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Top 10: Monkey TV
In no way inspired by a successful Channel 4 format, this section
looks at the history of Monkey TV and lists the examples in a convenient and
thoroughly original form.
So, in reverse order…
10 FRIENDS
No, this isn’t a cruel jibe at the expense of David Schwimmer. For
a couple of series, this hit sitcom was home to the best-known TV monkey of the
day – Marcel. Whilst it is not true that Marcel received considerably more
fan-mail than Jennifer Aniston during his time on the show, he did get into
some thoroughly hilarious scrapes, such as ruining a game of Scrabble by eating
the tiles.
And Ross’ landlord didn’t mind one bit. Curious, that.
9 THE SIMPSONS
Okay, so it’s not really a monkey programme. But the world’s
best-loved animated show has always been a reliable source of monkey-related
humour.
Whether it’s a monkey kazoo orchestra attacking Sideshow Mel, a
monkey re-enactment of the Battle of Gettysburg, the tragic tale of Mojo the
helper monkey, the thoroughly excellent fictional monkey movies Apes-a-Poppin’ and Hail to the Chimp, Krusty’s chain-smoking simian sidekick Mr.
Teeny, or whatever, there’s something in every few episodes to remind you that
Matt Groening, or at least one of his team of writers, thinks that monkeys are
excellent. And for that, I salute him.
8 CREATURE COMFORTS
While the universal critical acclaim that heralded the broadcast
of Aardman Animation’s Creature Comforts undoubtedly
had something to do with the genius of creator Nick Park, there is little doubt
that it also owed something to the truly hilarious monkeys that featured.
Walruses, elephants and superb attention to background detail are
all well and good, but the highlight of almost every episode were the two
monkeys, one of whom would talk at sombre length about their health problems,
or whatever, while the other did something ridiculously entertaining. A worthy
addition to the Top 10.
7 BBC FOOTBALL COVERAGE
One of the great success stories of recent Monkey TV, and indeed
the primate kingdom in general, is that of Peter Reid. The popular, though not
hugely successful, monkey football manager turned pundit has confounded other
members of his species by learning to speak something approximating to, but not
yet quite recognisable as, the English language.
He uses it to good effect, to comment on the England
internationals that Alan Hansen can’t be bothered with. Persistent rumours from
the mid-90s that “somewhere in Sunderland, there is a monkey with Peter Reid’s
head” (spread to tie in with a popular, but profane Yellow Submarine-based chant of the day) have recently been
confirmed, and that Reid is, as everyone suspected, the primate in question.
6 THE WILD THORNBERRYS
Is it Monkey TV: For Kids or merely Kids TV: With Monkeys? While
it is certainly true that this Nickelodeon favourite features a sizeable cast
of non-monkey characters (modern day Dr. Doolittle Eliza Thornberry, ‘wild
child’ Donny, the sinister alien moustache creature attached to a human host
that is “Sir” Nigel Thornberry), the show is persistently stolen by the
sardonic, decidedly Gallic-looking talking chimp Darwin.
Darwin’s charms have also been seen on the silver screen on two
separate occasions, in both The Wild
Thornberrys Movie and Rugrats Go
Wild. For no good reason that I can fathom, these were excluded from the
film section. However the best way to witness this wisecracking chimp first
hand is still by far the 20-minute cartoons that air on CBBC every few days,
and seemingly on Nickelodeon every few hours.
5 BIGFOOT AND THE HENDERSONS
In the 80s, TV bosses pulled off a coup that no bounty hunter had been able to for many years of
trying - they kidnapped Bigfoot. Now, instead of doing the honourable thing and
turning him over to the scientific community, they forced him to make terrible,
terrible sitcoms.
Although the decision not to advance scientific knowledge means
that we can’t be truly sure whether Bigfoot was a primate of some sort, I am
going to assume that he was, and therefore deserves a place in the guide, on
the basis that he really, really
looks like one.
The show was noted for changing it’s title from Bigfoot and the Hendersons to Harry and the Hendersons and back again
at seemingly random intervals. Or maybe it’s just the order that repeats were
shown in the UK that made it appear that way, I don’t know.
There have been no new series made for a good few years now.
Rumours persist that this is due to Bigfoot’s untimely suicide, and let’s face
it, they are completely understandable.
4 MONKEY MAKES
Now this is more like
it, Channel 5. Though the connection with their re-branding as ‘five’ is
unclear, it seemed to coincide with a dramatic increase in the quality of
monkey programming on the channel.
