The Television Transcript Project
Ellen
Written by: David Walpert
It's a Gay, Gay, Gay, Gay World!


Episode #17 in fifth season (episode #104). Original Air date: 25 February 1998.

Synopsis: Have we all been living in a very strange dream world?

Directed by Gil Junger.

Braces {} enclose unclear speech.

The Cast
Character Actor
ELLEN MORGANEllen DeGeneres
PETERPatrick Bristow
SPENCE KOVAKJeremy Piven
AUDREY PENNEYClea Lewis
PAIGE CLARKJoely Fisher
JOE FARRELLDavid Anthony Higgins
HARVEY FIERSTEINHarvey Fierstein
GEORGENeil Flynn
CINDYLee Everett
DORIS (1st "Mom")Bunny Summers
MOM (#2)Jo Farkas
POPCharles Stevenson
STRAIGHT WOMANJennifer Palmer

When I printed this, it took 23 pages.

Transcribed via VCR tape and microcassette.


[Title with brief music: Chair in yard, guitar leaning on it.]
[SPENCE and ELLEN walk into a corner store, chatting. He sounds like he's got a stuffy nose.]

SPENCE
Don't you think a Bug Bomb is a bit excessive?

ELLEN
{My thought,} Well, my first thought was to lure all the ants into the living room an' then, burn the house down.

[SPENCE chuckles. They look behind them at the PROPRIETORS arguing. (It's a mom and pop operation, she's short, fat, with frizzy red hair, he's thin and graying, wears reading glasses. The store's shelves are sparse metal frames.]

POP
You've done it again, Doris. You put the taco chips with the onion dip.

DORIS
What the hell difference does it make?!

POP
Well, you don't use taco chips with onion dip -- they go with the salsa! The crinkle chips go with onion dip!

DORIS
[pause, angry deadpan] What chip goes with, "go to hell."

POP
Oo.

ELLEN
[remarking to SPENCE] Wow. I guess they call it "Mom and Pop" because Mom's going to "pop" him one any second.

SPENCE
Yeah.

[A couple (GEORGE and CINDY) has walked in and notices them from the next aisle.]

GEORGE
[recognizing SPENCE] Ko-vak!

SPENCE
Hey! George, you're ya doin'? Cindy?

CINDY
[over him] --Hiii!--

SPENCE
Nice to see -- this is Ellen. My cousin.

CINDY
Hi.

ELLEN
Hello.

SPENCE
George runs the E.R.

ELLEN
[friendly quipping] Oh! Of course you do -- I've saw on--on--on T.V., I've seen you on T.V.!
[acting confidential, to SPENCE] Yeah, he's also Batman.

SPENCE
Oh, yeah.

GEORGE
[amused] You are a pip. She's a pip, isn't she, Cindy?

CINDY
[amused] Yeah. You know who you should set Ellen up with?

SPENCE
Who's that.

CINDY
Scott, Marcus.

SPENCE
Uh!

ELLEN
Ohhh, well, that'd be somethin', but I'm in a relationship.

SPENCE
Yeah. And besides, she's gay.

[ELLEN gives him a look.]

GEORGE
[pause, acting nice, uncomfortable] So you're gay?

SPENCE
Yeah.

ELLEN
Yeah. Yes, I am. Hey, Spence, are you still carryin' around my dental records, 'cause maybe you could share those with them also.

GEORGE
How about that? Did you hear that, honey?
[smiling whisper] Ellen's gay.

CINDY
[pause, uncomfortable, friendly smile] She sure is!

SPENCE
[looking over shoulder for distraction] Look at the, taco chips with the onion dip. Lookit. [goes to chips]

CINDY
You know -- you'd be a good person to ask this.. Was Liberace really buried with his piano..

ELLEN
Yeah. I, I'm not really sure, but tomorrow, when I have lunch with Elton John, I'll ask him.

GEORGE
[interested, serious] Hey wait. Here is something that I bet you can help us with: can we hang burgundy drapes.. in a room with gray walls..

(SPENCE is back and makes a tired look.)

CINDY
[wryly friendly] You'll have to excuse him, Ellen! Uh! [smiling to GEORGE] That's something you would ask a gay, man.

(ELLEN just patiently, wryly looks away.)

GEORGE
Who do you like in the Dinah Shore Open?


[time: 2:07]
[Commercial Break]
[GEORGE and CINDY are still talking to SPENCE and ELLEN in the corner market but are leaving.]

GEORGE
[polite, friendly] It was nice meeting you.

ELLEN
Weeell, nice meeting you too, George. An' I'm sorry I couldn't answer that carburetor question.

SPENCE
[chuckles] Okay.
See you later, George.

