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Everyone should try to be more Australian. Even Uruguayans.
So here's some examples
of Aussies to look up to. They're grouse, they're
tops, and they're doing it for oz.
FIND US AT WWW.TOPAUSSIEGUIDE.COM
Don Bradman
Don Bradman is a top Aussie. He is the best cricketer ever. If you took
all the cricketers ever and put them together they would not be as good as
Bradman. He was so good at batting that the English stopped trying to bowl
him out. Instead they tried to kill him by throwing the ball at his head.
English people are not very good at sport, and Australia beats them heaps.
Bradman helped the Aussie team thrash England heaps of times.
He was so tops at batting that if he wanted to, Bradman could have smashed
England while holding a stubbie and smoking a durry, just like the blokes
do in the park on weekends. Bradman scored 6996 Test runs in 70 innings,
which makes his average approximately 99.94285714286.
Bradman is a top Aussie.
The Holden Kingswood
The Kingswood is a top Aussie vehicle. It was originally designed for
military use as a tank but Holden decided to remove the cannon and
called it a car. There are several hundred thousand million Kingswoods
in Australia and lots now go faster than originally intended
because apprentice mechanics have stuck massive donks in them. Federal
legislation makes it compulsory for all apprentice mechanics to drive
Kingswoods. Kingys with front bench seats are tops because you can fit
16 of your pisstank yobbo mates in them with room for a slab. The
windows are extra wide so you can stick your fat arse out and moon
people. The Kingswood is a top Aussie.
David Boon
David Boon is one of the toppest Aussies ever. He was a member of the
Australian cricket team from 1984 to 1996. They called him 'Stumpy'
because he batted with tree stumps instead of SS Jumbos. Boony is a
proud Tasmanian and if you knocked Tassie in front of him he would
probably kill you. In 1988 he spewed on national TV when he was playing
at Adelaide Oval. Although Boonie is a short man, he has been known to
sink a shitload of piss. In 1989 he became an Australian cricketing hero
when he put back 52 beers on the way to a cricket match in England.
If you tried to drink as much as Boonie you would probably die.
Boonie is a top Aussie.
Merv Hughes
Merv is a top Aussie. He is like David Boon but he's bigger and his
moustache is bigger and he was a fast bowler. However, he still could
crack a massive six whenever he wanted to. Sometimes during cricket
games when Australia was destroying some shithouse team, Merv would
get so excited that he would stick his tongue in other players ears.
His main bowling weapon was his massive moustache, which he used to
hypnotise batsmen while running in to bowl. When he was warming up
in the outfield the crowd thought he was playing "Simon Says" and
copied his actions.
Big Merv is a top Aussie.
VB
Beer is a top Aussie. Beer was invented in Australia. As VB is the best
beer in Australia, it is THE GREATEST BLOODY BEER IN THE UNIVERSE.
No Australian knows what VB stands for, but many people make guesses like
Victor Bravo, Vitamin B, Violent Beer, Veebers or Very Bad. VB has many
uses: you can pour it over your BBQ to flavour your onions or drink 16 to
get maggoted. "Getting Maggoted" is a popular Australian drinking game
where the object is to drink VB until you fall over and spew. VB sells so
well in Australia that they haven't bothered to make new TV commercials
since 1897. VB is so tops that if VB was your mate it would not fart in your
car or sleaze onto your missus while you were away.
VB is a top Aussie.
Shane Warne
Shane Warne is a top Aussie. He is also a massive pisstank yobbo with
a beer-gut who dyes his hair blonde and drives a red convertible.
Warney has done some bad things. He once got paid 100 grand by Nicabate
to give up durries for a year but he lit up heaps when he was pissed. Then
he took money from some Indian bookmakers for pre-match information.
He once smashed a camera cause a kiddy took a photo of his beer gut. Then
he got toey on the phone and dirty-talked an English girly who wasn't his
wife. However, all Australians agree that Warney can be excused for doing
these things cause he spin bowls like a genius and makes England look
completely shithouse. Warney could drink all our beer and then spew on our
carpet and we wouldn't care as long as he keeps taking wickets.
Warney is a top Aussie.
Bob Hawke
Bob Hawke is a top Aussie. He was in politics and got to be Prime Minister
of Australia, which is like being the Queen's assistant. However, he is
not famous for this achievement. The reason he is famous is because he was
a champion beer drinker when he was young. In 1952 he won a beer skulling
competition at the University of Western Australia by skulling three schooners
in 9.3 seconds. Then in 1954 at Oxford he got a Guinness Book World Record
for skulling 2.5 pints in 12 seconds. After he finished pissing up at uni
he became President of the Australian Council of Trade Unions. He won heaps
of wage cases and Aussies loved him because they got more money to spend
on piss. Bob had to be chauffered around lots because half the time he was
too pissed to drive. After he finished pissing up at the ACTU, he entered
politics and ran the country for a while. Bob is Australia's favourite
politician and a pisstank and he is a top Aussie.