Monkey Makes wears it’s Monkey TV: For Kids
credentials proudly on it’s proverbial sleeve. The show, broadcast at an
unsociable hour of the morning (9.05am, or something), sees a monkey called
Noodle (apparently not the same one who is a member of popular simian beat
combo Gorillaz) making stuff. Well, that’s not entirely true. Due to the fact
that IT’S A PUPPET, and therefore can’t manipulate the artistic materials with
the required dexterity, it actually sees a monkey called Noodle watching some
woman make stuff.
Although the vast majority of these artistic creations are neither
use nor ornament, it’s a kids show, so it seems cruel to criticise. And the
fact that it comes directly after the grammatically-incorrect adventures of
that red furry idiot Elmo in the schedules, it seems excellent by comparison.
Take note, Neil Buchanan – add a monkey and your show too could
become more than the drinking game/retro haircut fest that it currently is.
3 ORVILLE AND CUDDLES
“I hate that duck!” After watching the green, irritating,
nappy-wearing freak Orville for anything more than four seconds at a stretch,
who could fail to disagree with the sentiments expressed by the contrastingly
excellent Cuddles the Monkey?
No-one, that’s who. Cuddles, who was unfairly described as ‘mean’ in
the theme song of their later animated adventures (Orville was, for the
purposes of rhyme, described as ‘green’, rather than, say, ‘a f***wit’), was
always the best thing about any Keith Harris-based enterprise. Except for I Wish I Could Fly, where the best thing
about it was the hilarious techno remix.
Although, to be honest, apart from the fact that he was orange and
said “I hate that duck!” a lot, I don’t remember a great deal about Cuddles.
But the degree to which he improved anything involving Orville makes him more
than deserving of this lofty perch in the Top 10.
2 MONKEY!
Ha ha… I bet you thought this would be number one on the strength
of it’s title alone. Well, life is full of surprises. Although it does have an
excellent title, and the lead character is called Monkey – and may actually be
a monkey of some kind, in human form – there is a very good reason why this
doesn’t top the chart.
You see, Monkey! is one
of the worst television programmes ever made.
I watched a few episodes of this ‘cult classic’ as research for
this guide, and the prospect of watching another makes undergoing Chinese Water
Torture while listening to Lady in Red
seem like a tempting alternative. Watching Monkey!
while unencumbered by the effects of intoxicating substances is somewhat like
watching a car crash – really, really awful, unless you’re some kind of weirdo.
The needlessly complicated plot, as far as I understand it,
involves a 10,000 year old egg situated on a cloud at the centre of the
universe. Several races with varying degrees of beardedness fight each other
for some reason, often using ancient magics to invoke the power of woeful
special effects. The protagonists are a monkey (stick-on sideburns), a pig
(stick-on ears) and a ‘fish elemental’ (God knows), none or more of whom may or
may not be immortal.
This vagueness is not due to poor research – sorry, not only due to poor research – the abysmal
dubbing of the voices into sub-Banzai!
Japanese accents makes everything very difficult to understand. And I’m
unwilling to talk to anyone who actually enjoys the show enough to know that
sort of thing off-hand.
I can only surmise that the pressing reason for Monkey!’s existence was lost in
translation somewhere. And that people had far, far lower standards for their
entertainment in the 70s.
1 LANCELOT LINK: SECRET CHIMP
You may not have heard of this programme. Neither had I until
recently, and notwithstanding the fact that it may be an internet hoax dreamed
up by someone who knew I was writing this guide, it simply has to be number
one.
You see, Lancelot Link:
Secret Chimp is The Man From
U.N.C.L.E.: With Chimpanzees. The Man
from Monkey’s Uncle, if you will. In the history of television, there has
never been a better premise than that. It must have been made by the sort of TV
company who understands the simple truth that there is no TV show which
couldn’t be improved by replacing the entire cast with monkeys.
Imagine it now. Schedules dominated by The Chimpsons, CSI: Chimp
Scene Investigation, Double Your
Monkey, The Sopranos (Gorilla
Edition)… the possibilities are endless. Television would have finally
become perfect in every way.
Incidentally, the ‘plot involved the eponymous hero joining the
Agency to Prevent Evil (APE, obviously), and fighting crime and that. It was
made in 1970, and was one of those excellent Saturday morning kids series. It
may well never have been shown outside of America, so the campaign for a
worldwide DVD/video release begins here…
A few other things, while we’re on the subject: The ‘challenging’
Channel 4 quiz show Grand Slam is
produced by a company called monkey. While it is not known whether the company
is staffed exclusively by monkeys, that would certainly explain their decision
to accede to Carol Vorderman’s wage demands. Despite the extensive menagerie on
display, there were never any monkey characters on The Muppets. (Although passing reference was made to “Quango the
Mountain Gorilla” on occasion, he never appeared on screen. And although the
more recent Muppets Tonight featured
Sal, the sinister monkey bodyguard, that doesn’t count). An episode of South Park once featured ‘the monkey
with four arses’, but South Park is
still crap. The episode of Little House
on the Prairie which sees Isaiah taking care of Blanche the orang-utan is
one of the finest examples of ‘hilarious monkey stuff in action’ ever committed
to screen.
