CHAPTER 9

I am back to speaking my mind. Lucky came here tonight, and he told me he was leaving -- again. He told me he tried living with his aunt Bobbie and that didn't work, so he would just pack up and leave. I said I wouldn't let him go, that I needed him too much. I said I could say good luck, but I was too much of a brat to care. It's true. I don't want him to go and I will lay every guilt trip in the book to prevent him from leaving me. He told me everyone knew his dad, and that everyone would think he's a brat, they would want to know why. He said he'd need a job, a place to stay, and that his father would make sure he doesn't get them. BUT I DON'T CARE! I don't want him to go. He is the best friend I ever had, the best friend I would ever have, and I am NOT going to let him go without a fight. I told him it was obviously easier for him to walk away than it is for me to let him.

He said it wasn't easier for him, and I know he meant it. So I told him I would leave with him. I'd rather be anywhere with him, than here without him. I will never hide my feelings for him again. The first time I did, I got raped for being too proud to admit I liked him, I won't do that anymore. I don't mean that I still like him That way, I will never be able to look at any guy that way again, but I like him, I can even say I love him, you know, like you would love your brother, or like in my case, your best friend, and there is no way in hell I will let him walk out of my life. If he goes, I go. He told me this was my home, but I didn't grew up here, the only person I care about, other than Lucky, is Gram, but I am not feeling safe with her. I told him about going to a rape survivor's group, and that I didn't actually go in, and he was all supportive for "next time", but there won't be a next time if I can't talk to him about it.

I have never felt for anyone in my entire life what I feel for Lucky. I mean, he is gentle, honest, respectful, THERE. He never backed down, or looked away after the rape. He was solid, and he kept his promise, he was there for me when I needed him, and I know he needs me with everything that is happening in his life, why won't he let me? I think he is just afraid of letting anyone near him again, afraid to care about someone and getting hurt like his father did to him. But he cares about me, I know he does, since he decided to try plan C.

I don't know what is plan C, he left without telling me, and he hasn't come back yet. But I'm smart. I maybe don't get straight A's like Sarah does, but I was afraid he would bail out without coming back, since he already said his good-bye, so I told him to leave me his bags. I know he won't leave without them, so if plan C doesn't work, he has no other choice than to come back here to get them anyway, and I will have to plead my case one more time. He is not leaving me, wether he likes it or not.

Not that I like the woman or anything, but the pay is good, and I can fish for information about the skeletons in my family. And the best part is, I don't have to leave Elizabeth behind me. I don't have to leave her at all. I must admit, this is the part I'm most happy about. Not that I would admit it to anyone. Man, listen to me, too proud to tell my own journal about my true feelings for Elizabeth. I'm not in love with her or anything, but I grew more attached to her everyday. She is like the sunshine of my day. Wether it's been good or bad, seeing her always makes me feel better a little. Ok, a lot.

Now I'm going to see her and ask her if her offer still stands. I hope so.

Sorry if I haven't written anything in a while, I've been spending all my free time with Lucky. He didn't leave town, but I'm not happy about what he's doing either. He works for Helena Cassadine doing God knows what. But at least he is staying. He sleeps on my floor now, and we have fun. He keeps the monsters away, like my teddy bear Boris used to do when I was little. Lucky's cuter though, and he isn't missing an ear. I don't know about his fur though, I haven't checked. Ok, enough with the stupid stuff, you're lucky I'm writing with a pen, I can't erase what I just wrote!

What can I say, I've been in a good mood lately. I sleep well since Lucky's here. I tried to go to that rape survivor's group, but it is not for me. They aren't getting well, they just stay stuck in that dark place Lucky wouldn't let me go to. Nikolas saw me out of the room, and even though Lucky says he doesn't know, I'm sure he does. I don't know why, but Nikolas' smart, he probably figured it out. Now he'll tell the school, even though Lucky would kill him if he did.

We went to the park, to try and remember what happened, anything that I could tell the police. I remembered that the rapist said something to me, but I couldn't figure out why. I remembered today.

I was working at Kelly's, and I was a little jumpy so Lucky said he would hang around that afternoon and walk me home. I told him I used to be afraid of anything and now, when someone looked at me too long I was freaking, and he became upset, saying how he would strangle the guy if he ever put his hands on him and that made me nervous. I don't like to see Lucky upset, I don't like when he raise his voice. I start trembling and then I feel guilty because I know Lucky would rather die than to hurt me. We sat at a table, waiting for my shift to start, and we talked about that night, and he told me he was sitting at the counter, yapping away with Deannie, while Sarah went on and on about Nikolas, and he told me he talked to Chad Rendell when he walked in. He told me "If only he'd walked in a little earlier, I would've gotten to you in time" and I realized how guilty he felt about the rape. I told him that it was my fault, I had no business being in the park by myself so late at night, but he told me "I should've met you at the dance like we planned". He said he was sure we would've had a good time. And I think so too. I wanted to make him realize how much I was better than Sarah that night. That's when my shift started.

Bobbie talked to me about going back to the group, but I don't want to and that's it. Sarah walked in and sat with Lucky, and I felt this overwhelming case of jealousy warped over me, like it did all those months ago, but what could I do? If Lucky still liked Sarah and now that she was single again he wanted to pick up where they left off, what could I do? I'm not ready to have a boyfriend, I will never be, so I can't ask Lucky to stay alone for the rest of his life can I?

I was walking to the table when I saw Mr. Murty talking to Sarah and he said something that got me back to that night. He said "not another word" and I remembered what the rapist said to me that night in the park. He said "not a word".

That simply freaked me out, I swear. But this time, Lucky was there, behind me.

after she started her shift, aunt Bobbie talked to me a little, and then Sarah came and sat with me. She told me about how Nikolas dumped her, and she even gave me the permission to say "I told you so", but when someone says that, it means the person cares. I don't anymore. She asked me to find a way for her to make it up to me, and she took my hand. I don't know what she wanted, probably to fill the void Nikolas left in her life, but I wasn't interested anymore, so I took my hand from under hers, and but it somewhere she couldn't get it. I knew Elizabeth was probably going mad, but she didn't need to fear anything. Sarah was ancient history, I know now, and I've known for a while, that she isn't the Webber girl for me. She never was, and never will be again. I'm not saying I have romantic feelings for Elizabeth, far from it, but if I was to have romantic feelings for a Webber girl, it wouldn't be Sarah.

Mr. Murty said something to Sarah, and Elizabeth heard it. She freaked out, she said Murty used the same expression her rapist did that night in the park. Made me even more determined to catch that creep.