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     he deputy Prime Minister, John Prescott, has spoken for the first time in half an hour about the siege which the Al Qaeda Network have placed upon the Humber Bridge.
   The Bridge was taken by the group just seven minutes after Sophie Monroe reported on page 2 that the Al Qaeda Network planned to attack Presscott.
    The Network cleared the bridge at half past three and stuffed everybody's mouths with grass.
     When Mr Presscott heard of the siege in the House of Commons today he reportedly expressed his utmost concern by shouting "fucking h***," at the top of his voice.That information was given to us by a spokesbastard who wasn't even aware of his own existence.

   But all this was just an act by the selfish twat. For the Toimes can reveal exclusively that John Presscott is in fact a higher power within the Network and he it was who orchestrated the attacks on the World Trade Center some time in September.
    Last night, the saviours of the world, Laurence Brown and Robert Enderby, recovered Presscott's plans from his house in Hull.
    The plans show that John Presscott planned the attacks so that all of America would go into panic, causing the fall of the Government, thus allowing him to be King of America. However, the Pentagon have been alerted to the prat's plan of action and intend to introduce him to the man who blew off Richard Whitely's head with

a Porky Pie Anatomical Glue Shitter.
The documents that my bosses nicked also tell how Osama Bin Laden has been possessed by the evil Presscott and turned into a hated grease monkey. Before this happened, however, Mr Bin Laden was an exceptionally nice bloke with a strong Scottish accent and a German dad.

The accusations made against Bin Laden that he was gay, have been denied by Leicester, the city in which he used to live. They say that just because he was giffing the wag bag gag blast, doesn't mean he was making big bucks in the big league of man to man porn. He was probably just hungry.

Former Rainbow hotshot, Bungle, has had charges made against him, citing serious assault and theft.
The bear "was" walking harmlessly down the street when he saw Jean Bryers, an elderly pensioner, entering a dodgy underground night club. According to Miss Bryers (she's never been married incidentally) Bungle then raced up along side her, and twatted her in the face with a suitcase. He then

allegedly nicked several hundred thousand pounds from her coat pocket and legged it like a reprimanded Nazi.
However, the woman is supposedly senile and sported no lasting signs of this brutal attack. She has since been interred into a local mental institution as a critical mental patient.
Now bungle is pressing charges against the Toimes for misrepresentation. And he's got an axe.

Just mere second's after his birth, little Dylan Thomas declared his wish to be put back inside the warm body of his mother. The baby, pictured right (and censored for legal reasons) amazed doctors by being able to speak. His first day on this planet was shrouded in controversy by all manners of speaking. Apparently, Dylan pulled a moony at one of the nurses. Some, though, say that the baby was born with an abnormal lack of

clothing and that his moony-pulling was just a run-of-the-mill act of nature.
His nappies, incidentally, were made by a laborious Noel Edmunds, who held a gun to his own head whilst ordering himself to make the damn things.

Last night a moth (there was no assumed name) was found dead, floating atop the water of a big, fat swimming pool, in Portsmouth approximately.
The pool was owned by a rich bastard who claimed he had no knowledge of how the moth, 0.00036, came to die in this pool, which boasts three lifeguards.

But one of these lifeguards has given a statement saying;
"Moths are small and that makes it very difficult for us to see them. We're not to blame for its death."
Police investigating the incident are having great difficulty tracking down family members of the deceased, and a funeral is unlikely with the moth decaying slowly away.

Giants of mouthcare, Colgate, have had a huge help in hand from man's worst enemy. A Great White Shark, from Rutherford, New Jersey, was said to be using the toothpaste before and after viciously chewing off the legs of an unsuspecting surfer.
And Colgate say they're delighted with this endorsement.

"Human flesh is chewy and very hard to remove from the gums, I mean I know from experience. But when this shark eats a human and removes the flesh in seconds with our product it just shows how effective the toothpaste is." Said new Colgate chief, Mike Tyson yesterday at a bastard bop shop.

This past Saturday, there was but one National Lottery winner. His name was Roland Arnold, a monk from a monastry in Kidderminster. Instead of being happy with his winnings, however, Mr Arnold sat in the corner

of his living room whining like a girl and said that he was having the money all to himself. He subsequently shouted at his wife, telling her to pack her bags and fuck off.
Nobody knows whether this is true or not, especially Laurence Brown

and Robert Enderby. They just thought that the story should be written because monks are inherently evil, given that Friar Donald was found last year putting a monastic stick of woe up a monkey's rectum.