A Cranky Holiday Special, Part Four
The Innard-Stirring Finale!


CHAPTER NINE: “In Which Parca Claus brings an Enchanted Crankmas!” {84}
INT: “THE GRINCH” FORUM – ENCHANTED KINGDOM OF DARKNESS
(Speaker for Dead watches the children of Crankyland through the Orwellian Devices of Darkness. But all the children are asleep. How can he tell if they are being good or bad?)
S4D: “Easy! I just use the magical Dreamscope! Even in sleep you cannot escape the eyes of the all-knowing Parca Claus!”
AUDIENCE: “EEK!”
PARCA: “AAAAAAA AAAAAAA AH-HAHA HAHAHAHA HAHAHAHA HAHAHA!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!”
S4D: “Your Equipment of Darkness is ready my dark master!”
PARCA: “Good! Let’s see here. The Enchanted Roll of Duct Tape. The Fun Toys that Distract Children so that the Adults can go off somewhere and… uh… act on those Prehistoric Urges. The Magical Clippers of Darkness that will enable me to give the lucky Chosen Crankizen his Good-Luck Crankmas Mullet. And, for the worst Crankizen, the bag of Magical Crankmas Rabid Opossums!”
(I am not high right now. I dearly wish I was.) {85}
S4D: “I’ll pack the Sleigh of Darkness!”
(He walks over to a big lever and pulls it down. A massive door opens nearby, revealing a gigantic… I guess you could call it a sleigh. It looks more like something that’d make H.R.Giger flip out.
Now, speaking of Giger, I got two great suggestions as to what should pull Parca Claus’ sleigh. I couldn’t decide between them so I combined them. {86}
Speaker for Dead sets up the reigns on the sleigh, then goes over to a cage. He unlocks the door, mindful of the terrifying hissing behind it, and brings out…
Burly Alien Gauchos.)
ALIENS: “Hhhhhhsss sssssssss ssssssss sssssssss!!!!!! La Cucaracha, la cucaracha…”
PARCA: “HAHAHA HAHAHA HAHAHA HAHAHA HAHAHA HAHA!!!!!!! !!!!!!! !!!!!!! !!!!! I’ve really got to hurry! The Crystal Clock is about to strike fifteen!”
S4D: (hitching the alien gauchos to the Sleigh) “Don’t forget to return to the Enchanted Kingdom of Darkness ahead of the sunrise, for the sun will turn the Alien Gauchos to dust!”
PARCA: “HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! “No sirree, no! I’ll be back before dawn! I don’t want to get stranded on Planet Cranky, or whatever, as on what they eat for food I’d perish!”
S4D: “Our foods are sweet pastries and ice cream made of soft raindrops, fluffy clouds, and other peoples’ souls! And on Planet Cranky, there’s no such things!”
PARCA: “I must be off right now! Ready the Sleigh, get the monkeys to pack the toys, and prepare the Annual Sacrificial Victim!”
(Later on, Parca Claus’ Sleigh of Darkness is ready to go. Parca sings a merry tune while the monkeys pack the Sleigh.) {87}
PARCA: “Hurry up my monkeys! / Hurry with the packing! / Tonight’s the night when I go / on my yearly rampage!”
MONKEYS: “He is such a good guy / that ol’ Parca Claus! / If you’ve got a Mullet on Crankmas morn / that means he was in your house!”
S4D: “Pack the Sleigh of Darkness! / Presents for the kids! / If you monkeys do not hurry / what a feast the Aliens will have!”
ALL: “Merry, merry Crankmas! / We are having such fun! / Now a very special child / will start the killing spree!”
(Just so you know, it’s wikkid late at night as I type this part. I should probably go to bed.
Actually, I’m too scared now. I can’t think of why.
A woman dressed like an opera diva is lead, blindfolded, into the room by the Evil Giant Annalee Dolls.)
QUESTER X: (she sings every line, like that scary chef dude on “Mr. Rogers”) “This is a fraternity prank isn’t it?” {88}
GIANT DOLLS: “Tee-hee-hee!!!”
(Quester is placed in front of the Evil Queen Gaucho Alien.)
