A Cranky Holiday Special, Part Two
Chapter Three through Chapter Five

CHAPTER THREE: “In Which Our Heroine nearly has her Merry Merry Crankmas Ruined by Bad News.”
EXT: “JINGLE ALL THE WAY” FORUM – SOME KIND OF FESTIVE MALL PLACE
(The overall best holiday song given regular airplay most years, IMNSHO, blasts through the speakers of the Festive Mall Place. The Mad-Ness Monster skips along while singing and, so help her, imitating all the voices.)
NESS: “BUT sayah PRAY-YAH! / A pray-ah fo’ the OTHUH WA-ONE! / At Crank-mas-TIME! / It’s HAHD-DUH when yo’ HA-vin’ FUUUUUUUUN! / THEY-YAHS a WOURLD OWT-SAIDE YO’ WIN-DO! / Und it’s a world ov dred an’ fee-yuh…” {20}
(Nessie’s making her way towards the Halls of Justice. The former headquarters of the former Crankidestined is being temporarily connected to the former Cranky Brigade’s headquarters via something like a giant underground Habitrail. This is until everyone decides in which of the headquarters they’d rather quarter their heads.
The wee dragon’s mood is the kind of chipper where you can already tell that this chapter can only end in tears.)
NESS: (voiced, with rather frightening accuracy, by Drew Barrymore) “Crankmas McMothers’ O’Ween! My favorite day! It’s nearly time, it’s just hours away!!!” {21}
(An Evil Postman almost turns our heroine into Crankmas Road Pizza, but he is stopped just in time by a gigantic, buggy Pop-Up Ad falling on him.)
DIRECTOR: “There’s too much plot here already anyway.”
INT: “MYSTERY MEN” FORUM – YE HALLS OF JUSTICE
(Mad-Ness arrives to find the Halls decked us all with Boston Charlie; walla-walla-wash and Kalamazoo. [Anyone who gets THAT reference will earn my eternal love and respect forever.] {22} All of the Crankyland Supergroup is there together for the Very First Time!)
AUDIENCE: (in Geek Heaven) “Oooooooohhh!!!”
NESS: “Merry Happy Crazy Crankmas to everyone in the New Crankyland Supergroup!”
EVERYONE ELSE: (somewhat sadly) “Urrr…”
(Here’s where Ness made her awful mistake. You see, after ingesting WAAAAAY too many sugary toaster pastries in an attempt to calm his nerves, the Honorable Lord High Justice Wreck thought up a brilliant new name for the combined Heroes of Crankyland. So now, as a whole, the Crankyland Supergroup is henceforth known as…

The Assclown Stomping Society.)

WRECK: “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry!”
THE OTHER ASSCLOWN STOMPERS: “Why… why… why…?”
WRECK: “Uh, it’s not THAT bad… (right-quick attempt to save his own neck) Isn't 'Assclown' a fine, old word? I believe it is derived from two words in Olde Crankish. (the other Stompers look interested here, and Wreck's on a roll anyway, so he goes on) First 'aszcloe', which means 'a', and 'wynn', which means, 'vile and annoying little prick'. (the other Stompers consider this; after they do, the Wreck sees that he might just loose his head again) Um, hey, c’mon, no violence! It’s Crankmas McMother’s O’Ween!” {23}
(Suddenly, some music kicks in!)
WRECK: (he is now dressed in a Parca Claus costume!) “BWA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HAAAAA!!!! Oh, little Hot Rod, my little X-Monkey! Another great Crankmas! (pause) Naw, man it’s boring, it’s boring. Same thing every year. So let’s have a FUNKY Crankmas!”
(The cheesiest music ever written starts playing. The former Cranky Brigadiers are, well, a bit amused by this.)
VI: “Yes, I’ve heard tales of the Champions of the Clone Wars having a love of, well, the Odd.”
RED: (more matter-of-fact) “Hey! They're doin' another one of their cheesy Musical Number thingies!”
(The other former Crankidestined, on the other hand, react in varying shades of delight, confusion... and *fear*.)
