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| April 16th, 2002 I have been thinking about two of my recent entries and I am know going to attempt to connect them and form a remedy that I'll hopefully be satisfied with. On March 12th I wrote about the importance of writing and validating thoughts into existence. On April 5th I wrote about the insignificance of the individual in the course of the world. I see so clearly a connection between the two. No matter how hard I try, I cannot be comforted for the smallness of my seemingly huge existence. I, naturally, take my life seriously and realizing how little my life is is really a reality check. It's not that my life doesn't matter, it's that there are so many lives like my own. Everyone views their existence like I do, and so how can I bring meaning to my life knowing that almost the entire world has no idea I exist and I am such a small part of a plan so great? I find comfort in my words of March 12th. Unless I one day decide to be a famous rock star, the world will never hear me. The world will never utter my name. The world will never know of the struggles and thoughts, which occupy my being and fill me with life. When I die, I will just be a statistic or a number; I will be a tombstone that a few people will see. I will not exist. When I think a thought, it does not exist until I validate it. It does not really exist for the world until I write it down, before that, it only exists for me. And when I'm gone, it won't even exist for me anymore. It will be more gone than ever before. How can I avoid that? How can I be sure that not only are my words real, but that I am real. When I am gone, and the comparatively few people who know me are gone, I will never have existed! I must write. I must do exactly what I decided to do to bring my thoughts into existence. I must bring myself into existence for the world. I will always remain a physical being, I will never die because I will leave part of me behind. I really don't know why things that are not concrete or tangible bother me so much. I am consistent throughout my day-to-day life in not accepting things unless they are substantial or tangible. I have problems grasping concepts in chemistry because an atom is something so unfathomable. I have problems grasping certain mathematical concepts because the figures are not real, I cannot literally grasp them. It is not until I bring an example or a practical application that I begin to put the pieces of facts together and form a complete thought that clicks perfectly into place in my mind. It is a pattern of 'me'. All I can do is make sure I am satisfied with myself, and then help assure myself that I am real, my thoughts are real, my feelings are real. I might change, but the old me will still be there in writing, assuring myself and the world that it does exist. I will not be small if my words are big. |