| That's Entertoiment! By Edward Scissor Hands |
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| Nicole: I almost shot myself after Laurence dumped me |
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| Actress, Nicole Kidman, has told The Toimes in an exclusive interview how she tried several times to take her own life after being uncerimoniously dumped by former lover and Toimes co-owner, Laurence Brown. She said that being away from Laurence was just "too hard, having been completely dependent upon him for all this time." The relationship ended |
| Happier Times: Nicole, moments after she had had her first ever conversation with Laurence Brown. |
| when Mr Brown told her to "pack her bags and fuck off" after he felt she was no longer worthy of being in his presence. Matthew Golightly, a spokesman for Mr Brown, said, "Laurence told me that he wants nothing more to do with Miss Kidman and that if she's pregnant he will give her a hundred and fifty thousand dollars to bugger off." |
| Meanwhile, things are back on between Buffy star and Enderby |
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| Robert Enderby has reluctantly accepted the apology of Sarah Michelle Gellar and taken her back. Mr Enderby was angered by the Buffy star's belief that she could be allowed out of the house and that she had roles in places other than the kitchen and bedroom. She has now come round to Mr Enderby's way of thinking and is once again The Toimes co-owner's concubine. |
| Says Miss Michelle Gellar, "I was almost in the state Nicole Kidman is in. I just had to plead my way back, otherwise life would have been pointless. "I guess Robert is the world's greatest ever person, which in itself is rather humorous, given the existence of Laurence Brown." Miss Michelle Gellar will be locked in a cupboard for the next three months while Mr Enderby watches TV. |
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| Bond star, Moore, quizzed by police for taking own name too seriously |
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| Former James Bond star, Roger Moore, has been questioned by police in the last twenty-four hours - because he has allegedly been taking his own name too literally. Several women report that Moore, 75, tried to have sex with them in a car |
| park. Other reports say he may well have been pissed whereas others seem to suggest that he is in the middle of a beastly plot to kidnap Prince Charles and turn him into jelly. Neither, though, are likely. Moore has so far given no comment. |
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| The Toimes, Copyright 1999. The Toimes is a product of Tomatoistic Industries and any breach of copyright by individuals, groups or organisations without the permission of the proprietors will result in immediate prosecution in accordance with the 1988 copyright, designs and patent act. |