CHAPTER 10

I really don't like the fact that Lucky is working for Helena. She got him to break into Dara Jensen's office the other day. He told me to basically get lost, but I hung around, I case he needed back up, and it's a good thing I did, because Detective Garcia was about to go in the office. I told him I had to talk to him right away, that way it would give time to Lucky for him to finish what he had to do and get the hell out of there. I hate the fact that she's having him do illegal stuff, I don't want him to get arrested, and then I will really be alone. I went back to the office, and let him know the coast was clear.

He told me we would break the law once a week, because it put me in a good mood, and it made me laugh. But I still don't like it. We were on the docks and I told him I would go with him to deliver whatever it is he got from the office, but he said no, so I said I would wait for him on the docks, and he said OK. He told me he wasn't in danger, but I now he was, because he wanted to celebrate, and when I ask him what? And he said "the fact that I'm still around to celebrate" and he said that yes, he was worried, and that it was just a one shot deal.

We went to the Outback, and we talked about my rapist, and I told him how much I wanted to blow that guy's head off, or just tell him that I know. Lucky wants us to go to the stores to smell the spicy soap. I don't think it's that good of an idea, but what else can we do. He told me he had to go to the yatch, and I called Dr. Baldwin, because I wasn't doing so good. When I came back from the pay phone, I ran into Mr. Murty, and I was a basket case. He gave me his handkerchief and it smelled the same smell the rapist had on him. I was freaking out, and he tried to get me to tell him what was wrong. I splashed water so I could take the handkerchief home with me. I can't wait to tell Lucky.

I was looking for something under the desk in Helena's yatch, and she foudn me snooping around. She looked under it, and she found a bug I'm sure my father out there, but she thought I did. She was pissed and I was growing nervous. She asked me how much there were like that around the boat, and I tried to tell her I didn't know. She told her pet Ari to search the boat and to dispose of them, and after dispose of me, so I told her if something happened to me, Nikolas would have an accident and she slapped me. My father showed up at this moment, with a gun. We made her believe we were working together, and she gave me my final compensation, and I left. On the docks I saw what it was. Pictures of my mother, with bruises all over her, kind of like Elizabeth had after her rape. Dad told me they were fakes, but I don't really care.

The more I think about it, the more I'm sure it's Ted Murty. Lucky broke into his info in school, and we found out he was married. After that, we found out his wife made a 911 call for domestic violence on Valentine's day. We decided to fish around, and we went to the PC grill where she works, and Lucky made some research and we found her. We ate there, and the check was getting more and more high, so we pitched in together, but Nikolas paid the check. Lucky was so mad. After that, we talked to Eleanor, and she basically told me to butt out, that she didn't want to get caught up in my problems, and she told me not to contact her again.

That night, Lucky and I talked about catching the rapist, and I think he changed his mind and he thinks it's not Mr. Murty, but the conversation got to his parents. He told me his dad was always getting even and he didn't know if it was because of that he wanted to get the rapist, but I told him that we would do it to prevent him from doing to somebody else.

I love it when we talk about anything or everything, and we talked about his mother for a while. He told me she had this power to make you feel important to her, that it's like she understands everything, everything she says sounds so true and right, even if it isn't. He talked about Nikolas, that he didn't know about, but I think, deep down inside, he hurt to know that he could've had a brother in his life, but that now it could never happen because even though they are blood, they are strangers. I told him I wonder about her, because she didn't want to get even with Luke, and Lucky asked me if I could image doing what she did, he asked me if I could live a week, or a month, under that same roof, making his meal, sharing the bed of my rapist. He said if I could tell him it made sense, that he would believe me, but I don't feel right about being an authority on his mother's thoughts. He asked me if I could love my rapist. I told him maybe I could get to a point where I wouldn't hate my rapist every minute of every day, but marrying him? No way, not ever.

He is so torn apart, it breaks my heart. I could just see how much my words hurt him, so I decided to change the subject. So we talked about Murty and he said he would talk to his old neighbors, and I said I would get him to admit it. I said I wanted to be alone with him, and but Lucky got mad at me. He started to be upset, and he said I wouldn't do it. He started saying I just said I couldn't pretend to like him, and he nearly yelled at me that I wasn't his mother. Made me nervous, so I said I didn't want to talk about it anymore, and I laid down. I waited till he was in his bed to write this. I feel awful to be nervous around Lucky, but what else can I do? I turn into Jell-O when a guy raises his voice at me, Lucky or no Lucky.

She had asked me about my mother, and she said she wanted to understand her, why she didn't want to get even with my dad for raping her, and I asked her if she could ever do what my mom did, maybe not now, but in a couple of years. If she could stay even for just a week with her rapist, and that if she told me it made sense to her, honestly made some kind of sense to her, I would believe her. I was honest. I trust her to tell me the truth, but she said she couldn't imagine doing what my mother did. She said maybe it was just because my mother was just a better person than she was, but she could never do that my mother did. And it hurt me so bad. I mean I knew the answer, but for Elizabeth to actually admit it, was like she opened my heart with a blow torch, that is when she talked about seducing Mr. Murty. I told her there was no way in hell she would do it, and she asked me if I was forbidding her to do it, and I answered flat out she couldn't do it. That's when I became upset. I don't want her anywhere near that man, let alone try to seduce him into a confession! I know I am possessive, over- protective of her, but I can't help myself. She's been through enough, there is no way she can pull something like that, she told me herself she couldn't, and she was arguing with me so I shouted "You're not my mother OK!" and I saw her shut up like a clam. She told me she didn't want to talk about this anymore, and she got under the covers. I was standing in her room, and I saw her close the light, and I just wanted to jump off her roof to kill myself. She is afraid of me when I'm like that, I know she is, so why don't I try and restrain myself? I will never touch her, I won't hurt her, and I know she knows it, but she can't help but being afraid of me. She used to think she was queen of the world too, doing what she wanted and when she wanted, so, in her mind, of something this big shattered her, why wouldn't I be able to hurt her? I'm sure she hates me now, but I swear I won't lose my temper with her again. Never.