CHAPTER 8

Lucky scared me half to death. He came to my house and told me he came to say goodbye. He tapped on the window and told me it was because he didn't want anyone to know he was here. He had backpacks, and he told me he didn't know where he was going. "Just away"

I asked him what happened and he said he couldn't. But he finally told me. My heart was broken when he told me one thing he wanted more than anything was the name of the guy who raped me. He said "But I got the consolation prize. The name of the man who raped my mom". I told him he already knew that, it was Stavros Cassadine. His eyes filled up with tears, and he took a deep breath and said "My dad". I didn't know what to say, what to do, so I said "How", and he said "What? How gross? How sick? How sickening? What?" and I answered "How sad, for you". I didn't know what to say, I felt so helpless, and, purely for selfish reasons, I didn't want him to go. He was my rock, my shore, my best friend. I told him he could stay here with me, in my room, but he didn't want to. He said he couldn't live off of my grandmother, and he didn't feel OK to lie to her and Sarah. But there's something my rapist didn't take away from me. My stubbornness.

I told him to come inside, I would show him the window, the one he could come in and out of. He was still hesitating, so I told him no one was home, and he followed me inside. The doorbell rang at that moment and it was Lucky's father. My heart was racing, and I had troubles swallowing. I am scared of men ever since I've been attacked, all men except Lucky, but to have an actual rapist in front of me, I was scared. Terrified. He told me that I would hear from Lucky really soon, and that he would really need a friend. Lucky came out from being me at that moment, and I told them I had to leave. Lucky went out and slammed the door. I don't know what he told his father, and I'm not sure I want to know.

Dad asked me how I found out, and I told him my brother Nikolas, who knows everything about my life before I do, told me. My father tried to make me understand what happened between him and my mother, that they were faithful and loved each other for 16 years, and how much they created order out of chaos, and that mom would say it's been a good life. Now how sick is that? He stood there and told me I didn't know what it does to a woman who is being raped. He told me what happened to Elizabeth and what happened to mom isn't the same thing. Please. Rape is rape no matter what you may feel about the person. I asked my father if mom had been kidnapped by the Cassadine, or rescued. Kinda makes you wonder, I said. And he left. He knew I was right.

I didn't want to crash at Elizabeth's house, just didn't feel right, so I slept in my aunt Bobbie's basement. When she found out, I asked her not to act like everything was normal. She told me I could stay there, but I didn't want to hear her defend him. She told me that what happened between my mother and father was complicated. She tried to make me believe that it was in the past, and since mom forgave her, It should be OK. I told her I would've liked to know before Nikolas threw it in my face. She stood there and told me that my father never claimed to be perfect, but I didn't think he was, I just wanted him to be honest. She scared me to death, when she said that when my father was my age, he knew he would never rape a woman, and he turned out to be wrong. What if I am like him? We reached an agreement, I would stay with her, but she wouldn't talk to me about my father. I guess I don't have to leave.

Lucky is so angry it is scaring me. I'm not scared of him, I'm scared for him. He was so happy, so close to his parents, I never seen anything like it before, and now, he says he hates them. I tried to make him go and talk to his father, to work things out, I don't want him to lose his family, I want him to understand that what happened to me and what happened to his mother isn't the same. Because if it was, his mother wouldn't have married him. He asked me why I was flying his father's banner, and I said I was flying his. And it's true. I don't care about his father, but I do care about Lucky, and I care about him a lot. And it is killing me to know what he is going through, and I finally understand the rage and desperation he felt when I was too angry and too ashamed to do anything about my rape. He stood there and watched me hurt and agonize, and now I'm doing the same, and I just want to do everything in my power to take that pain away from him. That's why I went to see his father.

I was terrified, I felt like I was going to be sick, but I had to do this. Lucky needed me, and I had to talk to his father. I still don't know why I went there, what I was hoping to accomplish. Luke told me he knew I knew, and he asked me if I was afraid of him, and I was honest. I told him I knew he wouldn't hurt me, but my guts were in knots. I told him I thought Lucky needed him, because he was in this weird place. He told me I had courage and grace, but I don't.

I saw a picture of Mrs. Spencer, and I always thought we looked alike. I asked Luke if there was something about me that made that guy think it was OK to do what he did to me, and he said that No, rape is about control, bending someone to your will because of what drives you, rage, desperation, obsession, and that it had very little to do with me. I may be sick, but I don't think that made me feel better.

Gram told me why she can't talk about my rape. It is not that she thinks it's my fault, or that I do anything to bring it on, but because she was raped when she was a little older than me. She was married to my uncle Tom's father, and he raped her. Back then, she had to keep quiet about it, so she thinks that this is still the way to go. I feel awful, I didn't know and there I was thinking all kind of mean stuff about my grandmother. She was pregnant from that night. Uncle Tom is a child of rape.

Once again, I'm the brat. I came back to my aunt Bobbie's place after I ran into the prince, and my father was there. We got into an argument about my mother and how he didn't tell her, probably because he was afraid it would stir all her mixed feelings and that she would leave him after she realized what he has done. Bobbie got mad, and my father told her he was OK. I told him one day I would pack up and leave for a place where he couldn't find me, and he basically told me that he would always barge in on my day, he would always know where I am and what I am doing, that he would always be in my face. Then, after he left, Bobbie lectured me about how my father and her were the adults and I had to respect them no matter what. She told me what happened between my OWN parents was none of my business. How is that none of my business? She told me either I was respectful to my father and her, or I could just leave.

I guess I have to say goodbye to Elizabeth for real this time. There is no way in hell I'm staying in Port Charles. I know my father will find me no matter where I go, but I wanna make it harder for him. So as soon as I said my "Adieu" to Elizabeth, I'm outta here. So long Port Charles.