WRECK: (is prolly gonna kick my ass when he figures out the reference, oh well >:) “Let’s go! Come on, come on! Haw-haw-haw-haw-haw! Haw-haw-haw!!! Have a Funky Bad-ass Crankmas! / Have a Funky Bad-ass Crankmas!!!”
NESS: (too enthusiastic) “EEEE! Another musical number!!!” {24}
WRECK: “CRANKYLAND!”
NESS: “Let’s… SH*T! Where’s my Rhyming Dictionary?!?”
WRECK: “It’s Crankmas time! / We’re gonna ce-le-brate it with a rhyme! / Kenny K. are you…”
KEN: (downright appalled, also scared and confused) “I am going to survive this entire Episode by willing myself into another damn alien sp**ge-induced hallucination. (pause) Hrm, I don’t know, MAYBE THE AUDIENCE SHOULD DO THE SAME THING?”
(They do. God only knows where the audience found *their* alien sp**ge. And I don’t want Him to tell me.) {25}
WRECK: (pause) “Uh… 'kay... Kenny K. are you ready?”
KEN: “Ye….eh…. No.”
WRECK: “Okay, whatever. STEADY!!!”
NESS: (WAY too enthused) “You KNOOOOOW Nessie’s ready!!!”
WRECK: “Whack-chick and… and Wulfgar 010… um…”
WULF010: “Eh, f**k ye all an’ yeer frooty song-an-dancin’! Barbarians DON’T DANCE! N’or du cots come t’think o’it.” {26}
WRECK: “Okay. Whatever. WE GOT A FUNKY CRANKMAS GOIN’ ON!!!”
(A chorus randomly joins the Crankizens.)
CHORUS: (agonizing falsettos) “Have a Funky Bad-ass Crankmas! / Have a Funky Bad-ass Crankmas!!!”
C.F.L.: “That’s it, I’m making popcorn and settin’ up some lawn chairs.”
WHACK: “Wow, I’m still in this? I mean! Funky, Funky Crankmas and a Funky New Year! / I swear, we got ourselves a party here! / Lot’s of kids on the floor know our posse’s at the door. / Should I stop? Naw, cool, here’s more! / Of this song, a Funky Cranky Me-lo-dee / Cause Whacky here feels Oh so Crank-mas-see! / Wave your hands in the air, PAUSE! / KICK THE BALLISTICS PARCA CLAUS!!!”
CHORUS: (agonizing falsettos) “Have a… uh… Cranky, Cranky Funkmas!”
WHACK: “Kick the ballistics?!?”
(One of the Great Unsolved Mysteries of the Universe is what the hell NKOTB meant when they said, “Kick the Ballistics”.)
CHORUS: (agonizing falsettos) “Have a Cranky, Cranky Funkmas!”
NESS: “Sneakin’ downstairs / on Crankmas Eve. / I saw me a sight you just wouldn’t believe! / Parca Claus by the fireplace! / Brushin’ off his beard with a frown on his face! / He said ‘Hey!’ / I said ‘What?’ / he said ‘you!’ / I said ‘what?’ / He said ‘you kept the fire goin’ and I burnt off my butt.’ / So now I’ve learned / you got to turn / the fireplace down / so Parca won’t get burned.”
(I couldn’t improve on that verse, so I essentially left it the way it was.)
CHORUS: (agonizing falsettos) “Have a Cranky, Funky, Bad-Ass! Have a Cranky, Funky, Bad-Ass!”
KEN: (hiding somewhere curled in the fetal position until It Goes Away) “…heeeellllp…”
(Damn. I feel mean now.)
CHORUS: (agonizing falsettos) “Have a Wacky, Funky Something-or-other! Have a Wacky, Funky Something-or-other!”
WRECK: “It’s CRANKYMAS!!! Can you swing this?!? / Funky dope jam the top on your Crankmas list? BO-YEEEEEE!!!!! / Do you dig this??? / Bwa-haw-haw! How can you be booin’ it? / What wit’ Wrecky-Claus doin’ it???”
(I don’t know but I’d guess this wasn’t the kind of thing brought up on the “Band of Brothers” set. How the hell could you resist though?)
