The Davis OHP
"Now brought to you in delicious teal, mmm"
Volume 2 Issue 1 people who care 0
Aug 25, 2003
What's Inside?
What the hell are you still doing here? New URL:
Just KIDDING! thats been dead for ages!
Page 2: Fun With Captions!
- Pictures and words coming together in the name of "funniness."
Whatever happened to that first, funny issue of the DOHP? Is there any way to return to that comedic haven?
Page 3: Opinion
- Because what you think matters, but what I think matters more.
Indeed there is! If you want to re-live all the glory that was the Davis OHP: Issue 1, then just go here: "here" This is an essential destination if you have never been to the Davis OHP or "DOHP" before and want to know all about what it is, why you're here, what the point of existence is, etc.
Page 4: Sports
- Winning isn't everything, especially when you aren't allowed to do it for 4 years.
"Fraternities not about paying for friends, more about beer," says frat member
Page 5: In Depth News
- Extensive coverage of all the latest fake stories you've been dying to know about.
Contrary to the widely-held theory that fraternities serve as nothing more than elitist "friends for hire" clubs, according to Sal McHendry, a three year Theta Eta Zeta fraternity member, frats are much more about drinking mass quantities of alcohol, with beer
Record three Engineering students pass an Engineering class

The Davis OHP welcomes the class of 2007 with a comprehensive list of 10 tips, hints, and general things you should know about UC Davis:

10. Setting up a girl's Internet connection on your dorm floor will win you some brownie points, but if it's
sex points you're after you better try something else, nerd.

9. Tuition may me high, but probably not as high as that guy Steve from Santa Cruz down the hall.

8. Bunk beds are efficient way to save space in a dorm room, and are especially useful if you and your roommate are going for that "gay" look.

7. At Davis, the student population is so diverse you will probably make friends with people you  might never have talked to before. Huh, kinda makes you feel ashamed, doesn't it you racist bastard?!

6. If every time you hear someone say "DC" you can't help but think of "direct current" you might not make any friends.

5. You're in college now! You are officially on your own in the world!... provided "on your own" means parents paying for everything,  meals being prepared for you, and you dropping some coins in a fucking laundry machine now and then.
4. When pledging for a frat or sorority, drink a gallon of berry Gatorade before going to your first party so you can impress your future brothers or sisters with your hip, blue vomit.

3. If studying gets you down, there are probably better ways to deal with it then singing aloud to Journey's "Any Way You Want It" at the top of your lungs.

2. Rigging a web cam in your RA's room to capture him having sex with his ugly girlfriend probably isn't the
best way to blackmail him, but it is fairly effective.

1. If by your third year you've been to the library once, and that was only because you got it confused with 'Aggie Liquor' one time, you're doing a-ok kid!
  The UC Davis Engineering department has announced that three students passed a single upper-division ENG class last quarter. The students: Gustavo Lozano, Thomas Cotterell, and Joseph Caravalho all maintained above a C- average in ENG 189A with Lozano coming in the highest, earning a 77 percent in the class. The mark represents a 66 percent increase on the average passing rate for Engineering classes.
  "I really don't know what to say, I'm just so honored" said Cotterell at a press conference last Tuesday. "I honestly never imagined I could soar this high"
  "Anyone can do it, it's just that most people aren't willing to put in the effort" Caravalho said. "If studying twelve hours a day, cutting out a meal so you can fit in second opportunity to review your work, and hiring a translator so you can understand your professor is too much for most students, maybe they ought to reconsider their major."
  "It's certainly quite an achievement, but if this trend continues it could represent a problem within the department" Engineering Professor Danny Coonan said. "If someone actually passed enough classes to earn their degree, I don't know what we would do! Not only do we not have the personnel to oversee that sort of thing, we don't even have the neccessary paperwork at our disposal to graduate people!
McHendry and Bruder: for beer or for hugs?
being the specific beverage of choice.
   "I'm just so sick of all these ignorant people telling me that everyone in a fraternity is just "paying for friends." That's so far from the truth its not even funny. In fact, if you went up to 10 pledges and asked them why they want to join a frat, 8 out of 10 of them would probably say for the beer. Even the other 2 would probably cite nailing a drunken sorority chick as their reason. But would anyone say they were joining merely to
pay for friends? Highly unlikely." 
   Sal's TEZ brother Scott Bruder also voiced his opinion about the stigma that in his opinion has been unfairly placed upon the Greek system.
   "Bro, its like this, these people just be jealous, jealous of all the fucking poon-tang we have every night cause we know how to fucking party!" Bruder said. "Paying for friends??? Fuck that! I didnt pay for fucking any of those 150 girls that showed up at our barbeque last Saturday, and I ended up banging three of em! I mean, I know I wasn't so popular in high school and all, and I've always had trouble relating to people on a conversational level. And then there was that time a broke my arm in 8th grade, and I was in my room alone all summer without anybody coming over to even check up on me. But, that....that doesn't mean...that doesnt mean I'm merely make... making up for my past social ineptitude now..."
   Bruder then had to remove himself from the interview, mumbling something about a 6-pack of Corona in the fridge while trying to hold back his tears. Other people, like freshman Tommy Cotterell, also weighed in with thier opinion on fraternities.
   "I don't know, I haven't made up my mind one way or the other. On the one hand it seems pretty ridiculous to pay hundreds of dollars just so I can hang out exclusively with a bunch of guys who aren't that different from everybody else. But then again I do like promiscious girls under the influence of a substance that uninhibits their behavior, and I do like beer, so it also seems ridiculous
not to join a frat! Decisions, decisions!" Cotterell said.
   According to McHendry, people also join fraternities to assist in volunteer work that helps make the Davis community a better place. He then burst out laughing, stated "I'm just kidding dawg" and tried to stop chuckling long enough to down the rest of his Natty Ice.
Do you bleed sarcasm? Do you like pointing out the shortcomings of others? Do you like working and not getting paid? If so, then apply to become a Davis OHP Writer! Send a sample article to:

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