April Cont'd
27 -  I had 2 anxiety attacks yesterday and had a major break down.  I picked up not one crutch, but two and broke down to Josh.  I am a bit embarrased now but felt it had to be released somehow.  I need to unclutter my thoughts,  focus on my goals, and create a map on how to achieve them.  I need to stop letting other people control my emotions, good or bad.  I need to CONTROL my emotions and remember to focus on what "I" want.

28 - Today is Josh's 24th birthday.  I am trying to supress my thoughts; its bearly working.
May
3 - Last week was horrible.  I had anxiety attacks everyday and sometimes 2 or 3 a day.  I saw Josh Friday.  He said I looked great and he was going to see if his mom could watch his boy for a couple hours so he could spend some time with me; he would call me in about an hour.  He didn't call then, or all weekend.  I saw Mitch this morning.  I got everything I wanted including some issues talked about (see private entry).  

5 - I saw Josh last night.  He says the most amazingly sweet things, however I got to witness a very ugly display of his temper.  It was not a pretty sight.  I really have a lot of feelings for him, I just don't know what to do with them.  He said he wished he would have met me when I was heavier.  Its so awesome he loves me for me.

7 - I had my pre-op today.  Everything looks good. Doc sorta freaked me out and said that he was going to have to cut a vertical on my belly but then noticed I had lost more weight since he last saw me and nixed that idea (yeah).  He tried to talk me out of my not-having-a-belly-button idea, but I stood firm.  Lynn went with me for support which was nice.  Carolyn's plane had major issues and she was about 3 hours late.  We got some in-and-out burger and stopped by walmart to pick up a few things for Jason's visit tomorrow.  I saw some capris and shorts and tried them on.  MM#14 THEY WERE SIZE 10.  I haven't wore a size 10 since 8th grade.  OMG how cool.

11 - My surgery is the day after tomorrow.  I have been pretty busy at work and playing tour guide for Carolyn so it has kept my mind off of it for the most part, which I am very thankful for.  I know everything will be fine once I get past that initial pain.  I planned to take Josh to Mystre for his birthday last night but he had to cancel so I took Jesse instead.  We had a great time and he and Carolyn enjoyed the show.  I chatted with Mitch for only a few minutes on Monday.  We both seem to be growing more distant; its weird how fast that spark faded. 

13 - MM#15 - My first reward surgery.  Today is the day!  I am nervous, scared and excited for this to be done.  Josh met Carolyn and I at the Ice House last night for dinner.  It was nice to see him again.:-)

18 - I cannot believe how awesome my stomach looks.  I wasn't really that excited about my tummy or thought in a million years it would look as good as it does.  My arms look good too, but sorta freaky with the cuts.  I am not in that much pain; more discomfort.   This surgery was a breeze compaired to the bypass though.  I didn't get my boobs done.  Doc says because he used stitches rather then staples he took longer but I will heal twice as fast and have hardly any scars.  He did an amazing job; I am very pleased.  Both Dr. Resto and the Anastegiologist started calling me "T" and telling me I look "groovy".. They are very cool.   I haven't heard from Josh since the night before the surgery; I am a bit concerned something is wrong.  Jesse has called me twice and came over to watch a movie with me; he has been very sweet.  I saw Mitch yesterday morning.  He wasn't going to stop in; he just honked, but I got him to come in.  He freaked!  He is the only one to freek so far; I am sorta curious as to why.  He seemed very scared and concerned for me though.  He was the first person to feel my flat no-belly-button-belly. he he  Since I didn't get my boobs done, the cost of the surgery ended up being $8,050.

20 - It is one week after my surgery and I feel awesome.  I am down 150#s - I weigh 161 now.  I saw Josh last night.  We had a really great talk.  Jesse is coming over tonight to watch a movie; I am looking forward to that.

21 - Jesse stood me up and Josh said he would call (which I really thought he would just to interupt my date) but he didn't.  I am feeling pretty unloved at the moment.  I am having dinner with Greg tonight though so thats cool.

23 - MM#16.  I made my goal weight of 160.  I wanted to go out and celebrate but I had no one to join me so I went to the naked place and got completely drunk which felt good.  Boys are stupid!