MENDO: “Ohhhh, dude. I just had the most F*CKED up dream. Like, there was all this singin’ an’ dancin’ an…”
WULF010: (ominously) “That was NO DREAM!!!”
(But that matters not, for all the Assclowns are hugging now! Aww!!!)
AUDIENCE: “Ugh. Is this going to be a *hugging* story?”
WULF010: “Oche-ai, FARK ye huggin’!!! I’ve goot a STARRY t’tell ye!” {27}
NESS: “Ooh, a Crankmas Story!”
WULF010: “Now, if yer wonderin’ ‘ow I goot outa th’ Island mess, t’is on account o’aught Slater kid valiantly sacrificing ‘imself.”
(Mad-Ness’ brain explodes.)
NESS: “WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATTT?????????????”
(At the same time, Mendo is sitting there thinking, "wha?", Violet is chewing on her lower lip uncomfortably, and Ken's suddenly got a cheery twinkle in his eyetooth; maybe he will get to be Dominant Male now?)
WULF010: “Ayuh, Slater’s dead. Now, does aught make me the male lead now?”
KEN: “You assclown, I thought *I* was the Emergency Backup Male Lead?!?”
(Violet’s brain explodes.) {28}
RED: “Hey, guess what? We’re ALL Assclowns!”
WRECK: “No, no! We STOMP the assclowns! Hence, Assclown Stomping Socie…”
NESS: “EVERYBODY JUST SHUT THE HELL UP! THIS IS THE BIG DRAMATIC PART!!!” {29}
(But Nessie can’t take it anymore and she runs out the door screaming crying. She races down some hill singing the “Bright Eyes” song from that Watership Down movie. Then she realizes that she doesn’t know the words and ends up crying even harder. Cue the sad “ding-ding ding-ding ding-ding DING-ding” type Danny Elfman music.
Everybody wipe off those shit-eating grins, this part is SAD!!!) {30}
NESS: “WAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! (screeches to a halt in front of the Snow Goon from earlier) No, STOP IT! EVERYBODY STOP IT! Life’s getting too wishy-washy! *snif* A man’s Crankiness isn’t supposed to just End!”
(The Snow Goon has no answers.)
NESS: “Or friendships? Or loyalties? Or happiness? Happiness isn’t supposed to just End…”
SNOW GOON: “…”
NESS: “Gilda Radner isn’t supposed to end… (pauses) Do I even know who/what that is?”
SNOW GOON’S NUT-HATCH NOSE: “Prolly the government’s fault.”
(A light snow falls.)
NESS: “…we… We hardly *knew* ye…” {31}
(The title graphic reappears as the announcer is heard.)
ANNOUNCER: “Coming up on the ‘Crankyland Holiday Special’, Necromancy for Fun and Profit, the Slater Force, and a performance from Ken Kaminski you Bonehead!
BUT, more importantly, this is also going to be (fanfare) THE FIRST SCENE THAT LITTLE ROUND TOP IS IN!!!!!!!”



CHAPTER FOUR: “In Which we enjoy some Blasphemy for the Holidays!”
EXT: “JACK FROST” FORUM – SNOWY FOREST
(Cranky the Snowman shakes his head sadly.)
CRANKY: “Oh, poor Mad-Ness was having one heck of a hard time. Now, when I’m having a ‘Puce Crankmas’ if you will, heh, there’s nothing that cheers me up like spicing things up a little. And I don’t think there’s anything better to add to a holiday special than a few creepy occult-looking ceremonies! Let’s watch!”
INT: “DEAD MAN” FORUM – A PLACE THAT IS CREEPY AND OCCULT-LOOKING
(Crankyland’s resident necromancer massages his temples with his spidery little fingers.)
SPEAKER FOR DEAD: “MMmmmmmmmmm….. I’mmmmm gettinnnnng a…. AN S NAME!!!”
BOBO: “YES!!!!! IS SLATER OKAY?!?!?”
