Rating the Saturday Morning Cartoons! Fall 2K02, part one
(The things I do for you people.)


I feel the need to kick this off with an apology. I haven't had anything new in this site in way too long. Well, that's hopefully going to change because I finally decided on a theme of sorts: CARTOONS!

Hell, why not? I love cartoons! Who doesn't love cartoons? You don't? Aw, go soak yer head.

As for the rest of us, we'll start with something I've been doing online for a while now: badly researched and totally based on first impressions reviews of new Saturday morning cartoons. I'm going to tackle the WB and Fox as well as a notable PBS series today, and I'll hit ABC and ABC Family (there's evidently a difference) next weekend. So I can guarantee at least one new Readable in the foreseeable future.
Alrighty, here we go. Please note that all times and stations here are based off Boston-area networks. You'll have to check your local listings to see these for yourself.


PBS Kids (WGBH, channel 2)
6:30 AM and 4:30 PM - "Liberty's Kids"
This show kind of jumped the Saturday morning gun (it's been airing for a week or so now), but I feel it deserves a mention.
It isn't "Histeria". We don't get Vikings kickin' it old-school when they find North America, and we don't have to listen to Lincoln give the Gettysburg (hey, you spell it off the top of your head) Address as a "Late Show" monologue. Even so, there's a point where this otherwise pretty good series that tries to do the unenviable job of making the American Revolution interesting for nine-year-olds goes... wrong. It isn't BAD, it's just... wrong.
It could be the interludes that suggest Ben Franklin was a CNN correspondent. Hell, for all some kids know, there's *always* been 24/7 cable news (not to mention television; I don't know, maybe all the kids I know are unusually stupid). It COULD be the God-forsaken Aaron Carter theme song. That little f-er's got to go down as a case study on the evils of nepotism. Whatever it is, be prepared to squirm a bit if you grew up in Philadelphia or Boston.


Kids WB! (WLVI, channel 12)
7:00 AM - "Killin' Things with Jake an' Billy-Bob!"
The WB, along with FOX Kids, has had the best overall lineup so far the past few years. This year seems to be pretty off-and-on, but I'm getting ahead of myself.
Now, all the networks' cartoons usually kick off at 7:30 or 8:00. I got up early enough so I wouldn't miss anything. I also got to see what each network used as filler programs for early birds.
Before I go on, I'm a reasonably good friend with some hunters and I eat meat, but I also think moose are pretty cool animals. They look like a walking design flaw but they're one of the most successful Artiodactyl species in the world. That and they're in the freaking supporting cast of "Invader ZIM"!
So, anyway, all the little kiddies who got up to watch cartoons got to see two Big Manly Maine Men™ shoot a Big Manly Moose in the Big Manly Trackless Wilderness of Northern New England. Then they hover over the poor beastie's bleeding carcass to compliment themselves on what a great Big Manly Moose they've bagged.
Truly, I am sure that the children got a big kick out of that.
Unless the kids DID enjoy it... in which case... eep.

7:30 - "Baby Looney Tunes"
Proof that Chuck Jones died in vain.
Who's got some industrial-strength oven cleaner I can wash my eyes out with?

8:00 - "Yu-Gi-Oh!"
Okay, this series LOOKS hella-cool. I can never get into it cause I can't understand what the hell is going on here.
What's the deal with Pegasus? What's his freakin' problem anyway? What does his eye-implant thingy have to do with that big honking pyramid pendant Yu-Gi-Oh carries around his neck?
But the biggest question on my mind -and I'm writing these notes on a lot of caffeine mind you- the question with the most potentially groundbreaking societal fallout, is this: Where the heck did Simon LeBon adopt a really silly New York accent?

8:30 - "What's New Scooby-Doo?"
Ah, we need another Scooby variation like a fish needs a bicycle. Yeah, but THIS outing's got computers and GTS and snowboarding and -AND- *Virtual Reality!!!* Ooooooohhh!!!
Scooby-Poo.

9:00 - "Jackie Chan Adventures!"
What the heck? Why is this still alive? It's been three years! Don't cartoons based off real people have one-year life spans? Has ANY cartoon that is, effectively, an animated Meta-fanfic survived this long? (Hey, post the answer in the forums if you know it; this is going to bother me.)
I've been calling this thing "Hammer-Chan" since it premiered and I'm sticking to my guns. This is despite the fact that it's actually a fun cartoon for what it is.
One last thing I have to vent here. Actually, it's more like a request. Can we PLEASE, for the sake of the original Trinity, pick some *other* scenes from "the Matrix" to parody?

9:30 - "Ozzy and Drix"
Now how the hell did this happen? Warner Brothers lets the Farelly brothers (you know, the "Dumb and Dumber" / "Something About Mary" guys) make their own mostly animated movie, nobody goes to see it, then they go ahead and make it into a series. Well, thank goodness this happened because I hope this ends up being the WB's breakout new series. You probably don't know, because you probably didn't see it, but in between the gross-outs, "Osmosis Jones" had some very imaginative animation. The series manages to replicate it on a budget. It'll be interesting to see what happens to this one.