QUESTER: “You’re going to take all my clothes and leave me wearing naught but my cool Viking helmet somewhere outside Albuquerque!”
(The dolls remove her blindfold. Quester X opens her eyes and there’s the Alien Queen and her rows and rows of needle-sharp fangs dripping acidic venom inches from her face! What a nice surprise this is!)
ALIEN QUEEN: “HHHHH HHHHH HHHHH HHIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIIS SSSSS SSSSS SSSSS SSSSS !!!!!!! !!!!!!! !!!!!!! !!!!!!! !!!!!!!! !!!!!!! !!!!!!!! !!!!!!! !!!!!!!”
QUESTER: “AAAAAAA AAAAAAA AAAAAAA AAAAAAA AAAAAAA AAAAAAA AAAAAAA AAAAAAA AAAAAAA AAAAAAA AAAAAAA AAAAAAA AAAAAAA AAAAAAA AAAAAAA AAAAAAA AAAAAAA AAAHHHH HHHHHHH HHHHHHH HHHHHHH HHHHHHH HH!!!!! !!!!!!! !!!!!!! !!!!!!! !!!!!!! !!!!!!! !!!!!!!”
(The Alien Queen messily devours Quester X! Thus engorged, she screams merrily and plows forward, dragging the Sleigh of Darkness and Parca Claus behind her.)
ALIEN QUEEN: “SKREEEEEE-EEEEEEEEEEEEEIIIIIIIIIIII-IIIIIII IIIIIII IIIIIII IIIIIIE EEEEEEE EEEERRR RRRR!!! !!!!!!! !!!!!!! !!!!!!! !!!!!!! !!!!!!! !!!”
PARCA: “MERRY HAPPY CRAZY CRANKMAS!!! AAAAAA-HAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHA!!!!! !!!!!!! !!!!!!! !!!!!!! !!!!!!! !!!!!!! !!!!!!! !!!!!!! !!!!!!! !!!!!!! !!!!!!! !!!!!!! !!!”
(The sleigh roars across the nighttime sky! Parca chortles and calls the Aliens by name…)
PARCA: “Now Vomit! Now Writhe! Now Secrete and Visceral! On Putrid! On Regurgitate! On Lobe and Excretion!!!” {89}
(Parca Claus lands on the first house. Actually it is a castle. He slips inside through the shadows on the floor, carrying his wonderful magical Crankmas sack. How can he move like a shadow? Well, the Dark Things are his friends, of course!)
PARCA: “HAW-HAW-HAW-HAAAAAAAAAAWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yeah, thanks, dude.”
SHADOW: (if a nonmaterial lighting effect can shit bricks, that’s what he’s doing) “Y-y-y-you’re welcome, s-s-s-sir!” {90}
(Parca Claus silently dances though the castle, paying no mind to the normal laws of physics. This is actually quite sinister, unlike in “the Mummy Returns” when the animators started smoking crack and decided that, hell EVERY monster could traipse around on the ceilings and such. Sorry, I had to get that little rant out there.
But Parca isn’t the only Creature of Darkness in this particular Maison…)
AUDIENCE: “Is the other one Darker Mad-Ness?” {91}
(Uh… no… Huh, she’s not in this Episode is she? Weird.)
DARKER NESS: (sadly sitting outside in an alley in front of a flaming trash can) ~If you can give a God-mocking mutant clone something to celebrate, I’d love to hear it.~
(Ah… okay this is awkward.
Anyway, Grundie crouches, hidden in the attic of the castle. He slithers forth the minute he hears Parca land the sleigh on the roof. He will wait for him in the main hall, and then he will pounce.
Meanwhile, the master of this castle snores peacefully, having fallen asleep some hours ago in the middle of his favorite girl group’s album, “Thick, Gory Menstrual Discharge: Home for Crankmas”.)
BEAST: “Zzzzzzzrrrrzzzzzzrrrrrr……” {92}
(Enter Parca Claus.)
PARCA: “HAW-HAW-HAW! IT IS TIME FOR THE ANNUAL ENCHANTED CRANKMAS MULLET!!!”