Ned Kelly
Ned Kelly was born at Beveridge, Victoria, in December 1854. He was a
bushman who used to steal horses to ride around on cause Holdens weren't
invented back then. Ned turned into an outlaw when his family was gaoled
after a pissed Policeman tried to make a pass at Ned's sister and got
smashed by Ned's brother Dan. Ned and three of his mates then went round
robbing banks and pissing up. One of the pissups was in the Glenrowan pub
where the gang pissed up for two days straight with the whole town. The
pub was surrounded by Police and the Kelly Gang came out shooting wearing
do-it-yourself metal armour. Ned's mate Joe got shot dead cause he went back
into the pub and took off his armour to have a drink. Ned got shot 22 times
but he lived and was arrested and later hanged. Many Australians have walked
out of the pub pissed and been hit by a car, but not many have walked out of the pub pissed
and been hit by 22 bullets. That is what makes Ned Kelly a top Aussie.
Larry Perkins
LP is a top Aussie. He builds his own race cars which are all Holdens
cause Fords don't go fast enough. Sometimes he races in an event called
the Bathurst 1000 which is a massive drinking competition on a hill.
If you tried to go Larry at the lights in your Monaro, he would drag
you off heaps bad. You would have no chance mate.
LP is a top Aussie.
Fatty and Sterlo
Fatty and Sterlo like to call themselves legends, but in fact they are
top Aussies. They both played Rugby League for Australia. When most
football players retire they do crappy TV ads for clothing companies dressed
up in tracksuits, but instead Fatty and Sterlo own a stupid TV show where
they dress up like women. Fatty and Sterlo know bugger-all when it comes to
television but they have a crack at it anyway. Fatty likes to have a go at
Sterlo over the size of his nose, calling him Snorkella. Sterlo likes to have
a go at Fatty over the colour of his hair, calling him a Bloodnut and
Red-headed Rat-Rooter. Fatty and Sterlo would both be funny bastards to get
pissed with. They are both top Aussies.
The Queen
The Queen is a top Aussie because she runs the country. Anyone who runs
Australia must be tops, because it is a tops place. The Queen has a massive
place which is great for piss-ups cause there is about a million sofas for
your mates to crash on and heaps of dunnies so you don't have to hold the
snake. The Queen is also ace on the barby and her steak marinade has been
described as "bloody tops". A champion host, the Queen always gets you a
fresh one from the Esky, and acting as backup when Her Royal Highness "goes
the yard glass" is one of the greatest honours an Australian can have. Some
people reckon the Queen shouldn't run the country because they never see her
down at the Beresfield Bowling Club. But if the Queen lived in Australia,
she would spent every night down at the Bero Bowlo and she would win heaps
of meat trays. The Queen is a top Aussie.
Darwin
Darwin is a town full of top Australians. It is in the Northern Territory
which is also a pretty tops place because it has a massive rock in the middle
of it. The average temperature in Darwin is 65°C, with humidity usually around
190%. This creates an ideal climate for beer consumption. The Guinness Book
of Records makes a special mention of Darwin because it is a place where beer
consumption approaches super-human levels. The people of Darwin drink a
massive 194.6 litres of beer per person annually, and that includes women
and children. That is a shitload. In fact it is illegal in Darwin to drink
less than a six-pack a day. Darwinnians drink so much that they created their
very own 2 litre beer bottle, called the Darwin Stubby. It is the biggest
beer bottle in the universe. Skulling a Darwin Stubby is a necessary
requirement for a Darwin High School Certificate.
Darwin is a top Aussie.
The Ute
The Ute represents the cream of top Aussie engineering. It was
invented in Australia by Holden when a bloke wrote to them and
complained that he couldn't fit enough beer in the back of a
sedan. Since then all utes have been designed so that
Australians can haul as much beer as possible. Farmers also like
utes cause Blue Heelers are particularly flatulent dogs and the
tray makes a good place for them. The lack of weight over the
back tyres makes the ute ideal for work, especially circle work.
The ute is a top Aussie.
Blue Heelers
Bluey is a top Aussie dog. He is usually seen in the back of farmers utes
because the excitement of riding in the cabin causes him to be excessively
flatulent. The Blue Heeler was invented in Australia from a combination
of dogs, just like a Chinese stir-fry. As he is part dingo his diet consists
primarily of young infants left in tents. Blue Heelers are also exceptionally
smart dogs, and owners have to be careful not to leave their credit-cards or
PIN numbers lying around. Blue Heelers are most commonly used to round up cattle
in paddocks, which is an unfortunate waste of talent, because with proper
training, Bluey can be taught to fetch a VB from the fridge so you don't have
to leave the lounge while watching the footy. The Blue Heeler is a top Aussie.
Nothing is a topser meal than a real Aussie meat pie. It is a pie filled
with gravy and stuff. Sometimes if you are lucky you even get some meat
in it. Bricklayers and tradesmen do not eat or drink anything apart from
meat pies and 750mL glass bottles of Coke. Meat pies are grouse food to
eat after drinking 17 beers on the way home from the pub, but meat pie
gravy leaves a stain which is difficult to remove from carpet.
The meat pie is a top Aussie.
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