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"All the news that's fit to fit!"

November 23, 2003 BC

Vol. XVIIICCMYIRA

WACKO JACKO ARRESTED

CAFFEINE NOT ADDICTIVE

ATLANTA- The Coca-Cola Company has issued a statement which has shocked the soda drinking community. Coca-Cola has announced that the caffeine in soft drinks and coffee is not addictive, contrary to what is commonly believed by the majority of the population. Coca-Cola stated "Scientific evaluation of the psychological effects of caffeine in light of the criteria for drug dependence clearly shows that caffeine is not similar to the use of drugs of abuse or dependence." For years people have believed that caffeine created a drug like dependence, and many were shocked to learn that caffeine was not addictive. Some still refuse to believe Coca-Cola's claim, sying that Coca-Cola is merely trying to bolster its sales by making consumers more comfortable with drinking more soda. Many people claim that caffeine dependence does indeed exist because they have experienced an addiction and/or withdrawal. But Coca-Cola replies that some symptoms of withdrawal may be experienced if soda consumption is stopped abruptly, and when people gradually stop drinking soda or other caffeinated beverages these symptoms are non-existant. This is not true for other addictive drugs where the addict experiences symptoms of withdrawal by stopping abruptly or quitting over a period of time. For years anti-soda figures have argued that soda is unhealthy and should not be distributed in schools because it creates an addiction. If what Coca-Cola says is true the anti-soda advocates will be robbed of one of their most persuasive arguments. Moreover, Coca-Cola says "the ammount of caffeine in typical soft drinks is minimal." Even if one was to drink a large quantity of soda every day they would fail to develop an addiction if caffeine is indeed addictive. The amount of caffeine in one serving of Coca-Cola Classic is equivalent to 1/3 the amount of caffeine in coffee and 1/2 the amount in tea. Caffeine has been here since 2700 BC, and will be with us far in the future. Be it addictive or not, it will always be the thing which brightens our mornings and stays by our side at all hours. It will always be The Best Part of Waking Up.

HAPPY LAND- Michael Jackson was arrested a few days ago on charges of child molestation. What finally gave our ingenious authorities a clue is still a mystery, as is what sent Michael Jackson down this road of crime. But the latter has been answered, and the true culprit is none other than Pepsi. Michael Jackson is an avid Pepsi drinker, and the toilet water has undoubtedly affected his brain. What started as an innocent drink from time to time became an all out addiction, and soon Jackson started experiencing the side effects of Pepsi. First, Jackson's skin started to become pale, and then he began to change genders. This is a common symptom of Pepsi consumption, but few have as serious case as Michael Jackson has. Jackson's nose began to fall apart under its own weight; the Pepsi had eaten the cartilidge and bone in his nose. But the last effect of Pepsi is the worst: brain damage. Jackson began to believe that he was Peter Pan, the character from the children's book, and developed a fondness for young boys. Thus Pepsi claimed yet another innocent life. The story of Michael Jackson must never be forgotten, and we must always take heed of the dangers of Pepsi.

Michael Jackson at the height of his Pepsi craze, which would soon be his downfall.

BADGERS, BADGERS, BADGERS

THE HAGUE- A new craze has swept the net in recent weeks, although its vocabulary is limited to about 5 words. "Badgers", a cartoon about badgers, has gone from a small-time film to a blockbuster in less than a week. The fil features badgers dancing to a hypnotic beat and then the camera moves to a shot of a mushroom. This process repeats a couple times and then the chain is broken when the chorus goes to "Snake! Aaah! Snake!" rather than reverting back to the badgers. But the song loops back to the badgers, and the sequence begins anew. The cartoon is hypnotic and addictive, but it is not without its faults. Brian the Tall reported an abnormal amount of pop-up ads after viewing the cartoon and he was forced to shut down his computer. But so far Brian has been the only one to report such problems adn authorities on the subject say that the cartoon is safe to view for most computers. A link to the cartoon has been added to the Multimedia section so that all UCCS members may view it.

And now a moment of silence to honor our fallen coke machines........................ ............................................................. ............................................................................................. .................................................................... ............................................................... ............................................................ .............................................................. ............................................................. ............................................................ .................................................................. ........................................................... .......................................................... ....................End.

Previous issues of the Soda Bubble

Soda Bubble November 18, 2003

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