(You see, every year Parca Claus picks one lucky Crankizen to bear the Crankmas Mullet. This is the sign that said Crankizen will have the most prosperous year of all. More importantly, he will get to laugh at the Crankizen who receives the Annual Crankmas Bag O’Rabid Possums.)
BEAST: “Nnnnrrrrrzzzzzzzzz……?”
(But little does Parca Clause know, Grundie has followed him into the West Wing!)
RANDOM STUPID KID: “Woah, Beast is the President?”
BEAST: (sort of a groan) “Uurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrnph……….”
PARCA: “Ah, to carve the wonderful Mullet of Good Luck into this furry head! (he starts off, nicking a horn in the process) AAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!! !!!!!!! !!!!!!! !!!!!!! !!!!!!! !!”
(Grundie pounces!)
GRUNDIE: “HHHHHHH HHHHHHH IIIIIII IIIIIII IIIIIII ISSSSSS SSHHHHH HHHH!!! !!!!!!! !!!!!!! !!”
(Grundie leaps on top of Parca Claus, pinning him down! He tries to wrap a puss cocoon around him but, suddenly, Parca manages to wriggle away from him.
That is, his skin crawls out from under Grundie first, THEN everything else follows.)
GRUNDIE: “That was disgusting. It was unnecessarily putrid. Don’t do anything like that again.”
(Parca smiles at the sebaciously gifted cretin in a way that informs the Audience that this could very well be the longest ten minutes of their lives.) {93}
PARCA: “Disgusting, eh? Does THIS disgust you?”
(He makes a funny face.)
GRUNDIE: “No.”
PARCA: “How about THIS?”
(He makes another funny face.)
GRUNDIE: “No. That was pathetic.”
PARCA: “Ah, then, well. Is *THIS* disgusting?”
(And with that, Parca Claus rams his fingernails into his own eye sockets and pulls his skin clean off, revealing the lovely skeleto-muscular structure of his head. Then he pops his eyes backwards into his skull and bounces them around on his tongue.
Grundie looks like he might have had enough.
But Parca screams in a way that sends everyone within earshot into YEARS of therapy and rips his ribcage open, revealing that his thoracic cavity is actually stuffed with the tortured souls of many little X-Monkeys! They have to work his lungs and such like bellows and they howl at their very first ever glance at the outside world. Parca Claus sings a merry Crankmas Dirge as he scrambles backward up the walls of the West Wing like a Wacky Wall-Walker in severe need of Ritalin.
Happy Holidays to all.
Beast, of course, gets to watch this, well, unforgettable performance.)
BEAST: “Okay, this is just a sad retread of the Halloween part.” {94}
(The rapidly mutating corpse of Parca Claus flops around the room as the damned X-Monkeys howl and stomp up the walls and across the ceiling. Then everyone descends to the floor, Parca returns to relative normalcy, and he bows politely to Grundie.)
PARCA: (and, no, I don’t think he’s being ironic here) “Did I *scare* you?”
GRUNDIE: (not impressed) “How DARE you try to outdo me in repugnance! I am the most revolting creature in Crankyland! Watch this!”
(Grundie takes a deep breath as if he’s about to do something similar to… WHATEVER you call what Parca Claus just did. However, all he does is this:
He posts a surreal essay in which *he* randomly brings up the whole Aurora-harassing ordeal again.
Parca Claus vomits.
Beast vomits.
The Audience vomits.
The Director vomits. Twice.)
PARCA: “Ugh… you win.”
(Grundie sniffs arrogantly and bows to mock Parca Claus. And, suddenly, a snowball materializes out of nowhere and beans the little sh*t on the head, knocking him out.
Parca Claus looks at Grundie. He kicks him with his boot to make sure he’s really out cold.)
PARCA: “Huh. Nice little Deus ex machina there. I wonder what I should do with this thing?”
BEAST: “Why don’t you teleport him to another dimension where he will be eternally tormented?”
PARCA: “A grand idea, dear Beast! Happy Crankmas McMother’s O’Ween to you and yours!”
