CHAPTER 6

I need to talk to someone, someone who won't look at me all sorry, I don't want pity. We are a couple of days after the Valentine's day dance, and I couldn't write sooner. I wasn't able to. I just couldn't face what had happened. I still don't know if I can, but I'll try. I have to let it out, somehow.

That night, I went to the movies and after that, I went to the park near Kelly's. I figured the dance was over and that Lucky was probably kissing Sarah goodnight, and I wanted to be alone to wallow in self-pity. I sat on the bench and there a guy grabbed me and raped me. I won't get into the details because I don't want to be thrown back into that night every time I'll read my diary. I was crawling out of the bushes, on my way to wherever I could just crawl up and die, when I heard someone talking to me. It was Lucky. I don't really remember exactly what happened, but I know he took me to his house and his aunt Bobbie examined me, because I didn't want to go to the hospital, or the police. She gave me the after pill, that way I know there are no chances of pregnancy. God, I don't think I could deal with being pregnant. I took a shower while Lucky went to get his aunt, and when I came back downstairs, the door opened and I completely freaked. It was Mr. Spencer. Lucky took me home that night, and he came back the next day to check up on me, but I couldn't even get out of bed.

Lucky's been helping me, a lot. Too bad it took something like that for him to finally noticed me. He keeps saying not to feel guilty, or ashamed, because I didn't do anything wrong, but I still can't believe him. If only I fought harder, screamed louder, or just, I don't know, bite him, maybe I could've got away. It just kills me, you know, it's eating me up inside. Lucky kept saying I had to talk to someone, tell Sarah and my grandmother, but I didn't want to, but I did, and Gram didn't seem to care.

Well, that's not true. She just want me to forget it happened, and I would if I could, but every time I talk about it, she backs out, and even though she says it's not my fault, I think, deep down, she thinks it is. She is always making me drink tea, or warm milk, but that isn't helping!

Sarah's been great, I know I can talk to her, but I'm not sure I want to. I mean, for the longest time, she didn't care about me, and now, because of the rape, she is worried about me and gives a damn about my feelings. I know she means well, but it's just wrong. I am thankful for what she is trying to do, I really am, but, I know we would still be at the same place, where she doesn't care, if I didn't go to the park that night.

Lucky's always around, and sometimes it gets on my nerves. He is angry, at the guy, and he wants so bad to help, but there isn't anything he can do, or say, to take back what happened. He kept pushing and pushing for me to tell my family, and at some point I just kicked him out. He took me out one night, and we had a pretty good time. He took my mind off of that night, when he told me how to eat ribs, and talked to me about a date he had that ate her pizza with a knife and a fork. He told me about his mom being raped, and how much he thought I was strong. He told me, like his mother, that I had fire and guts. I used to be that way, but I'm not anymore. I still don't know how he knows me so well, I mean, he knows how I think, how I act, what I feel, what I need. He is just amazing.

Bobbie took me to the doctor's the other day, for me to have an exam, I just got the results back. Lucky came with me to Mercy hospital to get them. I was so scared, that when I got out of the doctor's office, I just ran in his arms without thinking. The tests came back negative. I'm OK, but I guess I was more afraid than I thought.

God, I read back what I wrote, and I almost feel like it happened to someone else. It almost feel like I don't care. I think I'm still numb, about everything, I don't know how to think, how to act, what to feel. I think it hasn't sunk in yet. My body knows it happened though. I can't walk alone anymore, if someone looks at me too long, or touch me, I just jump out of my skin and I hate it. I used to be not afraid of anything and now, the slightest thing is terrifying me!

It just breaks my heart to see her like that, and I never cried about someone other than in my own family as I do for Elizabeth these days. I told my dad I would find the guy who did this to her, my way of making amends for breaking my promise to her that night. Elizabeth is a good friend, she makes me laugh, like no one else. She has guts, and she acts on it, more than she listens to her brain. She is so bad at hiding her feelings it's almost like she was being honest, but she isn't like that anymore. Now, she just don't talk, most of the time. But this time, I'm keeping my promise. I'll be there for her no matter what.

My father is exasperated with me. The only things I can talk about are Elizabeth and the rape. I'm always saying the same thing again, and again, and again. How I want to catch the jerk who did it, how I want him to rot in hell, how no man should walk away unpunished from that hideous crime. I just can't believe men are like that. I mean, I knew there was some creeps out there, but you always think it will happen to someone else. It did happen to someone else, someone who matters to me a lot, not that I would have admitted it before it happened. I don't know why I was too proud to admit Elizabeth was my friend. I mean, why was I such a scum? It took the worst night of her life for me to realize what a terrific person Elizabeth is, and that, is killing me. I took her on a "date" a couple of nights ago, after she got the negative results of her HIV test. I saw her laugh and relax for the first time since her rape, and I had missed that. We talked about all and nothing, just enjoying each other's company. The trust she has for me, letting me be close to her after what happened, means the world to me. She is jumpy with everyone but me. I'll give her back her faith in the world.

Lucky is just so sweet. Today he called me and asked me if I wanted to go see a movie with him. We just got home from school, and it seemed like he missed me or something. It's nice to know. I told him I didn't want to be caught in a dark theater on a sunny afternoon, but the truth was, I don't want to be in a dark room full of strangers. It terrifies me. I know nothing will happen to me as long as Lucky is near, but what if he has to go to the bathroom? What do I do then?

I think he understood, because he offered to bring the movie to me, and I accepted. I know he understood because I said I didn't want to stay "in" on a sunny afternoon, but we will since he would bring the movie here, and we would have to stay inside to watch it. Anyway, he showed up with a silent movie, yucky if you ask me. We made some popcorn, and we sat next to each other on the couch, but I fell asleep. I dreamed of that night again, and Lucky woke me up. I put up a fight with him, and I scratched him under his left eye. God, I feel awful for that. He told me he thought I put one hell of a fight that night, and he said he would take me upstairs and wait till I was asleep before he left. We talked for a while in my room, I was all tucked in. He talked about his little sister, Lulu, and I hope someday, someone loves me as much as he loves her, even if she is just his sister. My eyes were closing, so he told me to sleep. I said I could hear my mom saying "sleep tight, don't let the bedbugs bite" and he told me his says "dreams of Gold". I closed my eyes, and I heard him getting up, and he whispered "Dreams of gold" and I remember thinking "I will, since you are in my life"

She must have been so pretty at 3 years old. Not that she wasn't anymore, I told her when we went for her tests results, when she asked why a woman would stare at her, that she was pretty.

I called my mom, I needed to understand how she got over the rape by Stavros, but I couldn't bring myself to remind her of that, especially after she told me how happy she was. So I told her I loved her, and hung up. I miss my mother, I wish I could talk to her about what's going on in my mind. I have a feeling she would understand. For the first time in my life, I have the feeling mom would understand more than dad, and I don't know why.