery coming up even though I am excited about it. I also got a call from my ob/gyn that I have an abnormal pap. I have to go get a biopsy done to see what the matter is. :-(
19 - I felt very lonely last weekend. I went out Th-Sat night to go see live local music. I enjoy going out alone; its the coming home alone that sucks. I waited for Mitch this morning because I really needed a hug. I saw him, but didn't get one. I am sure I could have had I asked. I talked to him for about 10 minutes and headed off to work. I have found the trick is to not look directly into his eyes; that helps.
26 - Thursday night Josh called and said the sweetest things, including that he is falling in love with me. Of course I WANT to hear that, but at the same time, I don't (see private entry). I also went on a date with a guy named Jesse; he was very cool and we really had a lot in common, but he hasn't called since:-( I drove up to see Jason Saturday morning at 2:00am, visited for 3 hours, then drove home; long drive! Sunday I went to Common Ground again; I love that place. Thomas called to invite me to the KOMP bingo event. Greg & Paula sat by us. I left after only 2 games because it was so smoky. I don't think I will see Thomas again other than to get my CDs; but I think he knows that so he will drag it out (see private entry). I felt pretty lonely last night; so much so that I called Rob; no answer, but I left a message. I saw Mitch this morning and got a great hug; he is losing my interest fast (see private entry). I told him I am off early on Thursday. If he doesn't call, I don't think I will wait for him on Mondays anymore. There is just no point; it is not going anywhere and quite honestly, I am thinking alot more about Josh. I am getting depressed about the men in my life. Its like I am on a teeter totter from hell. I am beginning to wonder if it is worth it at all. Lynn broke up with his girlfriend this weekend so at least I don't need to worry about her moving in. I weigh 170 so I am down 141#s now. I would really like to get down to 160 before my surgery, but I don't think that will happen.