BEAST: “Thank you. Now get the hell out of my castle; you scare the shit out of me. (pointed stare) *ME*!!!” {95}
(Parca Claus exits Beast’s castle. You don’t want to know how.
When he gets back on the roof, Parca uses his dark magic to summon an Evil Portal of Darkness. A cubic f*ckton of Evil Giant Annalee Dolls come dancing out of the portal and beat Grundie black and blue. Then they hand him over to the Alien Gauchos. The aliens mangle Grundie and the Queen jabs him with her tail stinger a few dozen times. Then they shove his puss-oozing tail back to Cranky Hell through the portal.
Parca Claus Throws the Merry Bag of Rabid Opossums into the portal with Grundie.)
PARCA: “AAAAA AAAAA AAAAA AAH-HA HAHAHA HAHAHA HAHAHA HA!!!!! SLEEP IN HEAVENLY PIECES, PUNK!”
GRUNDIE: (screaming down on the way to Cranky Hell) “I’ll be back! I will return soon! I will nurse my multiple wounds and come back to Crankyland shortly! Then I will overtake this stupid little planet! Your entire world will be mine very soon! I will be back in Crankyland to prove it and then…”
OPOSSUMS: “For crying out loud, SHUT UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
(Parca Claus and the Evil Giant Dolls pile into the Sleigh of Darkness, the Alien Gauchos scream into the night, and the merry personification of the holiday spirit continues on his rounds.)
PARCA: “HAPPY CRAZY CRANKMAS MCMOTHER’S O’WEEN TO ALL! I WILL BE AMOUNG YOU ALL SOON! MWAHAHA HAHAHA HAHAHA HAHAHA HA!!!!!!! !!!!!!! !!!!!!! !!!!!!! !!!!!!! !!!!!!! !!!!!!! !!!!!!! !!!!!!! !!!!!!! !!!!!!! !!!!!!! !!!!!!! !!!!!!! !!!!!!! !!!!!!! !!!!!!! !!!!!”
(The title graphic reappears as the announcer is heard.)
ANNOUNCER: “Coming up on the ‘Crankyland Holiday Special’, the Night Mad-Ness saved Crankmas!!!”



CHAPTER TEN: “In Which Our Heroine Saves Crankmas!”
SMALLER TITLE CARD: “Err, yeah, and some other people helped.”
EXT: “SNOW FALLING ON CEDARS” FORUM – PRETTY SNOWY FOREST
(A light snow dusts the Fellowship of… Whatever as they look for clues around the Holy Hot Rod. Suddenly, our heroine finds Something Vitally Important!!!)
NESS: (pawing through a Dictionary) “Ah, here it is! ‘BALLISTIC = Of or pertaining to the flight characteristic of a projectile, usually a missile.’ (pause) O… kay… THAT just raised more questions than it answered.”
GWEN: “Uh, don’t we have a Crankmas to save?”
NESS: “Okay… um… how about all us chicks look for Little Round Top and, like, get him to stop ruining Crankmas or something.”
JABBY: “What about me?”
NESS: (so excited to be In Charge that she can't stop twitching nervously) “Uh… you might as well come along too. To, like, help.”
JABBY: “Okay.”
(He does this.)
NESS: (wikkid quiet) “Yeah, cause I got no idea what the f*ck I’m doing.”
SLATER AND KEN AND BOBO: “What about us?”
NESS: “Uh, officially yer gonna stay and guard the car. In REALITY, however, you’re going to inadvertently resolve a serious conflict with sort of a slapstick accident.”
SLATER AND KEN AND BOBO: “Okay.”
(They stay in the Hot Rod. Everyone else leaves. After a while Bobo starts channeling Chester from “Sifl and Olly” again.) {96}
BOBO: “I’m in the Holy Hot Rod! / I’m here with Ken and Slater! / The girlies are all gone now! / But they will be back later! / Oh…”
SLATER: “Hmm, I wonder if I could…”
(Slater concentrates *really* hard on some kind of spell. See, just cause he’s a snow goon doesn’t mean he can’t do cool wizard stuff.
The ground starts to shake. A spray of seawater splashes over the edge of a jetty facing the Hot Rod [they parked near the ocean], followed by a female figure. Bobo stops singing and stares at her.)
