October Con't
	12 - I surprised Scott last Thursday night; he was very happy.  His smoking and ailments really got to me so by the time I got home Friday morning, I was balling my head off drafting a "Dear John" letter to give to him when we return from Michigan. Sometimes (most of the time) I feel like I just don't love him like I should.  Friday evening we IM'd and he let it out that he was coming to town to surprise me Saturday night.  I had plans to see Eddie Money with Mikey; Scott insisted I did not cancel my plans because he was coming which led to a bit of a heated discussion ending with him leaving me a tear jerking voice mail saying he didn't want to "ruin" what we have. I went to see Jason on Saturday and took Courtnee and Jacob.  I talked to Styles for a bit; he is funny, cute and nice. I got back to town, cancelled my date with Mikey, and met Scott for dinner at Timbers. Sunday morning we did some yard work together, went to the Renesience Festival, and then CG. By the end of the day, I was madly in love with him again and was heartbroken that he had to leave. That lasted until I saw Mitch Monday morning. We talked about 20 min and I got a hug from him. We had a great talk but I explained why I probably won't see him anymore (because of being out of town and moving soon). He tried to convince me to stay at Lynn's and he teased me about bringing Scott to Michigan; I know he is jealous. He says he is going to surprise me one of these days.  I know he is very attracted to me but can't do anything about it. I am so insanely in love with him. I met Mikey for dinner Monday night. We had great conversation and he hinted very hard at a possible future together.  He and I have much more in common then Scott and I and I am very attracted to Mikey not only for physical reasons, but he really has his stuff together, but he DOES have 3 boys FULL TIME.  I hope by the end of this weekend with Scott in Michigan I will know what I want. I know Scott loves me somuch; it kills me to think of hurting him. 13 - Yesterday I was so sad/depressed and felt unworthy of being happy. I am so afraid of being hurt and/or hurting Scott. I balled to him on the way home, changed clothes and started calling my "friends" to go have a drink with me. I called 6 people. None called me back. Well, someone called last night at 10:30 but I didn't recognize the number and they didn't leave a message and Teresa called me this morning. Mikey actually did call me back just about when I was headed home. I asked him if I could stop by to which he happily said yes. I told him I had a bad day and as soon as I got there, he held me for so long then sat me on the couch and curled up to me. I left at 12:30 with a little respect/honor in tact. I am a ho and I am not sure how much I care. Someone made the comment to me that I am no better then Josh; that hurt. My car reeked like a bar this morning which sure made me think of him. I think I am trying to fill my life with men so I don't think about Josh or Mitch. I need to go workout instead. 19 - The Michigan trip was good.  I saw and heard about more sports then I ever care to again in my life but I am sure as Scott is in my life, I am not close to being done. We got along pretty well when we weren't fighting over the radio station between his classic rock, his sports, and my music. He didn't smoke that much because of the price of cigs but smoked cigars instead which were gross. I enjoyed the wedding and seeing Mary again. John, her boyfriend is awesome and we all got along great! I got a call from Lexi tonight asking if I was with Josh. She had a feeling he was with someone. She left him almost a week ago and she is now in Montana. We talked for 2 hours. 25 - Thursday night I went to the drive in with Mike and his boys. Mike tells me I am pretty and beautiful a lot. I stayed over but nothing happened. We didn't even kiss on the lips. It is so nice not having that expectation. He is really sweet. Friday night I went down and had a drink with Lynn for his birthday. Saturday I went to see Jason. I brought Brandi, Courtnee and Jacob. I saw Mr. Scott; he is so cute. He ran out to get the package for Jason and gave me a peck on the lips. I joked that he broke out of prison to give me a kiss; how sweet is that? I stopped by Iron Mitch's house to see his extra room to see if I want to live there. When we got home, Lynn snapped at me - I am so tired of that. I did some laundry and went to bed. Sunday I met with Jimmy to talk about getting me a loan. He said I should qualify for 140k but Dwayne is really killing my credit score. He said he will train me to do loans. I went to CG and got an awesome massage. He broke up the hardness of my right boob; its awesome. We sat around the fire and talked for a while and I got home about 8. I saw Mitch at an intersection on the way to work, but he didn't see me. I miss him. Scott has cooled off a lot. He will come up the first weekend in Nov. Sandra took me to the Radio Music Awards where I saw Hulk Hogan, Sly Stalone, Tim McGraw, Janet Jackson, Nickleback..