Rating the Saturday Morning Cartoons! Fall 2K02, part two!
"Bu-ZAH! Whup-AH! Chi-KAH!!!"


You can blame nasty weather for the lateness of this follow-up. Actually, it worked out rather well cause Isadore's last gasp allowed me to catch two important Cartoon Network shows I would have otherwise forgotten about.


Cartoon Network (TOON, channel 73)
6:00 PM - "Masters of the Universe"
I never caught the original "He-Man" series as a lass due to a condition known in medical circles as "having a Uterus". So thusly unbiased, I enjoyed this new take on everyone's favorite barbarian who isn't Conan. Any take on "He-Man" that manages to make both Orco and Cringer less annoying than I recall can't be all bad. I wonder if She-Ra's going to show up?

6:30 PM - "Transformers: Armada"
I watched the first episode of this when it first aired a few weeks ago. The first five minutes or so were pretty kickass... and then we got some stupid bull about these two kids. FIFTEEN FULL MINUTES of stupid bull about the two kids. That killed it for me.
Is there some kind of Cybertronian bylaw that states that all Transformer robots must hang out with asinine little punks (and I am also thinking of that whining little puke Danny from the movie)? Did these kids win some kind of stupid contest? Wouldn't sending them into battle with giant robots stomping around be lawsuit after lawsuit waiting to happen?
Should I get out more?


ABC KIDS (WCVB, channel 4)
8:00 - "Teamo Supremo!"
This is going to be one long-ass morning.
You can't deal with this cartoon without first addressing the "it's a baldfaced rip-off of 'the Powerpuff Girls'" accusation. I tried to give it a fair shot anyway...
...and discovered that it IS a baldfaced rip-off of "the Powerpuff Girls". Only where "PPG" is funny and clever, "TS" is preachy and stupid. "Teamo" Bad. "Powerpuffs" Good. Dogs bark, cats meow. Eastern Orioles (Icterus galbula "Baltimore") have all-black heads and Western ones (I. galbula "Bullocks") sport orange masks. I hope that clears things up for everyone.

8:30 - "Recess"
Okay, this is more like it. I think the reason "Recess" surpassed all the other ABC cartoons in the "There's NOTHING kids'll like better on Saturday Morning than a whole lot of cartoons about going to school" genera is it's writing. This show could probably even make it in prime time; AND one of today's episodes deals with the same "Absolute power corrupts absolutely" theme as "Teamo" and doesn't f**k it up. Bravo!

9:00 - "Filmore"
Clever. Very clever. Maybe it's not as delightfully subversive (and true) a middle-school satire as "Invader ZIM", but it tries. 9:30 gives us another "Recess", and then we get...

10:00 - "Lizzie Maguire"
I have to digress here. Anyone remember when they had DISNEY shows on the Disney Channel? You know, Disney cartoons and movies and "the Wonderful World of Disney" and "Mickey Mouse Club" and "Welcome to Pooh Corner" and so on? Well, now it's basically a huge event if they even mention a Disney movie on the supposed Disney Channel. And instead of Mickey we get shows like "Lizzie Maquire". Bah.

10:30 - "the Proud Family"
Here's another export from the so-called Disney Channel. It's about the daily adventures of some kid and her politically correct, ethnically diverse friends and family. Needless to say, not unlike "Captain Planet", the cartoon makes a big screaming deal about it's political correctness. It makes you appreciate "Doug" for cryin' out loud! Hell, Patty was orange, Roger was kind of greenish, and Skeeter was *bright cerulean blue* and NOBODY SAID A DAMN THING!!!
Hmm, maybe I do need to get out more.