10:00 - "Pokémon: Enter Current Subtitle Here"
Eh, I think we all know the drill by now. If you STILL don't understand what "Pokémon" is all about, I'm in no position to help you out.
Now, of course I admitted my Adult Loser Digi-Fandom almost as soon as this site went up, but I have to admit there is one advantage "Pokémon" still has: Team Rocket! Yeah, I know, but watch their signature chant again ("To protect the world from devastation / To unite all peoples within our nation ect. ect.") and try to convince yourself that you aren't lovin' it.

10:30 - "¡Mucha Lucha!"
W.T.F. is this?
Say, didn't FOX have a similarly titled show about masked wrestlers a while back? Didn't it go over like a granite balloon?
Eh, well, the character designs are cute.
(And before I get a lot of angry flamage from any masked wrestlers or their fans, it's the CARTOONS that I'm dissin' here! Not you! Och-ai!)

11:30 - "X-Men: Evolution"
11:00 gives us another episode of "Yu-Gi-Oh!", and then we get the E-Ticket ride, finally. I am so glad "X-Men" survived. Purists may balk at characters who predate each other shaking hands, but I'm no purist. Like it or not, this is just a great superhero cartoon.


The Fox Box! (WFXT, channel 25)
7:30 - "Some Bull Involving Kids and a Chimp"
Unless you've already guessed, I've been using the magic of an extra VCR here. So I got to fast-forward through FOX's choice of a filler. The hunting show was a lot more interesting.
This has nothing to do with anything, but I have to go on a tangent here. See, I'm typing this while sort of half-watching "Pleasantville" on TNT, and there's a plot hole that's really bothering me. The 50's people live in a black-and-white world. How come they know the names of the colors that start showing up in their world? Why do they even HAVE color vision anyway?
This is why I hate living in this brain sometimes. Pity your Auntie Monster.

8:00 - "Stargate Infinity"
Right.
I knew FOX had given up its usual lineup with ABC Family, or something. I knew this meant I should expect some strange programming choices. But a cartoon based off that wacky cult movie that looks to have been based off of Earth Wind and Fire album cover art?
Actually, it's not a half-bad setup for an adventure cartoon. But unless there are a whole lot of "Stargate" sequels I'm unaware of (the series plays out like "Stargate Episode 912"), there's nothing here from the movie BUT the Gates. Instead, we get every bad sci-fi/action cartoon cliché strung together. Bleh.

8:30 - "Ultraman Tiga!"
I know this much is true: "Ultraman" is inherently cool. This "new" version is kind of old-school in that it's a straightforward English dub. The version I remember had new footage made in Australia, which I find myself missing here (especially the B.S. about Ultraman only able to remain gigantic for long enough to kick monster bottomsies). Ultraman still suffers from John Carter's Syndrome, but I'm happy to say the monsters have smartened up some.
Excuse my geekery, but I wonder if this dub team is the same one that Americanized "Digimon"? What with all the silly one-liners and stuff. And wasn't that the voice of Curtis ("Better Off Dead") Armstrong?
Okay, I'll stop now.

9:00 - "Kirby!"
Here's a cartoon that kicks off with an evil penguin summoning a gigantic flying squid to eat all the sheep in town. Later on, Kirby's in some trouble and some random (Savage? :) Wombat wanders by, politely inerupts the action to introduce himself, and waddles off to whatever it is pudgy marsupials with cute big noses do all day long.
I'm sold. :)

9:30 - "Ultimate Muscle!"
I'm going to assume this is a well-meaning parody of "Dragonball Z" as opposed to a cash-in. Whatever it is, it's pretty damn funny. Ya gotta love Kid Muscles' "Ode to Stir-Fry". I might find myself getting hooked on this in spite of myself.
10, 10:30, and 11 are filled with additional episodes of "Ultraman", "Muscle", and "Kirby" respectively, and then we get...

11:30 - "Fighting Foodons"
The best way I can sum this cartoon up is that it crosses the most shamelessly silly elements of "Yu-Gi-Oh!" and "Iron Chef".
That is to say, it's about fighting monsters who are actually foods brought to life (burgers turn into Minotaurs and so on). Like "Pokémon", the monsters walk around saying their names over and over.
So a typical plot has this giant bovine Godzilla (shades of the Far Side) stomping around town while she screams "BEEF STEAAAAAAAAAAAKE!!!!!!!!" to anyone who cares.
Now I know exactly what show animé detractors are talking about when they argue that all the animators are on bad acid.

On to Part Two!!!

Related Links!

The Flipside - Ignoring my first instinct to just have the official sites of the networks here, I'm instead linking you kids to a couple of the strange Saturday Morning cartoons of the past that I want to do reviews of in the future. You're going to want to look over these to mentally prepare yourself.
This one's a "Kidd Video" site. I haven't decided where to begin with this one. O_o

The Freakilair! - Is there some way we can make Freakizoid the Patron Saint of Geekdom?

Yesterdayland - I've made fun of the Y-L-ers a lot, but this is STILL the mother of all Internet cartoon encyclopedias.



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All entities mentioned herein are © to their respective owners and no endorsement is intended. Please don't sue me, I am poor.

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