GEORGE
{Okay.}

SPENCE
[embarrassed, nice] A, couple o' clowns, uh? Huh.

ELLEN
Yeah. You know, maybe if you hurry, you could jump in the tiny car with them.

SPENCE
Yeah.
I -- I'm sorry about tellin' 'em you're gay. I didn't uh--

ELLEN
Wha-- is that the most, Interesting thing you could think to mention about me? I mean, ih--ih--have I been collecting stamps for nothing?
Look. I -- I told him I was in a relationship, that's all he needed to know -- you saw how they reacted. Like I was some kind o' Creature at the Zoo. I mean, they were lookin' around for a machine to get fifty cents worth o' Lesbian food.

SPENCE
[a little weary] Yeah-- yeah, I thought that the whole point about coming out, was to come out into the open so that people like that can see that gay people are nothing to be afraid of.

ELLEN
[walking with him toward next aisle] Yeah, well, I -- I, I wanna be, uh, out, an' I wanna be open but it's complicated, you know? I mean, it's just it should be my choice who I tell and then when I tell 'em.

SPENCE
[dry] Why do they put the bug spray so high. The kids can't get to it..
You know what -- I think you're being a little sensitive about this whole thing, {I do}-- [looking up a bug sprays]

ELLEN
You don't understand. People treat you differently when they find out. You wouldn't, appreciate it because you're a straight man living in a world that's mostly straight! Be different if you were in a, world that was mostly gay.

[SPENCE has been trying to reach his bug spray of choice, had to boost himself up on a lower shelf, but things start falling, he loses his balance, falls, and several of the bug bombs fall and emit noxious fumes! ELLEN isn't in the direct line of fire from the sprays, but SPENCE isn't so lucky! He's sort of knocked out, has slowed reaction time, is reaching out, but not getting up, the sprays are still spraying all around him!]

ELLEN
Spence! Spence?! Spence?! Spence!


[Quiet, eerie music segues to later. The "Thanks for Shopping Mom & Dad's Market" sign has become "Thanks for Shopping Mom & Mom's Market"! The same "mom" (DORIS) of the shop from before is now arguing with a gray haired woman (MOM)!]

DORIS
Everything is goin' to be ruined, an' for what?!

MOM
This is Your Fault. I tell you, Doris, I've been tellin' you not to stack those cans so high.

DORIS
[testy] You can't miss an opportunity to give me the business, can you? Forty-three years we've been together, an' you've been givin' me the business!

MOM
[cutting] I should 'ave married Sally Lewis.. She knew how to "stack a shelf". [walks away]

[DORIS angrily follows her. Left alone, at the end of one aisle, ELLEN and SPENCE are sitting on some cases of soda cans or something, recovering from the accident. SPENCE is better recovered, concerned about ELLEN, who's just shaking her head into coherence.]

ELLEN
Wha--what's going on?

SPENCE
You'll -- you'll be fine, just some of the fumes from the bug spray.

ELLEN
[relaxing] I guess you're right. Ah! Oh, my god! I'm missing four of my legs!

[SPENCE laughs. GEORGE comes over.]

GEORGE
Heard you had an accident, Kovak--

SPENCE
Yeah, {don't worry, we're gonna} be okay, thanks, {George.}

GEORGE
Oh, we thought we might end up seein' ya in the E.R. tonight after all.. Ha! Well. Come on, hon.

[GEORGE leaves, arm in arm with his BOYFRIEND! SPENCE is calm, friendly.]

ELLEN
I just had the strangest, dream, while I passed out, I. [S: "Yeah.."] I had a dream that -- that, straight people were running the world an', gay people were the minority, an'.. an', you were straight an', Paige was strai-- uh! I was like the only gay person.

[SPENCE is chuckling.]

SPENCE
[happy] Yeah. I once had a dream I was the only gay person.. Well, me an' a young Recardo Montalbon. Fantasy Island, Indeed..


[Suddenly, the camera pans to a different, sparse, dark room and our picture is only black & white: HARVEY FIERSTEIN dressed in a suit, gazing at the camera!]

HARVEY FIERSTEIN
[grave] Submitted for your approval. An Alternate Universe, where straight people are the minority, and gay people are calling the shots. Ellen Morgan and Spence Kovak have just crossed over into.. the nicest part, of the Twilight Zone. Where we've already begun renovations, and are raising property values like you wouldn't believe..


[At ELLEN's that night, she and SPENCE are on the couch, watching TV.]

T.V. ANNOUNCER
[off screen] Tonight on Nightline: Heterosexuals in the Military: Yea or Nay. Ted Koppel interviews speaker of the house, Candace Gingrich.
Also, we'll meet Herb and Jim Stump, two of the many World War Two veterans who found love on the beaches of Normandy.

[Outside a car horn is honking.]

