You Phoned
02/22/01
I've been betrayed.
By my own tongue.
You phoned
and I needed so much
to tell you how I am
But I heard myself
saying it
"I'm fine"
"How are you?"
Just for a moment
your tongue was a little clumsy
and it gave me the doorway
to hide
'cos I didn't want anyone to know
that i wasn't fine
I didn't want to give you all
the satisfaction...
I must be sick
'cause even in my pain
I still wanted to show you
that I was better
than the stupid clumsy child I was
when we grew up
But I wanted...
...even though you are one of them...
I wanted to tell you.
-Smile,2001 -
alien words
02/22/01
Sometimes I write
and feelings are released
from the gutters of my soul
and for a moment
it feels like a photographed moment
but after a while
the words just seem silly
and foreign
as if it was some alien experiment
and I, the vessel of its truth
and it leaves me empty,
so empty,
and clueless
as to what next (?)
where now (?)
Until the next poem
when more feelings are ejected
like vomit
and I am left wondering
about this alien thing
that's living inside me,
trying to fight its way out.
- Smile, -
You have no right
02/26/01
You have no right
to treat me
as anything other
than a human being
You have no right
to take away my self-belief
to ridicule me
or to treat me without respect
You have no right
to touch me
or take me
without my permission
You have no right
to treat me like a child
and take away
my right to speak
You have no right
to hurt me
Jack's Ladder
02/26/01
Jack and his beanstalk ladder are
borrowed for this poem...
Nerves are standing on attention
as anxiety levels are climbing Jacks ladder
and I am scared
can't breath
can't smile
The guilty is forming a defense line
... THEY are coming
and they are closing...
nowhere to run
all the exits closed.
I have to play with you.
But I will not play the game
your way
anymore
and I will not make excuses for you
anymore
no more secret coverups
no more lies
Because I am stronger now
...but I am scared...
Anxiety's climbing Jacks ladder.
- Smile, 2001 -
Denial
02/26/01
Blood Pumping
through veins
causing headsplitting aches
as dead end streets
are destroyed
Denial is not an option anymore.
It did hurt.
It was that bad.
You had no right.
Zooming in on
who
what
how
sees veils of protection lifted
vague memories defined
and braincells thirsting for more
But this body
tires easily
Be gentle
'cause I ache.
Lost Innocence
02/25/01
You came in the night
a wolf in sheeps clothes
and you stole my innocence.
You cowardly thief!
You stole it
and you can NEVER give it back.
I had to grow up
in a snap of your dirty fingers
I had to keep our dirty little secret
and bury the child in me
without a tear.
I had to carry your fear
your shame
your guilt
and even your safekeepping.
I had to be stronger than you
but i was just a child!
How could you?
How can you sleep at night?
Do you even remember?
Innocent Child
02/27/01
I cry for the loss of you
innocent child
and because I was just a baby
I buried you alive
because I had to survive
I cry for you
innocent child
because you never had a choice.
You didn't even see it coming.
I cry for you
innocent child
because you had to eat your shame
silently
with no one to put a band aid
on your pain
and because instead of carefree joy
and sweet dreams
you got fear and guilt
underneath your tree
and nightmares
underneath your bed.
I cry for you
innocent child
because you always felt different
because you never fitted in
and because you chose to wear
a plastic mask of happiness.
I cry for you
because
you can never
be innocent again.
- Smile, 2001 -
Extreme Measures
03/01/01
Locked up in a room
of self-blame
with the key
in my own pocket
I crucify myself daily
for being human
And when that is not enough
I unintentionally
throw myself
against padded walls
of self hate
to be eaten alive
by insideout anger
causing extreme exhaustion
of esteem supplies
Understand this:
even though you'll never be
good enough
for some
you are the best you can be
for you
brother love
03/01/01
fluffy bunny
plastic rose
what do you understand
about brotherlove
twisted loyalty
transferred pain
glue them together
never complain
broken silence
escape
Daylight Robber
03/05/01
And then there was you
supposed to be my rooted tree
my safety net
my brave hero
But when the first wave hit
you ran for cover
and left me outside
alone
to fight this fight for you
up high on your self-pity throne
you collected sympathy like trophies
while pushing me down further into the mud
Did you hate me?
because you made me do the unspeakable
and then you framed me
You the blue-eyed boy of our family
You the daylight robber of my beating heart
- Smile, 2001 -
How Dare You
03/05/01
How dare you
ask me how I am
without the memory
of causing me pain
How dare you
sit at my table
without a morsel of regret
How dare you
sleep in my house
without a moment of guilt
How dare you
call yourself brother
- Smile, 2001 -
Agitation
03/05/01
Beating heart
pounding head
extreme pain
unimaginable fear
too much confusion
too little tears
can't breathe
breathe
take a breath
breathe
To You
03/07/01
To you my dear family
I am just
a marionette of your needs
a suitcase for your pain
a punchbag to vent your frustrations on
a happy face to glue you together
a china doll to be seen but not heard
a light bulb to dim -
so that you may not seem so dark
Unfortunately (for you)
I will not do this anymore
I will not be used
I will not be punched around
I will not carry your fear
I will not wear a mask for you
I will not be quiet
I will not be dimmed
You have no right
to treat me as anything other
then a human being!