BOBO: “Woaaaaahhh, mama!!!”
(She’s a cavegirl! Well, she’s dressed a lot like Darrall [sp?] Hannah in “Clan of the Cave Bear”, so let’s just call her a cavegirl. Anyhow, dear little Bobo thinks she is *HOT*. Especially when she begins to sing!) {97}
CAVEBABE: “Makka makka HIPS a llama wamma! / Mukka-tûkka wook wook bongas bongas! / Yamma-lamma! LEGS are la la la la! / Something something, yeah, cut to the chorus. / LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LAAAA! / NAW-NAW-NAW-NEH-NAW-NEEEEEHHHH! / LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LEGS-LEGS-LEGS!!! / MAH-MAH-MAH-MEEEEEERRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
BOBO: “I think I love you Cave Babe.”
CAVEBABE: “Ooh, you are the cutest little monkey in the world! I love you too! You appreciate my hot legs! (sings some more) WHEREVA! / WHENEVA! / Mutta minka be to-GEY-THAH! / I’ll be THEY-urr an’ you’ll be NEE-EER! / Yadda yadda yah, my DEE-urrr!”
(Why do I get the feeling this song is much nicer in the original Spanish?)
COOL FLUTES: “Chook ch-chook choo-chook chook CHOOK! / CHOOK chi-chook choo-chook chook CHOOOOK!”
(Bobo and the Cave Babe run off together. Slater is very happy that his Hot Cave Babe Summoning Spell worked. Ken, however, is baffled.) {98}
KEN: “Really. Anything sarcastic I could say right now would be WELL beyond the point.”
(If Snow Goons had veins in their foreheads, and if those veins could twitch violently, that’s what we’d see happening to Slater.)
SLATER: “Sweet step-dancing monkey butlers!!! Why do you have to take the p*ss out of everything?!? You’re all like, ‘Whoops, I’m the Resident Cynical Nihilist! B*tch b*tch b*tch!’ God, take a f*cking chill pill you (dramatic close-up) *poseur*!!!”
KEN: (steams a little) “If I’m a *poseur* then YOU’RE a *poseur*.”
SLATER: (screaming) “You’re KING *Poseur*!!!!!” {99}
KEN: “This isn’t even worth it! You’re crazy.”
SLATER: “You’re retarded!”
KEN: (livid) “You’re a *SNOWMAN*!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
(Sometimes when something not good happens to us, it takes a while to sink in. Psychologists call this a Defense Mechanism. In other words, Slater has sort of ignored the fact that he is now a snowman because, if he ever sat and thought about that, he’d probably go insane.
This is where he actually realizes it.)
SLATER: (in denial) “YOU'RE a snowman! (there is a long pause) No… no…! No, you’re lying! I… I can’t be a snowman…? (hysterical) NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I can’t be a snowman! WHYYYYYYYYY???????????????? Of all the things in this stupid world, WHY a snowman???”
KEN: (matter-of-fact; this is Ken being the Optamist) “Well, you *could* have been reincarnated as a crab louse.”
DIRECTOR: “Ooh! Or a Maine Man with a mullet!”
AUDIENCE: “Or a drunken, whining little Martyr of Bored People! (pause) Wait…”
SLATER: (hysterical and crying) “I would have PREFERRED that!!!! *snif* At least those things are, well, anatomically accurate! (hysterical and crying and sobbing) Dude… like… you can’t, like… hook me up with an icicle or something? (pause) Dude? (longer pause) Ken, dude?”
(All this time, Kaminski has just been staring at the Snow Goon.
Every creature on the planet, no matter how insane or... um... morally inventive, has a point where they MUST draw the line. One of the most intrinsically stupid things about Metafanfiction is that I really don't know where any given person really does have his / her limits.
Which brings us to how, educated guess here, Ken really would react to the inevitable mental image of two snow-people going at each other.
Best guesses: he'd either find it mildly amusing, or too stupid. But for the purposes of this narrative, he finds it way too sick and depraved ever by his standards. And so he is violently and noisily sick [not on purpose]...)
