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MR. Evil Bob, RM. 232, ST. CAFFEINE SOFT DRINK SCHOOL |
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| Welcome! |
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Welcome to Soda school. Now sit down and shut up. Take out a piece of paper and a #2 pencil and we will begin. |
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| Welcome to the most important things you'll ever learn! I am your instructor, Evil Bob, and I am prepared to show you the wonders of the soft drink world. |
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THIS WEEK'S LESSON: Pepsi, just plain evil or Satan's main instrument of evil? |
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Related Links: |
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Email Evil Bob |
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UCCS and Roman Empire |
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Most people know that Pepsi tried to steal Coca-Cola's formula and emulate that divine drink. But most people don't know exactly what's in the Pepsi formula. It is a common myth that Pepsi is made in the USA, it is actually made in the deepest, darkest place in the Underworld. Pepsi was invented by Satan one day when he got bored and said "I think I'll go torture mankind with a drink of pure evil that will steal their souls!", and thus Pepsi was born. On the Pepsi can it says that Pepsi is made of water, sugar, and other natural ingredients. Actually, Pepsi is first water from the river Styx, then some damned souls are added. Then Satan takes some mud, and dirt, and broken glass, and boils the mixture over the flames of Atilla the Hun. But today things are more modern. It is boiled over the flames of Hitler instead. |
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Biographies of the Greats |
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Alaska and Coca-Cola |
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The Official Coca-Cola Site |
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Questions for the teacher: |
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Q: Why do people drink Pepsi?
Jim from Alberta, Canada
A: Some people have been posessed by evil spirits of dead telemarketers and feel an uncontrollable urge to drink toilet water. But the toilet isn't nasty enough, so they drink Pepsi.
Q: If Pepsi tastes so bad, why does Pepsi claim most people prefer it?
Jessica from Chicago, Illinois
A: Pepsi says it wins taste contests; however most of those contests are run by Pepsi and supervised by the Pepsi Gestapo. Another drink once won many contests: New Coke. But I'd rather not relive that. (Still beats Pepsi though)
Q: I like soda, but I don't like caffeine. What should I do?
Saddam from Baghdad, Iraq
A: YOU DON"T LIKE CAFFEINE??? What kind of pansy are you? Get out of my face, you insolent little worm!
Q: Is there a Santa Claus?
Gregor from London, England
A: No, I killed him.
Q: You're really mean
A: That's not even a question, grammar boy.
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Marketing Campaigns of Pepsi |
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These are some marketing campaigns for Pepsi products that didn't make the cut because they were too truthful.
"Pepsi, gives added meaning to the word vomit"
Pepsi Cherry Cola's name is changed to Pepsi Cherry Leprosy
Get a free dead dog with every 2 liter Pepsi
"Drink Pepsi and get cholera, dysentery, small pox, bubonic plague, anthrax, SARS, heart disease, athlete's foot, and a nasty aftertaste."
"Is there a bad taste in your mouth now? Too bad. Is there a bad taste in your mouth now? Too bad. etc." |
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