S4D: “Uh…”
(Suddenly the lights come up and we can clearly see that we’re in the studio of that popular talk show, “Crossing Over with Speaker for Dead”! The remaining members of Slater Force are in the studio audience.) {32}
S4D: “I didn’t say it was Slater… (he sees that the show’s producer is tapping his watch) Wait, no, yes I did! (goes back into ‘deep concentration’) Yesss… he says that he’s got unfinished business….”
BICKLE: “He wanted to rename the team ‘Bickle Force’ right before he died, right???”
S4D: “Uh, yes!”
(Meanwhile…)
EXT: “WHAT DREAMS MAY COME” FORUM – CRANKY HEAVEN
(Cranky Heaven is just like Disneyworld, but with more dead Crankizens in it.)
GHOST OF SLATER: “Holy f*cking monkey sh*t!!! No I didn’t!!!”
(Yes, they get cable in Cranky Heaven. In Cranky Hell they have nothing but old _Sweet Valley High_ books or something to entertain themselves.)
ANGELS: (smiling sweetly) “We request that our residents do not use such language. Thank you!”
SLATER: “Sorry. Say, I’ve got a question for the Guy Who Is In Charge of Dead Crankizens and Stuff.”
(The angels bow and leave to get Thanato§. When Thanato§ arrives, a little title card pops up to say…)
TITLE CARD: “Look, kids! Thanato§ is back!!!” {33}
THAN: “Err, yes. Whatever. (solemn again) What is your question my son?”
SLATER: (tearing up) “…Dad???…”
THAN: “FOR CRYIN’ OUT LOUD, I MEANT IT FIGURATIVELY! WHY DOES EVERYONE IN THIS STUPID STORY HAVE ISSUES WITH THEIR FATHERS???”
DIRECTOR: “Ya got me. My dad is the best. (goes over psyche notes again) Oh, wait, I’m supposed to have Issues with my mom. Even though I don’t.”
THAN: “Look, I’m a really minor character in this; even though about 75% of the characters in this fanfiction are dead, I don’t have a big speaking part. Now what is the question?”
SLATER: “I was just going to ask, do you not allow mind-f*c… err, messing around with the living up here?”
THAN: “Ha! Of course not! Wait, I mean we do allow it.”
SLATER: “Bwahaha…”
(Meanwhile…)
INT: “DEAD MAN” FORUM – “CROSSING OVER” STUDIO
S4D: “Slater is telling me that he…. Uh… Woah…”
(There is a pause, and suddenly Speaker is briefly aglow with a strange light. When he begins to speak again, his words have a great deal more authority!)
S4D: “You must bring him back! Go to where the guy who sells the ‘Complete Idiot’s Guide to Reincarnation Kit’ is!”
SLATER FORCE: (or, if you prefer, Bickle Force, or whatever) “Okay!”
(They leave. Speaker kind of stands around for a minute.)
S4D: “Umm, is that it for me?”
DIRECTOR: “Well, not unless you don’t mind being Parca Claus’s little minion guy?”
S4D: “Cool! Okay, sure, I’ll do it.”
(The Director is happy because she had no idea who to cast in that role anyway. Anyway, Slater Force walks around in the Dark and Scary blasted heath outside the studio.)
BOBO: “Sweet! All we have to do to get our de-facto leader back is buy the reincarnation kit from the guy who sells it.”
LUCIFER: “Yeah, well, there will probably be some kind of Goth-by-Numbers, Occult-ish ceremony we’ll have to perform.”
ALL: (randomly) “Happy Crankmas McMother’s O’Ween to all!”
(Suddenly a little fanfare plays, some clowns and cheerleaders and other random people parade in playing fun music, and everyone in this parade thing starts singing.) {34}
PARADE: “Make WAAAAY! / For Little Round Toooooop! / He’s in the story NOOOOOW!!!!!”
(The parade people march offscreen. There is now a little shop in front of Slater Force and Little Round Top is sitting behind the counter.)
SLATER FORCE: (entering the shop) “Um, hi.”
LRT: “Hello, the Slater Force. Look around, browse around, make yourself at home! As you see, I’ve got just about everything a man or animal or other random thing that can talk could want!”