KEN: "...urk... (enter some absolutely ghastly sound FX here)"
SLATER: "AAAAAUUUGH!!!!!!!!"
(...all over poor Slater's snow goon... um... torso? It's really more like a thorax.
Anyway, Slater gets the hell out of there, dragging the bits of his ass that haven't been dissolved in puke, deer spit, or monkey pee off into the woods.)
SLATER: “Oh. Fine.”
(Slater goes off and hooks himself up with an icicle. But he ends up scarring many little animals for life and they make him get rid of it. And, anyway there aren’t any Undead Talking Snow Babes he could, well, try it out on.
Trust me, I could take that scenario off into a subplot all it’s own, but I have to draw the line *somewhere*.
Meanwhile…) {100}
EXT: “SNOW FALLING ON CEDARS” FORUM – SOME OTHER PART OF THE FOREST {101}
(The woods are snowy and pristine. Several Snowbunnies pause to sniff curiously at the rather odd trails left by a band of passing travelers. Three pairs of boot prints, a set of prints that look like a two-ton chickadee with… fuzzy scales on it’s feet, and another set of prints that resemble those of a small goose. These last ones periodically break from the main group and lead to what are probably best described as snow angels that are half-mermaid; they have wings and long scaly tails.
Their creator, a mentally-twelve skinny little shrimp, trots along briskly when she once again notices Something Important.)
NESS: “Hmm, this chapter’s getting a little long. Also I think that bit about the vomit was a little much.”
WHACK: “Yeah, well, this is my first real *ahem* Star Turn in it.”
NESS: “You know what? This is *MY* first real Star Turn in it. And this thing is supposed to be *about ME*.”
WHACK: “Ahhh…”
(And then, the Mad-Ness Monster gets in touch with *her* inner Martyr for the Bored. It lasts about a half-minute.)
NESS: (addressing the group; or, more accurately, anyone who cares) “Look, everyone, I don’t know if anyone’s keyed in to the undertone of sadness in this fanfic. I’ve been here about two years and feel like the most pointless entity in the whole freakin’ message board. I’ve never had my own Evil Clone; I had to make one up. Mr. Wonderful has never made fun of my handle and, sh*t, it wouldn’t take all that much imagination. I’m a complete sissy. I never flame anybody even if they deserve it because, get this, *I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings*. And… excuse me…?”
PSEU: (raising hand) “Yeah, uh… WHO are you again?”
NESS: (heartbreaking sigh) “Hwwwwwwwoo…”
JABBY: “Well, you’re in a ton of fanfics…”
NESS: “In most of which I am the Crankyland equivalent of those Red Shirt guys from ‘Star Trek’.”
(There is a brief silence.)
JABBY: “Umm… you, err, DO know why I bring that up… You’ve got an overdeveloped sense of justice, don’t you? Believe in things like Cosmic Revenge?”
NESS: (fidgets uncomfortably) “Yeah. I guess.”
JABBY: “So…… can I maybe lose this pink tutu?” {102}
NESS: “Yeeeeee…ah. Um, I wasn’t in charge of wardrobe in this thing though. I REALLY don’t know how that happened. (pause) Okay, FINE! So I can hold a grudge for *months*.”
JABBY: “I see.”
NESS: “Oh, but it’s okay. I *needed* to get in touch with my masculine side.”
GWEN: “True. If we all did, the world would be a better place.”
NESS: “His name is Mark! He’s nine and collects Pokémon crap.”
GWEN: “Yeah, that we didn’t need to know.”
(They continue walking. All around them, the little Snowbirds drop like Springtails [that’s Snowfleas to you], the Springtails do it like Snowbunnies, and the Snowbunnies… well, the bunnies get to live and not plummet screaming from the sky. It’s the Holidays.) {103}
HAZEL-RAH: “Yay!”
NESS: “Hazel, do you know the True Meaning of the Feast of Maximum Occupancy?”
HAZEL: “But it’s Crankmastime. Not Maximum Feast time.”
