8 - Today is the worst. I feel so sad and lonely. Not really lonely because I don't have a man, just depressed. I don't know what the hell I am doing here. Where is "here".. I don't know.. everywhere - all aspects of my life.. what the hell is my purpose? I am glad the weight is gone, but that is only a small part of my life.. most of the benefits are not there due to other reasons. Yesterday was bad because of animals where I live (a long story). I am looking for a new place to live but with my finances due to my surgery, it is very tough and limited. I am going to a concert tomorrow night. I am looking forward to it. I do not have an "addictive" personality, but I am considering other "crutches" to turn to because I am so depressed. I think I am going to give this new med another week or so and then if I am still depressed, I am going to just give up on meds and turn to drinking.. ahha.. just kidding about the drinking part! I feel like that Hewey Lewis song "I need a new drug". :-)
NOTE TO SELF: (looking back) I think the Seether concert was here. Check the ticket for the date. If so, I had an interesting time that night. Please enter something about that night.
27 - Well, it is sorta still 26th. It is about 12:45am. I should have wrote earlier this week, but I have been extremely busy moving. Let see, I guess I should start with that. I moved out of Kaffie's house and into another house. Ok, well I guess that is all I want to talk about that for now.. I think it will be a good thing. I have a really good feeling about it. As of last Monday, an entire week went by that I did not feel depressed. No, it wasn't the "holidays". I can't stand the holidays! I think it was the fact that I was busy moving and getting settled and cleaning and running around. I had also been spending a lot of time with the kids which keeps my mind busy too. It felt good to be productive again and to feel good about something "moving into this new place". We are also getting ready to move at work too so it is sort of crazy there but in a non-routine sort of way. So back to making it a week without being depressed.. I guess I really made it more then a week because I didn't really get depressed; I got mad/hurt. I enjoy giving so much until it hurts.. literally. I give and think of others so much and then sometimes I think people are being ungreatful and then it really kicks me in the ass. I don't like it because then I am faced with the choice, either a) keep helping them and just deal with how they are or b) stop helping. Neither is a seemingly possitive thing at the moment (or ever) so it just sucks. So then I went to visit my uncle in San Diego (which I am still here as I write this). We have had a wonderful time. Christmas day we didn't do much but relax. Today we went to Mexico and I did some shopping and we had a bite to eat. On the way home we stopped at Pacific Beach to see Don's friends that I had met the last time I was here. There was an incident. This ignorant woman made a comment to me that I should lose a little weight. She was an insanely rude person before she made the comment so I certainly wouldn't have given anything she said much thought. The part that I find most odd though, is that when I was 311 pounds, I NEVER, NOT ONCE, heard anyone make a comment about my weight. Now that I am approaching a normal weight, I find that people who don't know me and don't have a clue what I have been through are more critical and judgemental then anything. I really don't understand it. It is very weird. I guess in some sick way that when I was 311 pounds, I was so far out there on another level or something, different from the "normal" vs now I can actually be "compaired" to normal people and therefore judged in the same scale. Scale, not meaning weighing scale, of course. Its like there are "groups" of people and you don't compair apples and oranges. Like you would never compair a retarted person's brain to a normal person's brain but if a retarted person somehow got unretarded and is now just "slow" they are fair game to judge as being "stupid" (if you didn't know better of course).. then there are those (like the bitch tonight) that are so completely ignorant and arrogant that they really can't be "compaired" to "normal" people who have a heart and half a brain. So as I write this, I guess I have therefore solved my own curiosities. But it still hurts. :-(
