1- Your feet stick to the kitchen floor...and you are too tired to care.
2- When the kids are fighting, you threaten to lock them in a room together and not let
them out until someone's bleeding.
3- You can't find your cordless phone, so you ask a friend to call you, and you run
around the house madly, following the sound until you locate the phone downstairs
in the laundry basket.
4- You spend an entire week wearing sweats.
5- Your idea of a good day is making it through without a child leaking
bodily fluids on you.
6- Popsicles become a food staple.
7- Your favorite television show is a cartoon.
8- Peanut butter and jelly is eaten for at least one meal a day.
9- You're willing to kiss your child's boo-boo regardless of where it is.
10- Your baby's pacifier falls on the floor and you give it back to her/him, after you
suck the dirt off of it because you are too busy to wash it off.
11- Your kids make jokes about farting, burping, pooping, etc...
and you think it is funny.
12- You are so desperate for adult conversation that you spill your guts to the
telemarketer that calls and HE hangs up on YOU!!!
13- Spit is your number one cleaning agent.
14- You are up each night until 10PM vacuuming, dusting, wiping, washing, drying,
loading, unloading, shopping, cooking, driving, flushing, ironing, sweeping,
picking up, changing sheets, changing diapers, bathing, helping with homework
paying bills, budgeting, clipping coupons, foling clothes, putting to bed, dragging out
of bed, brushing, chasing, buckling, feeding (them, not you), PLUS swinging,
playing baseball, bike riding, pushing trucks, cuddling dolls, roller blading,
basketball, football, catch, bubbles, sprinklers, slides, nature walks, coloring,
crafts, jumping rope, PLUS raking, trimming, planting, edging, mowing, gardening,
painting, and walking the dog. You get up at 5:30 AM and you have no time to
eat, sleep, drink or go to the bathroom, and yet...you still manage to gain
10 pounds.
15- In your bathroom there is toothpaste on the light fixtures, water all over
the floor, a dog drinking out of the toilet and body hair forming
a union to protest unsafe working conditions.
16- You buy cereal with marshmallows in it.
17- The closet you get to gourmet cooking is making rice crispies bars.
Attention Children
The bathroom Door is Closed. Please do not stand here and talk,
whine, or ask questions. Wait until I get out.
Yes, it is locked. I want it that way. It is not broken, I am not trapped.
I know I have left it unlocked, and even open at times, since you
were born, because I was afraid some horrible tragedy might occur
while I was in there, but it has been 10 years and I want some
PRIVACY.
Do not ask me how long I will be. I will come out when I am done.
Do not bring the phone to the bathroom door.
Do not go running back to the phone yelling....They are in the
BATHROOM!!
Do not begin to fight as soon as I go in.
Do not stick your little fingers under the door and wiggle them.
This was funny when you were two. Do not slide pennies, Lego's,
or notes under the door. Even when you were two this got a little
tiresome.
If you have followed me down the hall talking, and are still talking
as you face this closed door, please turn around, walk away, and
wait for me in another room. I will be glad to listen to you
when I am done.
And yes, I still love you.
Mom and Dad
A few months ago, when I was picking up the children at school, another mother
I knew well rushed up to me. She was fuming with indignation. "Do you know what
you and I are?" she demanded. Before I could answer and I didn't have one really
handy- she blurted out the reason for her question.
It seemed she had just returned from renewing her drivers license at the County Clerks
Office. She was asked by the woman recorder to state her "occupation," my friend had
hesitated, uncertain how to classify herself. "What I mean is," explained the recorder,
"Do you have a job. or are you just a.....?" "Of course I have a job," snapped
my friend. "I am a Mother!" "We do not list 'mother' as an occupation...
'housewife' covers it" said the recorder emphatically.
I forgot all about her story until one day I found myself in the same situation,
this time at our Town Hall. The clerk was obviously a career woman, poised,
efficient and possessed of a high-sounding title, like "Official Interrogator" or
"Town Registrar." "And what is your occupation?" she probed. What made
me say it, I don't know. The simple opped out. "I am.....a Research Associate
in the field of Child Development and Human Relations." The clerk paused, pen
in frozen mid-air, and looke up as though she had not heard me right. I
repeated the title slowly, emphasizing the significant words.
Then I started at wonder as my pompous pronouncement was written in Bold,
black ink of the official questionnaire. "Might I ask," said the clerk with
new interest, "just what you do in your filed?" Coolly, without a trace of fluster
in my voice, I heard myself reply, " I have a continuing program of research
(what mother doesn't) in the laboratory and in the field (normally I would have
said indoors and out). I'm working for my Masters (the whole darned family)
and already have four credits (all daughters). Of course the job is one of
the most demanding in the humanities (any mother care to disagree?) and
I often work 14 hours a day (24 is more like it). But the job is more
challenging than most of the run-of-the-mill careers and the rewards are
in satisfaction rather than just money.
There was an increasing note of respect in the clerk's voice as she completed the
form, stood up, and personally ushered me to the door. As I drove into our driveway
buoyed up by my glamorous new career, I was greeted by my lab assistants-- ages
13,7 and 3. Upstairs I could hear our new experimental model (six months) in
the child development program, testing out a new vocal pattern. I felt triumphant.
I had scored a beat on bureaucracy. I had gone down on the official records as
someone more distinguished and indispensable to mankind than "just another...."
Home....what a glorious career. Especially when there is a title on the door.
My mom taught me to APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE-
"If you 're going to kill each other, do ti outside, I just finished cleaning!
My mom taught me RELIGION-
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet"
My mom taught me about TIME TRAVEL-
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knowck you into the middle
of next week!"
My mom taught me LOGIC-
"Because I said so, that's why."
My mom taught me FORESIGHT-
"Make sure you wear clean underwear in case you are in an accident."
My mom taught me IRONY-
"Keep laughing and I will give you somehting to cry about."
My mom taught me about he science of OSMOSIS-
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"
My mom taught me about STAMINA-
"You will sit there till all that spinach is finished."
My mom taught me about WEATHER-
"It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."
My mom taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS-
"If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you, would you
listen then?"
My mom taught me about HYPOCRISY-
"If I have told you onec, I have told you a million times...Don't
Exaggerate!!!!"
My mom taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE-
"I brought you into this world and I can take you out."
My mom taught me about ENVY-
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't
have wonderful parents like you do!"
My mom taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION-
"Stop acting like your father!"