And who could forget…
DAVID
ATTENBOROUGH: WE SALUTE YOU
Without the BBC’s foremost intrepid naturalist, monkeys would not
appear on screen nearly as much as they currently do. Also, the majority of the
nation would still be in the dark about their mating habits. For outstanding services
to Monkey TV, David Attenborough: We Salute You.
Monkey Advertising
While we’re on the subject of TV… The next time you get up to put
the kettle on during a commercial break, consider this - you could be missing
some top quality monkey advertising, or ‘monkertising’ as it’s known in the
business. Here’s a few of the campaigns that might have caught your eye over
the years.
PG TIPS
A brand now synonymous with monkertising, PG Tips are the best
example of what a few hilarious talking chimps can do for you. Previously only
known for sharing their name with a nationwide landfill site franchise, PG Tips
soon became the nation’s favourite cup of char.
Although concerns over animal welfare have led to the chimps being
replaced by some clay birds, the PG Tips Chimps were recently named the
nation’s favourite advertising campaign of all time. And who can argue? Great
though the Smash Aliens were, they were never so popular that they inspired a
series of collectible cards, and nor were they ever seen pushing pianos up
stairs, driving cars or wearing hair curlers.
ITV DIGITAL
Recently named the nations third favourite advertising campaign of
all time, the ITV Digital ‘Monkey’ campaign is the perfect example of how all the
good done by having an adorable monkey glove puppet in your adverts can
instantly be undone by the addition of a Northern comedian.
ITV Digital – which, as the name suggests, was ITV’s venture into
the world of digital television provision – crashed and burned, very nearly
taking half of the football league with it. But everyone loved the adverts, to
such a degree that monkey glove puppets outsold set-top boxes by a considerable
margin.
COCO POPS
The breakfast cereal advertised by the monkeys whose name is Coco
ad who is, by all accounts, a monkey like you. He lives in the jungle, and not
in the zoo. He lived on leaves when there weren’t any shops, but would rather
have a bowl of Coco Pops.
And that, in a nutshell, is the gist of the adverts, although it
was slightly altered when the name of the product briefly changed to ‘Choco
Krispies’ (the monkey was not correspondingly renamed ‘Choco the Krispy
Monkey’). The adverts made no mention of how thoroughly ridiculous Coco looked
in his baseball cap and t-shirt.
TANGO
In the days before their adverts inspired children to slap
eachother, Tango ran an advertising campaign featuring an orang-utan, who
bemoaned the state of Californian women (“bodies too long, arms too short”) and
then drank Tango for some reason. No-one remembers this advert except me, so it
merely provides yet more evidence that I am going slowly mad.
HALFORDS
“You pay peanuts, so we thought we’d give you monkeys”, intones
the voiceover, as chimps merrily ride bikes. People would undoubtedly willingly
pay peanuts for many other things if it meant getting monkeys on a regular
basis.
GROLSCH
A simple advert, which pictorially demonstrates the parallels
between Darwinian Evolution Theory and the Grolsch brewing process with the use
of a chimp in a wedding dress.
HFS LOANS
A company specialising in loans (and possibly clog dancing) use an
orang-utan in their ‘lose your debts now by defiantly non-criminal means!’
adverts for no reason other than orang-utans are funny. Respect.
CHANNEL 4
INTERACTIVE
Arnold the Space Monkey invites you to press the red button on
your remote control and enjoy some games. It’s possible this is an
encouragement to obese children to get some exercise, as the red button on my
remote control merely switches the TV off.
KODAK
A holidaymaker leaves his APS camera in the jungle, and some
orang-utans use it, as if to demonstrate how easy-to-use APS cameras are, and
how stupid tourists are. Also, the unrelated adverts for Kodak High-Definition
Film also features the odd monkey here and there.
HERBAL ESSENCES
FRUIT FUSION
A couple of monkeys look on in an impressed manner while some
woman re-enacts that scene from When
Harry Met Sally under a waterfall. Their comment? “I think we’ve been
eating the wrong fruit.” What?
So, theoretically at least, that covers everything you need to
know about monkeys on television.
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