A Cranky Holiday Special, Part One
Prologue through Chapter Two


PROLOGUE
(A little psychedelic logo swirls around to the beat of some smokin’ bongos!)
LOGO: “A Cranky B. S. Special!!!” {1}
(Lots of badly drawn snow flies through the air over a wintry scene to the tune of the opening of the Waitress’ “Christmas Rapping” [I don’t know, I just like that song]. The song continues as we pan over a snowy little backwater Internet message board, and when the beat kicks in, the subtitle, in red-and-green Gothic-looking type festooned with holly and such, appears.)
EPISODE SUBTITLE: “Episode Four: Away in a Hot Rod! (Or, the Second Obligatory Cheesy Holiday-Themed Part!)”
(We pan along the snowy forests of Crankyland until we see a huge sleigh packed [literally] to the gills with about a zillion different water animals, mostly dragony-types. Yup, it’s the Mad-Ness Monster’s approximately fifty zillion friends and relatives, and they’re all off to the Place where their Big Holiday Bash is.) {2}
CLAN MADNESS: (not to break character, but the irony is not lost on me >:) “It’s Crankmas McMother’s O’Ween! / The party’s the place to be seen! / We’re all on our way! / In an overstuffed sleigh! / Hope nobody needs Dramamine!” {3}
(As the sleigh [which, come to think of it, isn’t being pulled by anything; it’s a Horse-less Sleigh; either that or it’s pulled by whatever was pulling the carriage at the end of Disney’s “Robin Hood”] {4} passes by, we pan over to a smiling snowman guy in a vest. He looks mostly like a normal snowman, except that his head is purple frowney-face.) {5}
CRANKY THE SNOWMAN: “Heh heh. Well, dear readers, it’s the holiday season here in Crankyland. And so, moms and dads, boys and girls, dogs and cats, welcome to the Crankyland Holiday Special!!!” {6}
(Cranky The Snowman is knocked over by the Opening Titles, which appear over a field of pretty stars. Cranky shakes his little mitten fist at them.)
OPENING TITLES: “THE CRANKYLAND HOLIDAY SPECIAL!” {7}
ANNOUNCER: “Starring a bunch of random people who all met on some little message board, allegedly about movies, on the Internet! Including the Cranky Brigade! (a clip is shown of the Brigadiers at last years’ Holiday Special helping some orphaned clones bake Crankmas cookies) The Crankydestined! (a clip is shown of the Crankydestined barfing egg nog on some flying monkey butlers [X-monkeys, for future reference] dressed as elves) What’s left of Slater Force! Um... maybe! (a clip is shown of the Force dancing in the Scary Cave) Some other people I can’t think of just now! (a clip is shown of a bunch of random Crankizens standing around doing nothing) And the Mad-Ness Monster’s fifty zillion friends and relatives! (a clip is shown of everybody trying to crowd into the shot)
“With extra special guests and musical performances! Including Little Round Top! (a clip of him with Slater Force is shown) Speaker for Dead! (a clip of him in some kind of studio is shown) Ken Kaminski and the Lords of the Underworld! (a clip of Ken and his band barfing more egg nog on other X-Monkey elves is shown) Charo, Mr. T., and the New Kids on the Block! (a “broken graphic” icon is shown with a title card saying “might not really be appearing in this special”) A special animated Crankyland story! (a clip from the cartoon part is shown) And, of course, the man of the day himself, Parca Claus!!! (a clip of Parca Mortem’s seasonal incarnation riding around in his Sleigh O’Darkness is shown)
“All coming up in… THE CRANKYLAND HOLIDAY SPECIAL!!!”
(A commercial starts.)
DIFFERENT ANNOUNCER: “Brought to you by, Crap. Crap! It’s what’s for dinner!” {8}



CHAPTER ONE: “In Which we Witness the Initial Stomping of Assclowns.”{9}
EXT: “SNOW DAY” FORUM – SNOWY HILL
(The Retard in the Theater builds a snowman on the hill.)
STEVIE NICKS: “Well AH bin / FRAID ov / CHAAAAN-GIZZ buddah / still geddinovah / yoo…” {10}
RETARD: (Voiced by Bobcat Goldthwait!) “HEY MAAAN!!!!!”
(It’s the best snowman ever!