BICKLE: “We were told you had the ‘Complete Idiot’s Guide to Reincarnation Kit’.”
LRT: “Oh, here! Let me show you this! I really love this! (he picks up a small box and shines it on his sleeve, then he decides it’s not nice enough or something) No. (he picks up another thing and decides it’s not good enough either) No. (this goes on for about twenty minutes and finally he finds a small box with a green base) Ah, here we are! The brand new pocket-sized deer tick farm! Yes, you can take your pet ticks with you everywhere! And it’s a snap to clean!”
BICKLE: “I HATES external parasites.”
GWEN: “Err, can we just buy the reincarnation kit?”
LRT: “Oh. (disappointed, he hands Bad Gwendle one of the boxes that was unfit for Bickle for some reason) Here.”
GWEN: “Uh…”
LRT: “What’s a matter? Don’t you like it?”
GWEN: “Well, this is just a groomer.”
LRT: “JUST a GROOMER?!?”
GWEN: “A groomer.”
AUDIENCE: “I know! Take a sip anytime they say ‘groomer’! That’ll make this scene half-tolerable!” {35}
LRT: (pouring himself a glass of evil mutant Czech booze) “My dear woman, evidently you haven’t read the instructions, the warranty, and the guarantee. Besides shaving and hair trimming, this groomer (sip) is guaranteed to lift stains off clothing, faces, other groomers (sip) and hands. Cleans teeth, fingers and toenails; buffs scales, straightens antennae, and preens feathers. Washes eyes, pierces ears; it calculates and modulates and syncopates. It can communicate with other groomers (sip) and speak groomer-ish (sip) with otherrr groomerszz (sip) but the lil’ bastahd ‘vent-ly learnszz Englisss… *hic* Ah, its can repeats all vivtee-szevin vol-yoomsz o’th’Internut… Ha ha ha ha ha!!! Inner-nets Code Thing… Oh yeah, an’ it can Raise th’ Dead!!!”
GWEN: “Fine. We’ll take it.”
LRT: “Rrrr yagunna TRADE furrit?”
GWEN: (herding the rest of Slater Force the hell out of the shop) “What? What? Oops, I’m sorry, didn’t hear you! Bye bye bye! BYE BYE!!!”
LRT: (apparently to some imaginary or extradimensional beings) “Azza f**ckin’ LOAD offa my MIND. Thought I’da EMBARISSSZ ‘emm ifin’ I told ‘em it wuz a GIFT! I jus’ said ‘at… just a groomer… (sip)…”
(Little Round Top passes out under the booth, and for a while all we hear is his snoring. BUT I PROMISE HE WILL RETURN LATER AND DO SOMETHING MORE IMPORTANT!!! Maybe.)
EXT: “DEAD MAN” FORUM – GRAVEYARD {36}
(The Slater Force kicks off the holiday season by doing a creepy Occult-ish ceremony at Slater’s grave. Bad Gwendle wears some deer blood like warpaint. Bickle holds a suspiciously human-looking arm bone in his teeth. Lucifer G. 61… is a demon, so any scary accouterments would just be redundant. And Bobo, the kawii little Mouse Lemur… is a primate the size of a hamster, which is kind of disturbing, so he doesn’t have anything scary to wear either.
Bad Gwendle begins the reincarnation spell!) {37}
GWEN: “Nibby nib nubby! Nibby nobby nubby! / Gliddy Gloob Glooby! Nibby nobby nubby! / Glibby gloob glooby! Nibby nobby nubby! Take it, Travis.”
BICKLE: (rolls eyes) “Ahem. Yibby-doo-dibby! Dibby-doo-biddy yadda yadda! / Nibby nibby nibby! Glibby globby glooby!!!”
(There is a sound! We pan down until we’re inside the giant shoe box with Slater’s dead body! {38}
Wait, he evaporated didn’t he? There shouldn’t be a body then. Well, tough sh*t, there’s a body now!
Meanwhile, on the surface…)
LUCIFER: “Subba-sibba-sabba! Subba-sibba-sabba! Ho-ho, yo-yo! / Oobie-flobba-noobie! Oobie-flobba-noobie! La-la-la low-low!”