(Light dawns on Marblehead. Which, by the way, is an expression I’ve heard absolutely nowhere beside the Wreck’s abandoned Halloween story from last year [it’s in the “Interview with a Vampire” forum, and note that it dies the minute I show up in it]. Just thought I’d point that out.)
NESS: “Ohhh… yeah. (she gets a little upset) Damn, what if I *never* find out the Meaning of Crankmas? It could be gone for good and it’d be all my fault!”
(A lot of times when you’ve got a story and it’s got a dragon in it, said dragon is there just to go batsh*t and destroy a lot of stuff. Usually an entire city. Well, what’s not so well known is that while dragons throw tantrums all the time [well not ALL the time, they got better things to do most of the time], the effect and duration is directly linked to their size.
The little sparrow-sized Smok [cute pun, that] of Eastern Europe have a blink-and-you-miss-it fit of hopping up and down and squeaking *loudly*. Meanwhile, the Great Bahamut, whose bulk is said to encompass half the Galaxy, once raged for such a great long time that his anger actually hit the End of Time, had to turn around, and it is now traveling *backwards* through time. The effects won’t harm the Real World, but it might shake up Planet Cranky, or whatever, quite a bit.
I’m planning on taking a good, long hiatus at the end of this fic. But it has nothing to do with that.
Anyway, what the Mad-Ness Monster does is stomp around for a bit and then she hurls a softball-sized snowball at a tree.)
NESS: “GRRR!” {104}
(But it doesn’t hit the tree.
As a matter of fact, the snowball appears to have vanished.)
NESS: “What the hell?”
(Dear reader, you are probably wise enough to have figured out that this snowball has managed to get caught in the very temporal rift inadvertently caused by the Great Bahamut spilling hot coffee on his crotch. Thus it has traveled back in time and nailed Grundie on the head.
And so Mad-Ness saved Crankmas.
Without even realizing it.
And, furthermore, no one will know it was her.
Go figure.)
NESS: (reading over that last part) “Cripes, even in Cyberspace I’m a loser!”
(Meanwhile…)
EXT: “SNOW FALLING ON CEDARS” FORUM – SAD AND LONELY PART OF THE FOREST
(Slater is very sad. Remember, he has just realized that…)
SLATER: (bawling) “I’M A F*CKIN’ SNOOOOOOOOW MAAAAAAAAAAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” br> (The thing is, um, he isn’t a F*CKING snowman, which is kind of the problem if you catch my drift. Anyway, while he is sadly dragging his ass around the woods, Slater sees Little Round Top!)
LRT: “On the Twelfth Day of Crankmas some weird folks gave to me / 12 Conqueror clones! / 11 Grundle ISSUES! / 10 Holy Hot Rods! / 9 Bags O’Skittles! / 8 Monkey Butlers! / 7 ‘Special’ Brownies! / 6 Stupid Newbies! / (deep breath) FIIIIIIIVE PO-ORK RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINDS!!! (ba-dum-bump-bump) / 4 Gory Fanfics, 3 Flame Wars, 2 Singing Fish, and an Explodie Rating for… AAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!!!” {105}
(Slater jumps L.R.T. before he can finish the song.)
SLATER: “Try to ruin Crankmas will ya?”
LRT: “GAAAWK! A talking mutant snow man!”
(That gives Slater a fabulous idea.)
SLATER: “RRRRRRRRRGH! Yes! I am the Official Guardian of Crankmas! All your nightmares are about to come true! That is, unless you help us save Crankmas!”
LRT: “Oh, yes great Guardian of Crankmas!”
(Slater drags his ass back to the Holy Hot Rod with Little Round Top in tow. The entire Fellowship of… Something meets them there.) {106}
LRT: “I promise I’ll never ruin Crankmas again! I was under the control of Evil Forces!”
NESS: “Yay! Well, I guess you can go back to jumping lines of cars in your little dirtbike.”
LRT: (quizzically) “Glarp?”
NESS: “Well, that’s what lawyers *do* all day, isn’t it?”
JABBY: “Who set you up, Little Round Top?”