Well, to be more precise, the technical term for what he has built here is Deranged Mutant Snow Goon.) {11}
RETARD: “Dat izz GOOOD!!!!!” {12}
(Retard smiles at the Snow Goon’s two smiling faces.
The Snow Goon’s eight randomly placed eyes gaze out over the lovely snowy landscape. His three arms, one of which actually looks more like an antler sticking out of his right head, look ready to embrace Crankyland. The Nut-Hatch stuffed backwards into his left head to be a nose squeaks merrily.
The Retard loves the Snow Goon. He’s so proud of it; he wets himself with joy.
And neither he, nor his creation notices the approach of the trolls.) {13}
TROLL 1: “Blah!”
TROLL 2: “Bluh!”
RETARD: “AAAAAAhhhhh?! Yipper-dooo?”
(The Retard in the Theater is scared. Mostly because he is not currently in the nice, safe theater but is instead in the Scary Outdoors. Fortunately, somebody is about to rescue him!)
SOMEBODY: (from above) “Snooty-booty-booties!!!???!!! (dives in) AIIIII-YAAAA AAAAA AAAAA AAAHH HHHHH HH!!! !!!!! !!!!! !!!!! !!!!! !!!!!”
TROLL 1: “Blah!”
TROLL 2: “Bluh!”
NICK-THE-PSYCHIC-CHICKEN/CYCLOPS: “B’Kerk?”
RETARD: “Fish! Fish! Fish! Yay!”
(As an aside, I have to wonder if the Retard is the only non-Crankizen entity to leave THIS huge an impact on this website.
Well, anyhow, the Crankizen who is Saving the Retard by Stomping the Trolls and thus Wrecking their Boots [if, that is, they are smart enough to be wearing boots in all this snow] is, well, saving the Retard by stomping the trolls, thus wrecking their boots [if they are wearing boots].) {14}
SOMEBODY: “Ugh! Damn, this Episode sucks already. Why’d I wanna be the star of this one anyway?”
DIRECTOR: “Duh. It’s the Holiday Episode.”
SOMEBODY: “Oh.”
(The last thing that the last Troll sees is a dark shape blotting out the sun. The Retard’s savior is leaping through the air as in a super-cheesy episode of “Power Rangers”. Their legs are drawn up into their [gender neutral possessive pronouns get annoying after a while don’t they?] body, like a falcon diving at a pigeon, putting all their weight behind…
The Final Stomp!)
SOMEBODY: “YEEEE EEEEE EEEEE EEEEE -AAAA AHHHH !!!!! !!!!! !!!!! !!!!! !!!!! !!!!”
(The Retard gets to hear an awful, gelatinous popping sound.) {15}
RETARD: “Icky-poo! Yippee-doo-dippy!”
(The Retard runs out from behind his now brain-decorated Snow Goon. He stares at his rescuer in complete awe. The rays of the setting sun stream through the trees, backlighting our mystery critter dramatically. With a great exhalation of steam, she gazes at the dead Troll with complete impunity as she says…)
SOMEBODY: “Thus, another Assclown has been Stomped!”
(And, as soon as the Mad-Ness Monster says those words, she realizes how terminally cheesy they sound.)
NESS: (shuddering) “Uhhh…”
RETARD: “Fish???”
(The title graphic reappears as the announcer is heard.)
ANNOUNCER: “Coming up on the ‘Crankyland Holiday Special’, Evil Beings, the Answer to what has happened to Grundle and X-Man, and a performance from Ken Kaminski and the Kaminettes!”



CHAPTER TWO: “In Which an Evil Plan is Set into Motion!”
INT: “LOST SOULS” FORUM – CRANKYLAND HELL
(The Lovecraftian Horrors and their college buddies from the Lake of Demons are dancing around with Satan’s New Evil Minions that she made out of Grundle and X-Man.
See, I promised we’d get to this subplot by Christmas and, well, here we are!
The Grundle Minion is arguably the less hideous of the two. That's really saying something about the X-Man Minion, because the Grundle Minion is pretty horrible. He is a large, puffy, bloated creature that looks like a gigantic evil stuffed animal version of that dragon character from some Atari game that probably does not exist. {16} He is a nasty shade of puke-green with a red-purple belly and his skin is dotted with tiny red-purple zits. His new name is Grundie.)