Unpacking
03/07/01
Today
I am
unpacking this suitcase
of your pain
Please take back
your fear
your anger
your frustration
your inadequateness
your powerlessness
your sadness
your guilt
your shame
and your responsibilities
I have no room to carry it anymore
I am deleting it
and I am emptying
the recycle bin.
China Doll
03/07/01
Sweet little china doll
sitting quietly on your rocking chair
happy face painted on
permanent peace of mind...
(now imagine this)
violently thrown against a wall
so that she breaks
into a thousand porcelain pieces
no more bloodless smiles
...emerging
a human butterfly
who may feel, and speak, and cry...
I will stay
to sweep up the pieces
of this porcelain cocoon
but I will not glue it together
again.
Untitled
03/09/01
I'm ready
to move on
Why can't this be over
NOW!
But still
there's a living thing
inside of me
and it's gnawing
on the inside of my throat
clawing its way out
a tunnel to the light
Identify yourself!
please
Stop hiding in my dreams
I need to know who you are
please
identify yourself
Let Me
03/12/01
I am a raw wound
a festering abscess
Everything aches
even my face
my throat
my womb
Do not touch me
for I fear I'll explode
into tiny pieces
of bloody flesh
and horror movie screams
Please let me die
or
let me live
without this pain
I Am
03/12/01
I need
I want
I care
I weep
I ache
I am
I said...I am
- Neil Diamond -
I am me
I am good
I am strong
I have a heart
I have a soul
I bleed
I cry
and I heal
Do you need anymore evidence
that I am human
that I have needs
or that I deserve
to be happy?
- Smile, 2001 -
Can't Have Your Cake &
Eat It
03/13/01
I will bake this cake
and ice it my way.
What you do with it
is your choice.
You may eat it all,
share it,
throw it back in my face,
or, if you choose,
throw it all away.
But don't be sorry afterwards
'cause I won't give you this chance again.
You might want to pass the responsiblity to me
like you used to,
and I might want to spare you disappointment
by doing it all myself.
But I won't.
The choice
and the consequences
are yours.
Just Float
03/13/01
From years of
always hiding
and constantly defending myself
the controls
of my emergency centre
have been weared out
sending danger vibes
of undue proportions
to my alert zone...
Red lights blinking
all over the place!!!
Don't fight it
just float...
Mr. Critic
03/14/01
There's a critic in my head
who lives happily
in a house of self-belief
and everyday
he strolls through my thoughts
with a big grin on his face
for his is an important job
(this is the illusion he guarantees)
no strings attached
(a lie)
because he replays failure
screams abuse
whispers shame
and predicts the worst
to neatly keep you
motivated
punished
and avoiding surprise
But
(and this is where the catch is)
secretly laughing in his sleeve
he actually
murders and buries
your self-esteem
and everytime you let him
he throws another stone
covering the casket
till everyday
is Doomsday.
Beware
Mr. Critic...
You can wipe that smile off your face.
Your funeral's already planned.
- Smile, 2001 -
Funhouse Mirror
03/16/01
When I look
into the funhouse mirror
that is cemented
in my mind
by life's crooked luck,
I see a distorted reflection
of the person that is me.
It magnifies
and minimize
untill I am
a clown
a shadow
a monster
a blob.
I can be big and small
in the blink of an eye
and invisible the next;
beautifull today
or bad tomorrow.
But wait!
Don't go away.
Relax,
sit back
and watch the fight
between distortion and truth.
- Smile, 2001 -
Lighthouse
03/19/01
Why do you do this?
(I thought you loved me)
I need you to be my oasis
my lighthouse
my Zoro
But you are worse
than the critic in my head
I try to build our house
together
by strengthening my foundation
but with every Lego block I offer
you smash two to pieces.
Oops...
I'm sorry,
am I not good enough for you?
Is everything my fault?
Oh, I get it
I didn't follow the rules.
You love me
I know you do.
I feel it.
I see it
in every little thing you do.
But please
please be my lighthouse too.
You Say
03/10/01
You say
that I defy you
by never listening to you
and always doing the opposite...
But you are not my teacher
or my parent.
I simply can't remember all your rules.
You say
that I am lazy
and disorganised...
But your vision is distorted
by own needs.
I am simply tired
and depressed
and trying to survive.
You say
that you need me to be
your perfect wife...
But I am not perfect,
will never be.
I am only a human
who loves you
in my own silly way.
Cube
03/26/01
If i was a cube
I'd probably be made of glass
not smooth
like a shiny new marble
nor delicate
like a crystall bell
No
I'd be tarnished
and cracked
by life's steel fist
maybe even chipped
here and there
But I am tough
and if you look closely
you might even see
the beauty of prismed light
reflected
shining through
Untitled
03/26/01
It's when you do that little
things
like surprising me with a kiss
or washing the dishes
(who you?)
that I know
some wishes do come true
that love is not just a fairytale
and that happy endings
are due
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