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NOSEDOG'S GUIDE TO
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NOSEDOG'S GUIDE TO
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topaussieguide news
Wednesday, August 6. Following their failure to remove stolen Top Aussie Guide material from their website, nosedog has attacked the Munich Cricket Club by calling the club the "Gayest Cricket Club, Anywhere, Ever".Nosedog was forced to issue the assault after repeated requests to remove the stolen material, or at least acknowledge the source, went unheeded by the club. It is suspected, however, that instead of being ashamed by the award, members of the club are secretly excited about their extraordinary gayness becoming public knowledge.
"It saddens me that such a fine club could become so faggy" nosedog commented. "So very, very, very, faggy".
Members of Munich Cricket were unavailable for comment, as they were probably in the clubhouse indulging in gay sex and masturbating with cricket bats up their shitter.
Wednesday, December 6. A golden moment in Australia's sporting history was immortalised today when speed limits across Tasmania were lowered to 52 kph to honour David Boon's 52 beer plane flight to England. At the unveiling of the new '52' signs, Tasmanian Premier Llynol Snively stated that all Tasmanians
will love the new signs. "Let's face it - Boonie is a bloody legend. He was a champion batsmen, a genius fielder in close and a massive pisstank to boot. And he's got a HUGE moustache."
The Tasmanian Roads and Traffic Authority expect few problems getting motorists to obey the new speed limits. After all, they stated, exceeding the speed limit now implies you are better than Boonie, and no-one is better than Boonie.
Boonie was quoted as saying that he was "fucken stoked" with the signs.
In recent news Australian mens magazine Ralph allegedly paid the Top Aussie Team "a shitload of cash" to write an article on Top Aussie bands. The article, which featured legendary Aussie bands such as ACDC and the Angels, was described by the Top Aussie Team as "not our best work" and "fairly shithouse".
Staff at Ralph magazine had to substantially edit the article to make it suitable for publication, including the elimination of phrases such as "Pauline Hanson" and "stupid fucking bitch". Asked what they planned to do with their paycheck, the Top Aussie Team indicated that they would be "pissing it up in Bali".
The Prime Minister of Down Under is facing renewed pressure from the public to say "sorry" to the nations beer-drinkers for raising the price of beer. This follows the release of his Complete Bastard Tax (CBT) which saw price of a schooner increase by about 50c, and the price of a case of amber ale rise by $3. Social Workers around the nation complain the tax has "stuffed everyone" in regard to the purchasing of beer.
Irene Durry, a phone operator from Lifeline told the Top Aussie Guide "I've had blokes ring up who're completely rooted as a result of this tax. Now they have to win more often at the TAB just to pay for beer."
Roy Fibro from the Beresfield Bowling Club was of similar opinion. "Blokes used to flip me a $2 coin for a schooie. So quick and easy. Now they're all fumbling for extra change. It means longer queues at the bar. It's just wrong. Johnny should say he's bloody sorry".
Following the record breaking, three gold haul of champion Aussie Ian Thorpe, the Anglican church today announced that Thorpe was their new God. In a move supported by a majority of parishioners, Archbishop John Mullet declared yesterday that the church had decided to elect the swimmer to the place of The Almighty.
"To tell you the truth, the old God was getting a bit boring" Archbishop Mullet said. "Now that the Thorpedo is God, we've got someone to really look up to."
"I think it's fucking fantastic" said Bishop Ian Longneck.
"Thooooooooooorrrrpeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee" was Bishop Bob Tinny's view.
"I never saw Jesus break a world record for the 400 free" said the organ player Irene Stubby.
The first sermons to be devoted to Thorpe are to be held on Sunday, and are expected to draw record crowd figures. Archbishop Mullet's only concern was whether the first hymn should be "Aussie Aussie Aussie" or "Waltzing Matilda".
The Reserve Bank of Australia in conjunction with the Australian
Mint today unveiled a new banknote honouring David Boon's
legendary 52 beer plane flight to England in 1989. Director of
the Reserve Bank Sir Bernard Beccle said "We are pleased to pay
tribute to the greatest drinking feat in the history of the
nation. The fact that it was a member of our national cricket team makes it all the more grouse".
Boonie was quoted as saying that he was "fucken stoked" at the release of the note.
The only opposition to the note was from the Airline Industry Workers Union, which stated that the Reserve Bank was encouraging binge drinking and misbehaviour on aircraft. The
Reserve Bank responded, accusing the AIWU of being "a bunch of poofs".
Asked what he planned to do with his commemorative $52 note, Boonie replied simply - "26 schooners, mate".
In a press conference today the Top Aussie team unveiled it's
latest product, Top Aussie Bitter. "Lets face it, we can't really be totally oz without our own beer" said a member of the team. With it's distinctively Australian labelling and "get maggotted" slogan, the Top Aussie team expects the beer to be "a winner".
"About bloody time" was what one punter said about the release
of TA Bitter.
"I better be able to get maggotted on it" commented another.
Asked whether they expected their brew to be better than VB, the
Top Aussie team appeared confused. "Nothin's better than VB"
Nosedog said. The team members described the development of the
beer as a long and painful process. "All those batches that weren't quite right, and shit, we couldn't just pour it all down the drain. We're just lucky there was a kebab shop across the road."
In a similar move, Holden and Weet Bix are expected to have their own beer on the market by the end of the month.
New Pub Crawl Challenge: Drink a schooner at each of the pubs featured in Aussie Pubs.