Gfunk Replies:
Oh, boy. This is a toughie, Rodney. Unfortunately, if the information you provided me is correct, I'd have to say that you might as well give up at this point. For starters, you're fourteen, so I'm not sure I can do much with such a late bloomer. Sadly, judging from your condition, your life is essentially over. My advice would be to abandon the very notion of talking to females altogether - this is something that judging from your hopeless situation will never actually happen. I'd take up a hobby now, at your young age, which can help you cope with your sad and lonely life... something tells me you probably like computers, and that's a good thing. Learn to code or something; that should consume the time that would otherwise be spent (by a person without your awful social complex) talking to girls. Attend scifi conventions, totally regress from music altogether, and plan your daily events around what time cable stations show reruns of Startrek: The Next Generation and Babylon 5. Also, it wouldn't hurt for you to start picking out your favorite porn stars, because your lack of affection and personal attention will probably force you to become a porn addict. Sorry, it's just a side effect of the prescription, buddy.
If you truly insist on trying this girl nonsense in your present state, I recommend a couple of things. First, alcohol. If you can convince a young lady to partake in it with you, this may improve her chances of having sympathy for your pathetic nature and giving you a kiss out of pity or something. Unfortunately, you're too far gone to actually have this score you anything more. Second, smoking lots of marijuana and listening to gangster rap could help you score with girls a couple grades beneath you as you get older. Most of them will still just laugh at you, but who knows... by the time you're a senior, you might get lucky with a pimply faced freshman who isn't allowed out of the house past 9:00pm... but I still doubt she'd be able to take you seriously long enough for any hanky-panky. Honestly, Rodney. Just stick to the above gameplan. You seem halfway there already, so it's just the easiest thing to do.
Until we meet again, Rodney, good luck with your pathetic little life. May you find bliss in economics, computer science, and perusing chat rooms in search of the perfect conversation about Japanese Animation. My final words of wisdom are to get your pocket protector ready... you're going to need it down the road.
(11/22/2002)
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