GRUNDIE: “Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho!!! Children, play with me! Then DO AS I COMMAND!!!!! MWAHAHAHAHA!!!!!”
(Now, dear readers, you are all so smart that I probably don’t have to tell you that, earlier in the story, Grundie went to the Internet Senate Meeting in disguise as that Evil Stranger and hypnotized all the good guys. He made them ignore him when he goes to take over Crankyland. Surely you remember all of this.
The X-Man Minion, as I said, is WAY too horrible to describe so early in the game here, so let’s watch as Satan tells Grundie how to go about ruining Crankmas McMothers’ O’Ween.
I still can’t get over the fact that I’m writing a story in which phrases like that are being used in context.)
SATAN: (has switched to her Sheena the Jungle Queen outfit, complete with a very frightened python) “Bwahahahaha!!! We’ll have Crankyland in our evil grasp by New Years’ Eve! I have the Perfect Evil Plan!”
GRUNDIE: (puts on some blue lipstick in an attempt to sound Evil) “Whaooooot iiiiiissssssss yoooooouuuuur WEEEEEEEESH my Daaaaaooooooorrk Laaaaawwwwwd?” {17}
SATAN: “You must (dramatic pause) RUIN CRANKMAS MCMOTHERS’ O’WEEN!!!!”
(Scary-ass music plays really loud on the soundtrack!)
GRUNDIE: “Yes, my Dark Master who is also Evil! But how shall I do that?”
(Satan pauses to slather on some more lip gloss before she goes into her Evil Plan.)
SATAN: “You must make all the creatures of Crankyland do EVIL!!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!”
(Grundie thinks about this for a minute.)
GRUNDIE: “Hmmm, that means I will have to sway the well over twenty percent of Crankyland that isn’t already doing Evil. But, okay.”
SATAN: “And then, on Crankmas Eve, you will go out and you will (dramatic as hell) KILL PARCA CLAUS!!!!!!” {18}
GRUNDIE: “I will take great pleasure in destroying the jolly incarnation of the Crankyland holiday spirit! AH-HAHA HAHA HAHA HAHA HAHA HA!!! !!!”
(Satan makes an observation.)
SATAN: “Hmm. How many variations on the Evil Laugh have we gone through in this chapter alone?”
GRUNDIE: “Three I think.”
SATAN: “Really? Oh well. (back to overacting again) Now, my Minion, if you fail you will be punished! Instead of red-hot coals, you will be force-fed (hyper-dramatic zoom-in) CHOCOLATE ICE-CREAM SUNDAES!!!”
(Dunt-dunt-DAAAA AAAAA AAAAA AAAA! !!!!! !!!!! !!!!! !!!!! !!!!! !!!!! !!!)
GRUNDIE: “NOOOOO!!! No, oh, Mistress of Evil! Not THAT?!? Frozen meals are bad for my delicate digestion!”
SATAN: “Then GO! Go RIGHT NOW! And DESTROY PARCA CLAUS!!!!!”
GRUNDIE: “Yes, I promise that by my wiles I WILL FINISH PARCA CLAUS OFF *FOREVER*!!!!! And I will see that the Crankizens commit TERRIBLE DEEDS which will make Parca Claus VERY VERY ANGRY!!!!! HAHAHA HAHAHA HAHAHA!!! !!! !!!”
AUDIENCE: “Uh, are you going to do those things in THAT order, cause there’s kind of a raging logistical problem there.”
(Grundie heads up to the surface of Planet Cranky [or whatever] on the Elevator From Hell [which is also used by Some Tiny Software Company] {19}, as Satan gives her final instructions.)
SATAN: “Go up then, and show Crankyland who is it’s Real Master!”
AUDIENCE: “So Crankyland’s master ISN’T Parca Mortem? And by killing one of his alternate characters nobody would *think* he was? Huh?”
SATAN: “SILENCE!!!”
AUDIENCE: (shrinking back) “Yes m’am.”
SATAN: “MU-WAHAHA HAHAHA HAHAHA!!! !!! That makes four, FOUR kinds of Evil Laughs! AH-AH-AH!”
(The title graphic reappears as the announcer is heard.)
ANNOUNCER: “Coming up on the ‘Crankyland Holiday Special’, the Assclown Stomping Society’s First Big Adventure! Also, Implicate Dead Bunnies, and a performance from Ken Kaminski and the Triwizard Tourney!”



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