BOBO: “Nitty-bloop-bloopie! Wam-alama-looby! Sha-la-la-la-la-low! / Ingy-bingy-booby! Boobies-boobies-boobies! (Bickle kicks him in the head cause he just said the words wrong! Oh sh*t!) OW! Uh, la-la-la-la-low!”
ALL: (holding hands to say the most powerful words of all) “Ippy moopie wah-wah! Dinky soapy Dada!!!”
(You know, it’s too bad there’s not another team of Crankizens taping all of this, cause it’s pretty damn priceless.
Oh, wait, yes there is.) {39}
KEN: (having a REALLY hard time keeping the camcorder steady) “AH-HAHAHA HAHAHA HAHAHA HAHAHA HAHAHA HAHAHA HAHAHA HAHAHA HAHAHA HAHAHA… (weakly) *help*… HAHAHA HAHAHA HAHAHA HAHAHA HAHAHA HAHAHA HAHAHA!!! !!! !!! !!! !!! !!!”
NESS: “Dude! This is pretty f*cked up right here!”
C.F.L.: “What do you think they’re doing? It think it might be some kind of Performance Art.”
MENDO: “Aw, man, let’s ask those five flamingoes playin’ the bagpipes.”
RED: “What flamingoes? Ah, jeez, man, yer not trippin’ again are you?” 40
PSEU: “Hmmm, I keep getting the feeling that this is a Gaping Plot Hole.”
WRECK: “Ah, maybe a little. (pause) What?”
WULF010: “Oche-ai, we should ausk those Random Zombie Biker Guys.”
VI: “That’s IT! You’re all just hallucinating! There are no Random Zombie Biker Guys! (pause) Oh, sh*t, yes there are. RUN!!!!!”
(The Random Zombie Biker Guys chase the… ugh… Assclown Stomping Society [it’s something like that, that; I’m too lazy to go back and look] all over the cemetery. The A.S.S. –oh, great; the acronym’s not any better- get away but the Zombie Guys ruin the Slater resurrection ceremony!
Gawr, and this is only the Fourth Chapter!!!) {41}
SLATER FORCE: “Oh, sh*t!!!”
(Slater Force beats up the Zombies and gets the hell out of there. Meanwhile, something interesting happens thanks to the Zombies ruining the spell. Slater’s corpse that shouldn’t exist anyway as he evaporated does NOT come back to life.
Instead…)
EXT: “SNOW DAY” FORUM – SNOWY HILL
(There is a Deranged Mutant Snow Goon smiling down at Crankyland from the crest of the hill. A deer walks up to it to gnaw on one of the arms that is really an antler. He and the Snow Goon are suddenly surrounded by a beautiful whirlwind. The buck isn’t fazed by this because he’s completely preoccupied with gnawing on the antler. Man, it was probably one of his own antlers that he shed earlier this year and now he’s eating it. That’s disgusting! Stupid deer. {42}
Well, the deer is quite surprised when the antler swings up and slaps him!)
DEER: “HUFFF???”
(The Snow Goon is MOVING! It blinks it’s eyes all randomly placed all over it’s body and speaks in a strangely familiar voice that causes the deer to race away in terror.)
SLATER THE SNOW GOON: “I’m home!”
(The title graphic reappears as the announcer is heard.)
ANNOUNCER: “Coming up on the ‘Crankyland Holiday Special’, a Special visit to Parca Clauss’ enchanted Kingdom of Darkness and a Special performance from Kenny and the Jets! {43} Cause you are all Special People!”
RETARD: “YAAAAAY!!!!!!!!”



CHAPTER FIVE: “In Which, Last Night, I Saw Parca Claus” {44}
CRANKY: “Heh, heh, heh. Well, what do you all think of Slater being an undead talking snowman? I think, ‘ACK! Join de CLUB!’ Anyway, I think Parca Claus is going to have…
“What’s that? Parca Claus? Do you stupid little punks mean to tell me that you DON’T KNOW who Parca Claus is?