ELLEN
Well, Joe's back.

SPENCE
All right! Pizza!

ELLEN
You know, Spence, uh, you haven't been out with anybody since you broke it off with Raoul..

SPENCE
So?

ELLEN
I'm just sayin', Joe's gonna make some lucky fella really happy someday..

SPENCE
Oh, Ellen, don't push this thing, okay, Joe an' I are great friends, I don't wanna ruin it.

[JOE's gracefully swaying in with a pizza. He wears all black, including geeky, black rimmed, glasses. His beard is short, a thin, carefully shaved, line along his jaw.]

JOE
Hi.

ELLEN
Hi.

JOE
[special, elegant attention to SPENCE] I got your favorite: quattro fromaggio with baby broccoli. I cut the crusts off just the way you like it.

ELLEN
Oh.. Wasn't that nice o' Joe?

SPENCE
[obligatory] Yes. Thank you Joe.

JOE
You're welcome, mister. [to ELLEN] Here's your change.

ELLEN
[takes it] Thanks.
Hey! It's one o' those new three dollar bills with Dennis Rodman on it!

SPENCE
[looking] Oh.

ELLEN
[gets up] Sit here. [sits in an armchair]

JOE
{Oh, sure.}

[SPENCE gives ELLEN a weary look]

T.V. ANNOUNCER
This Series Contains Adult Subject Matter. Parental Discretion is Advised. Strongly, Strongly Advised.

[(The Mad About You theme song comes on.)]

ELLEN
[pause] So silly. Just 'cause Helen Hunt kisses that guy.

[PAIGE and AUDREY come out from the bedroom. PAIGE has her hair short and softly spiked out. She wears a leather jacket, tee shirt, and jeans. She's wry, and suavely butch, just finishing buttoning up the back of AUDREY's dress. AUDREY giggles and holds PAIGE's hand. (Today's Audrey-wear: a sleeveless, pink dress.)]

AUDREY
Oh, goody! Joseph's here with a Pizzaaaaaa!

PAIGE
[wry] Finally. This one can't get it on when she's hungry.

AUDREY
[sitting in armchair with PAIGE] Oh, sweetie, you are insatiable!

PAIGE
[appreciative, runs finger on A's arm] What can I say, Audrey, I can't get enough of your fine stuff.. [(AUDREY appreciatively touches P's nose)]

SPENCE
You know what, El, we can't have any pizza 'cause we gotta go furniture shoppin'. Remember?

ELLEN
[indulgent] Ohhh, that's right, we're goin' to "Straight Town" to buy a Barkalounger for Spence. [AUDREY's making a look of distaste]

SPENCE
[resistant] Ohhhh.
Do we have to go there?

ELLEN
Well, where else can you find a chair with a cup holder in the armrest?

[The doorbell just rang and ELLEN gets up to get it.]

JOE
[hand on SPENCE's knee] Bye Spence..

ELLEN
[opens door] Hey, hey, Peter.

PETER
Hi. So. Ready for our little, field trip to boys 'n' girls' town?

SPENCE
Oh, god.. You know what, I -- I -- I'm just not so sure about it. Eh--

ELLEN
What is your problem with straight people?

SPENCE
[defensive, uncomfortable] I don't have a problem with straight people, I just, I haven't been to straight town in a while. Not since my fraternity was theeere, an' they held down straights an' gave them decent haircuts.

PETER
[stern, uncomfortable] Spence. We really have to be more tolerant. "Stiff Wrists" have made huge contributions to society..

ELLEN
Yeah. You know there's even a rumor that John F. Kennedy was straight?


[Straight Town that night. A mellow, old brick town feeling. Straight couples are out in the open. A bicycle for two goes by. ELLEN, PETER, and SPENCE are standing by a big plant, looking around them. They see and react to a couple with their stroller and baby. Another straight couple walks by, arm in arm. (The music is quiet and genteel, but ominous: Twilight Zone spooky.) ELLEN and PETER are smiling, gawking, uncomfortable. SPENCE is uncomfortable, looking down. They aren't reacting big, PEOPLE don't seem to notice them.]

ELLEN
[nudging] Come on. Okay.

[The three self-consciously walk along down the sidewalk. Stores as they go by: a barber shop and a bagel shop.]

ELLEN
[uncomfortable] We're standing out like sore thumbs. Walk straighter.

[ELLEN does a vogue-y walk, PETER and SPENCE walk macho smooth, like Elvis.]

PETER
I like to think of myself as a liberal, but, I am feeling very "Oog"-y.

ELLEN
I think it's fascinating. Men in hardware stores.. Women getting manicures. Up is down, down is up!

SPENCE
[disapproving, uptight] Yeah. {Looks like} a freak show!