ABC FAMILY (Family Channel, channel 26)

8:00 - "Power Rangers Light Speed Rescue"
My local listings call this "Classic Power Rangers". Naturally, I expected something from the first seasons. With Alpha Pi and the floating big giant head (Thordon? Dorphon? Zarquon? Something like that), and the legendary Rita Repulsa (who might just give Team Rocket a run for their money).
And instead I got "Light Speed", which was the spin-off where I decided it was time the Rangers hang up their helmets and call it a night. Their fighting giant robot transforms not from cool monster or animal robots but from a train. A *TRAIN!!!*

8:30 - "Power Rangers Wild Force"
I think I've figured out why the newer Ranger series suck so badly. They take themselves too damn seriously (and what that means, for a show like "Power Rangers", is that they take the concept seriously at all). Today's episode is a case in point. The current Rangers end their adventure in a ceremony where they build and honor a memorial to the Power Rangers of ancient times.
Reflect that a typical Season One episode would end with the Rangers knocking back Shirley Temples at the Angel Grove club-type-place and laughing their asses off at the antics of local f-ups Bulk and Skull. And I think that just about says it all, don't you?

9:00 - "BeyBlade"
Here's the latest in a long line of action-packed animés that center around international competitions where teams of intrepid kids show off their skills and strategies with the help of their amazing and powerful fighting...
Tops.
Not fighting robots or funky monsters; in "BeyBlade" we get fighting tops. And they're not even particularly big tops or tops with X-Acto knife blades duct-taped to the sides. They're just tops. That's pretty damn lame.
Of course, "Fighting Foodons" has already won this year's boobie prize for stupidest cartoon, so "BeyBlade" lucks out.

9:30 - "Medabots"
Or, "Some Bull Involving Kids and a Robot."
You know, this was about the time I was starting to think, "Digimon Series Four" had better be pretty f-ing incredible. See, it's supposedly airing on ABC Family this year, but not until November 30.
That is unless the "Digimon" episodes airing at 6:30 on UPN AREN'T repeats, and thus that Series Four has been well underway for a few weeks now. And that'd just be crazy, crazy, crazy, wouldn't it? Ha ha ha! (twitches)

10:00 - "Tokyo Pig"
Anyone remember those crazy-ass cartoons they'd show between segments on "Sesame Street"? And they'd always have funky songs with demented lyrics and shapes changing and things jumping around and stuff happening?
Yeah, neither do I. Even so, this cartoon reminded me of them. Expect this to be this year's "Pee-Wee's Playhouse" (as in strange college students will record it and watch it over and over during parties).
Anyway, that is one cute pig.

10:30 - "Spider-Man"
Ahhh... a good old-school superhero cartoon. And no fighting tops or trippy piggies to be seen. Granted it isn't "Batman", but it does have a gritty, pulpy quality all it's own and looks like a frikkin' masterpiece compared to it's neighbors.

11:00 - "Galidore"
At a family barbecue this summer, my tiny triplet second cousins cast me as some character (Groan or Grode or Porn or something) in their "Galidore" based proto-L.A.R.P. Needless to say, I had no idea what the hell they were babbling about, so I was anxious to finally watch an entire episode.
Turns out it's a no-budget "Star Wars" cash-in that graciously brings all the wonderful video editing technology of 1982 out of retirement. Ack.

11:30 - "NASCAR Racers"
Oh, f**k this.

And thus endeth my wonderful Saturday Morning spectacular. Tune in next time when I wake up at six to find that, yes indeedy, Series Four HAS been airing for several weeks now and I missed it! Yay!
(Special note for the two people who were semi-concerned about that: No, UPN is still well into Series Three, at least in Boston. It was the episode right after the one where Beazlemon kills Leomon [repeat: Beazlemon KILLS Liomon!!!] as a matter of fact. I estimate that should place the new episodes at around mid-October at the earliest. You may return to your normal lives now.)
Related Links!

Mad-Ness Rates the Cartoons Part One! - Presumably, you've already read this, but there's always one fruit fly in the yogurt, mom always says. Wait, no she doesn't...

The Magical World of VERBS! - I don't know what the hell this is all about, but promotional spots for this website were running about every five seconds on ABC. Something about getting kids to be more active by picking their favorite action word and doing it. For you kids reading this right now, start with these: Undulate, Shed, Transcend, and Stoop.




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