“Well, then. I suppose I ought to explain. You see, away up in space; far, far away, up in the sky above Crankyland, there is a beautiful gold and crystal palace.”
EXT: “THE GRINCH” FORUM – ENCHANTED KINGDOM OF DARKNESS
(We pan up to this palace in the sky as Cranky the Snowman continues. We see a large, rather ominous figure in a blood red suit standing on the largest balcony.)
CRANKY: “In this magical palace in the sky, lives the kindest and jolliest creature in Crankyland. He is the incarnation of the Spirit of Crankmas McMother’s O’Ween itself, born in his present state! He has existed since the first cracking of doom (or something like that), and will live on until the last trumpet sounds! {45}
“(bathed in red lighting and ominous as hell) And they call him Parca Clauuuuuuuuuus!”
PARCA: (sounding more like a “mellerdrama” villain tying the hero’s girlfriend to the train tracks) “AAAAAH!!! HAW HAW HAW HAW HAW!!!!!!!!!!!!”
(Parca Claus enters his palace singing a happy tune.)
PARCA: (possibly *trying* to send the kids into years of therapy) “La-la-LA! La-la-LA! La-la-la-LA-la-LAAAAAAA!!!!!!!”
(He passes through a doorway next to a large barrel organ helpfully labeled “Toy Land”. Toy Land, as it turns out, is where Parca Claus’s minions make the toys. Remember those flying monkey we met in the very beginning, if you were paying attention? The ones called X-Monkeys? Well, Parca's minions are cute little X-Monkey elves. They are chained up and their wings are clipped. They will be making toys FOREVER!)
X-MONKEYS: (singing “cheerfully” once Parca enters) “Uh… Iiiiiit’s aaaaaa DIF-I-cult response-a-bil-I-teeeeeeee! / When you’re taking orders from ol’ Parca Ceeeeeeeee! / He demands of us the high-est qual-I-teeeeeeeee! / We make the gifts that come from Parca Ceeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!” {46}
DIRECTOR: “I am still looking for my rhyming dictionary.”
PARCA: “SILENCE!!!!!”
DIRECTOR: “…yessir…”
PARCA: “AAAAAAHHHHH-HAW-HAW-HAW-HAW-HAA AAA AAA AAA !!! !!! !!! !!! !!! !!! !!! !!!”
(Parca Claus sits at the barrel organ and makes the monkeys dance. This is their “break”. Hmm, kinda reminds me of the print shop I used to work at [long, sad story; don’t even ask].) {47}
X-MONKEYS: (nervous grins) “Yay! We LOVE to dance!!! It’s GOOD that you’re making us dance! It’s very very GOOD!!!” {48}
PARCA: “HAW HAW HAW! DANCE my pretty monkeys!!!!!”
AUDIENCE: “Okay, this is SERIOUSLY f*cked up.”
PARCA: “SILENCE!!!!!”
AUDIENCE: “…yessir…”
(The most disturbing organ recital this side of “Phantom of the Opera” is interrupted when his most trusted minion arrives. It’s Speaker for Dead, and, for some reason, he is dressed in a serape and a sombrero. He is also flanked by two giant living Annalee dolls.)
S4D: “Parca Claus! Something is happening on Planet Cranky, or whatever, that you MUST know about! The children are doing EVIL!!!”
(Dunt-dunt-DAAA AAAA AAAA AAAA AAAA AHHH HHHH H!!! !!!! !!!! !!!! !!!! !!!! !!!)
PARCA: “Well, well, well! We must watch them through my Orwellian Devices of Darkness!”
(Parca and Speaker and the giant dolls enter the Orwellian Devices of Darkness room, where they will spy on the children. The spying machines look, as a matter of fact, similar to the surveillance devices in the Cranky Brigade Headquarters. Except that they were built by the same people who designed the sets in the underrated movie, “Toys”.
Imagine Willy Wonka’s factory on MORE acid and you have the idea.)
PARCA: (activating a machine that resembles the electroshock therapy device from the also underrated “Return to OZ”) “Ancient Spying Device of Evil! / Seek out the children who are being Bad at Crankmastime! / Be they hiding in a cave / or behind a million mountains!”
