| 11:00pm Chester, as Pearlman, ran out to the smokers. "Come with me, up to Blues!" he yelled, and Shannon, Rod Steele, and William the Bloody followed. They ran into Kayley, Alanna Banana, and Toddesha in the lobby of Blues and demanded that they follow quick, like a bunny. Pearlman and Co. Raced to the elevators, waited for 3 minutes (because one was broken), and when one arrived, went directly to the 7th floor. "Whoa, he even pushed Call Cancel; he means business," said Kayley, in awe. Once they arrived, they bolted off the elevator and Pearlman yelled "Quick, to 724!" Somewhere in his messages, Deep Throat had told Pearlman that the Squirrel Queen was none other than Tatiana, the Little Russian Princess. The group raced down the hall towards 724, but were stopped dead in their tracks. "Babies!!!!!" yelled Toddesha, Kayley, and Shannon, running towards the dozens of babies lying in the hallway doing cute baby things. "Lame!" said Alanna Banana, rolling her eyes. "Someday, there's going to be a baby in here," Kayley said, rubbing her abdomen. "Dammit, another diversion," said Pearlman, upset at the loss of almost half of his force. A clever one, he had to admit. "Bugger this," muttered William the Bloody as he watched the women forget all that they'd learned about feminism and begin fawning over the children, clutching their uteri. Eventually, Rod Steele, William the Bloody, Alanna Banana, and Pearlman made it to the doorway. They opened the door and saw hundreds of squirrels, armed to the teeth, guarding not only the water, but Tatiana, the Squirrel Queen. "Pearlman!" she shouted angrily from her perch. "At last, we meet, Squirrel Queen," Pearlman replied in superhero voice. "Go to it, Golden Oldies!" she yelled. Chaos ensued. Old people in gold sequined suits lept from nowhere and began to attack Pearlman. "Right!" yelled William the Bloody, jumping into the fray and kicking some elderly ass. Alanna Banana, inspired by his moves, followed suit to help. At the same time, Rod Steele, realizing that he and Pearlman would be unable to defeat the squirrels alone AND fight the Golden Oldies, decided to rescue Kayley, Toddesha, and Shannon from the babies. He approached the babies, clutching his stomach and yelling "Someday, there's going to be a baby in here - and that day is today!" as he licked his incisors. Despite the efforts of Alanna Banana, Rod Steele, and William the Bloody, Pearlman realized that he was fighting a losing battle. Just then, the door burst open and The Emperor, still shirtless staggered in...with an army of 600 rebel black squirrels with red bandanas. "Relinquish the water!" he slurred, bumping into the wall. "Attack, squirrels!" As the squirrels battled it out in combat, it to become a battle of wits - so to speak - among Pearlman, The Squirrel Queen, and The Emperor. "Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" yelled the Squirrel Queen. "The squirrels aren't happy under your regime. Plus, without water, we can't drink without getting sick, and that won't make anyone happy. I just want us all to be happy, you know?" The Emperor rambled. "What?" said Pearlman. "But nooooooooooo, no one wants you to be in charge of the squirrels," said the Squirrel Queen. "Why not?" said The Emperor. "Because I said so." "What is going on here?" Pearlman said, as he split his time between fighting squirrels and old people, and listening to drunken logic compete with sober nonsense. Thoroughly confused, he simply ignored them and concentrated on getting the water supply safely out. For the squirrels, it was a bitter battle to the finish, with many lives lost on both sides. However, the determination of the rebel squirrels not to be manipulated by the Squirrel Queen, who had oppressed them for so long, won out, and teh rebel squirrels triumphed. In a strange turn of events, the Squirrel Queen turned her power over to The Emperor in exchange for something shiny. "Shots for everyone!" yelled The Emperor to the victorious Pearlman and Co. Next Previous The Adventures of Pearlman |