LRT: “It was the weirdest thing. There I am in my shop, when suddenly there’s this blinding flash of light, the smell of sulfur, and there’s this strange reptilian gentleman standing in front of me. He gave me a bag of gifts to pass out among the Crankizens. (pause) Why all the blanched faces?”
GWEN: (gravely) “I’ve never heard of a demon like *that* one.”
LRT: “Yes, well, it vanished as soon as it had arrived. It was muttering something kind of ominous about taking over Planet Cranky, or whatever.”
(The Fellowshippers stare at each other and shudder.)
PSEU: “Well, Crankyland’s pretty big. And think of all the messed-up guys who tried to *ahem* conquer it over the years. None of them really succeeded.”
WHACK: “Even so, a lot of them came pretty close. We should be on (dramatic close-up) ALERT!”
BRUNO BETTLEHELM: (I minored in child psyche and got to read his _the Uses of Enchantment_. Hoo boy!) “Ah, this obviously is meant to parallel the very real wartime situation at the beginning of the 21st Century, which was when this was written. (a beat) Also, I believe the author used so many obvious phallic symbols to work the children reading this through their raging sexual hang-ups.”
(Everyone looks at him funny.)
AUDIENCE: “Hey, wait a minute! Grundie first mentioned that he was going to take over Crankyland when he hypnotized all the Assclowns. EXCEPT for Ken, who was already asleep! Yay! He can tell everyone what’s going on and this jaw-clenching, mind-numbing, beastly fanfiction can be OVER!!!”
KEN: (randomly handed a mirror by some Plot Devices) “Ow, sssst… damn! Anyone know where I got this gigantic cranial bruise?” {107}
AUDIENCE: “F*ck.”
(Eh, I was thinking of stretching this bad boy out until at least my next birthday anyway. BWAHAHA HAHAHA HAHAHA HAHAHA HAHAHA HAHA!!!!!!! !!!!!!! !!!!!!! !!!!!!! !!!!!!! !!!!!!!)
NESS: “Well, I *guess* since the conflict is kinda resolved, we could all head over to the Big Holiday Bash finally.”
ALL: “To the Big-Ass Holiday Bash!!!”
(Yes, they resolved the conflict involving Little Round Top, BUT they did so without knowing fully that a TON of new problems have arisen.
We all have to ignore that for now.)
INT: SOMEPLACE WHERE THE PARTY IS
(All the Crankizens that have been in the story so far, even the ones who are dead, ESPECIALLY the ones who are “just sleeping”, arrive at the Holiday Bash Place. They are all sitting in the Main Hall around a lovingly decorated Crankmas Cannabis and a roaring fire fueled by Tickle Me Elmo Surprises.) {108}
WRECK: “Gather ye round, it’s time for our annual sing-along!’
BOBO: (in the Cave Babe’s lap) “This is not a rebel song! This is a Very Merry Crankmas Carol!”
(C’mon everybody! Sing along!!!)
EVERYBODY: “Crankyland, Crankyland / Cranky all the way! / Oh what fun it is to troll / Through the forums everyday! HEY! / Crankyland, Crankyland / Scathing film reviews / Bad direction, stupid plots / ‘Cause the writer’s sniffing glue!”
WHACK: (doesn’t exactly look like she’s just running on Oxygen, if you understand what I mean.) “Flaming everyone / Who cares what you say / Make a Statement bold / Conquerer is gay! / Take a Cranky Poll / Answer if you can / Oh what fun it is to post if you just ignore the spam… / A dayyy… to Learn! / To Love! / To Grow! / To KNOOOOOOOOWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!” {109}
EVERYONE: “Um, okay. Crankyland, Crankyland / There’s four bombs away! / Stater’s back and BJ Quacks / and Grundle’s here to stay, UGH! / Crankyland, Crankyland / Savage film attacks / Pick a flick or flame a d*ck / But don’t ignore the aaaaaaaaaaaaadddsss!!!!!!! !!!!!!! !!!!!!! !!!!!!! !!!!!!! !!!!!!! !!!!!!! !!!!!!!”
ANNOUNCER: “From all of us, to all of you, a very Funky Crankmas! And have a Cranky New Year!”
NESS: “And may it be MAD too!” {110}



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