SPYING DEVICE: (like Funzo) “Aaaaawllllll RIGHTY!”
EXT: “JINGLE ALL THE WAY” FORUM – FESTIVE MALL PLACE
(From outside the Enchanted Kingdom of Darkness, a really long telescope snakes down to spy on the bad children. They are in the mall from earlier. And the Evil Thing that they are doing is this:)
MICHAEL BOLTON: (singing over the loudspeaker; and so help me, I do NOT think he gets the irony here) “IIIIIIII’m DREEE-eh-MEEE-eh-ING! (dramatic gasp) of a WHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITE (another dramatic gasp) *CRANK*-MAAAAAAS! / (hyperdramatic gasp) WIIIIITH EVEREEEEEEEEEE *CRANK*-MAAAAAAS CARD I WRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITE!”
(The bad children tear down the loudspeaker and stomp it with their boots. Yah! Go, bad kids!!!)
BAD KIDS: “Ha ha ha! Take THAT you sentient loaf of Wonder Bread!”
(A policeman walks up to them.)
BAD KIDS: “Uh-oh. It’s the security guard. We’re busted.”
(Bummer. Uh, I mean, that’s not really the mall security guard. It’s none other than Parca Claus in disguise!) PARCA: “MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!! Hey you kids (points at them) CUT THAT OUT!!!” {49}
(The bad kids are scarred for life.)
BAD KIDS: (running away for dear life) “AAAA AAAA AAII IIII IIII IIII IIII IIII IIII IIII IIII III! !!!! !!!! !!!! !!!! !!!! !!!! !!!! !!!! !!!! !!!! !!!”
PARCA: “HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!!”
(Parca Claus returns to the Kingdom of Darkness [I came up with several ways how, and, trust me, you don’t want me to describe ANY of them]. Meanwhile, Grundie peers out from behind a tree.)
GRUNDIE: “Curses. Well, then, I will have to go with Plan B. Ha ha ha ha ha.”
(Grundie stalks away to a creepy cave in a swamp where he’s made his hideout.)
INT: “JEEPERS CREEPERS” FORUM – CREEPY CAVE IN A SCARY SWAMP
(From now on, let’s call this cave [snicker snicker] Grundle-Land.) {50}
GRUNDIE: “I don’t understand you. You think that is funny. I don’t understand why you think the name ‘Grundle-Land’ is inherently funny. What is this ‘Grundle-Land’ and why is it so funny?”
(Some weird but friendly little trolls appear out of nowhere.)
GRUNDLE TROLLS: (crying cause their old home got destroyed by a bad witch) “Ohhhhhhh, Grundle-Land! We miss it!!!”
GRUNDIE: “Silence. Stop crying. That’s not funny, it’s just weird. Why does the director keep referencing girly-girl 80s cartoons? Why does she not do anything with Looney Tunes?”
(Because the fact that the only other raging Looney Tunes fan besides me in Crankyland is this… this *thing* makes me twitch.
And, with that said, let’s leave Grundle-Land and visit the cool place it just so happens to be on the border of.)
EXT: “NEXT STOP, WONDERLAND” FORUM – TULGEY WOOD
(The Creepy Swamp is right on the border of the Tulgey Wood. There, in among the copses of TumTum trees, there is a cave. And in that cave, there lives a creature.
A creature that should not have had to wait so long to appear in this, but what the hell.
Something has disturbed his yearly hibernation. He stirs, yawns, throws on a big cloak, and tends to an odd, spherical device in his main room.
With a gesture the device spins wildly, crackling with psychic energy, and eventually forming images within.
It’s attendant looks into the device with eyes glowing with fear.) {51}
CREATURE: “Sweet, merciful crap!?!”
(The title graphic reappears as the announcer is heard.)
ANNOUNCER: “Coming up on the ‘Crankyland Holiday Special’, the Slothrop family, MORE Little Round Top, and a performance from Ken Kaminski and the {enter humorous name for his band here}!” {52}



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