ELLEN
Oh, dear god.

[ELLEN is looking in a window: "Art Gallery."]

PETER
[put off] Uh! Is this their idea of art? A painting of a little boy kissing a little girl?

SPENCE
That's not art, that's pornography.

ELLEN
[appalled] Who is this Norman Rockwell anyway?

SPENCE
[calmly adamant] I can't take it anymore. I'm gonna get out o' here.

ELLEN
Well, we'll come with you.

SPENCE
No, no, I gotta go to the hospital anyway.

PETER
W--what about your chair?

SPENCE
I don't need it. From now on, I'm gonna park my butt where god intended it: on another man's lap. [leaves]

[PETER is amazed at SPENCE, watches him. ELLEN looks on, too, sympathetic. They slowly stroll on, looking ahead at SPENCE leaving.]

PETER
[pause] Whoa.. I had no idea Spence was such a Hetero-phobe.

ELLEN
Well, he's lived a very sheltered life. San Francisco, Greenwich Village.. Key West.

PETER
[stops] Oh! Thank god, a bar. I could really use a strong drink.

ELLEN
Okay, but in this neighborhood, they're not gonna know how to make Pink Squirrels.


[They're nervous going over to the bar. PETER is panicking. They come around the bar and sit at the end.]

PETER
[upset] I can't believe, that woman back there, just came up to me and started talking to me!

ELLEN
Peter, she was a waitress..

PETER
Yeah, tell me, Ellen.. Do you think I give off a.. Straight, vibe?

ELLEN
I don't know, it's hard to say. If you want, I'll act like your girlfriend.

[ELLEN tosses her hair, lightly laughs and giddily swoons for him: she's the idealized air head! They're having fun with it.]

ELLEN
How was that? Was that pretty good?

PETER
[amused] Uh. Maybe a little too good. Ha ha.
[tough, puts arm around her neck, deep, suave voice] Baby. Uh-huh? [laughs]

ELLEN
[amused, still nervous] Ah. Hey, we should dance.

PETER
Okay. Oh! Oh my god! You mean us, together?

ELLEN
Yeah. Hey. You could lead. [snicker] Come on.

PETER
[amused, urgent] If I start to crack up, you pinch me.

ELLEN
[getting up, amused] Okay!

PETER
Okay!

[They get out where people are dancing, just slightly groove, barely moving, laughing together and embarrassed. The song is Huey Lewis and the News' "The Heart of Rock & Roll."]

[They slowly get into it, grooving and moving to it expressively. The other PATRONS stop and watch them! (Variously intrigued, leery, and watching to learn.)]

PETER
[suddenly notices, self-conscious] Ellen. Ellen? Everybody's staring at us. Why?

ELLEN
Oh. Maybe we're dancing on the beat.
Dance straighter.

[They both tone it way down, get serious expressions, dance off-beat, hardly moving again, but jerking. PATRONS return to their own dancing, which was and is similar to theirs! One STRAIGHT WOMAN stands by and wistfully smiles.]

PETER
[worried] Oh my god!
Ellen, I think this woman.. is smiling at me.

ELLEN
[urgent] Hey! This man's taken! Find your own hunk o' beef! [resting her body strangely, suggestively on PETER's chest!]

STRAIGHT WOMAN
I'm not interested in your boyfriend. That is the Man I want..

[They turn. It's SPENCE she's talking about! He's seated at a table, has a beer hat on! A tank top wearing, semi-buxom WOMAN comes over and sits on his lap and they relishingly kiss! ELLEN and PETER are aghast! (Brief haunting, dramatic tone segues to commercial.)]


[time: 9:32]
[Commercial Break]
[(Dramatic, anxious music continues.) ELLEN and PETER are looking on at SPENCE necking with the WOMAN on his lap.]

ELLEN
I, I don't believe this. I mean there's no way Spence can be straight.
He's just going through some weird, experimental hat phase.

PETER
Yeah. Yeah, I'm sure. That's probably what it is.
Well, uh, I -- I need to go meet Barrett. Kiss him until the world makes sense again. [rushes away]

[ELLEN slowly walks up to SPENCE.]

ELLEN
Hey, Spence.

SPENCE
[notices, jerks, shoving WOMAN away] El! El, what're you -- excuse me-- El! I was doing a, look at that. I was, that was Research for the Abnormal Psychology Department at the hospital. Thank you. Excellent work. Yeah.

(The WOMAN was leaving anyway, seeing his state.)

ELLEN
Spence.

SPENCE
Wow.

ELLEN
You don't have to lie to me.

SPENCE
I'm not lying.

ELLEN
[pause] The hat.

[SPENCE is embarrassed. He stalls, slowly taking the hat off, puts it on the table.]

SPENCE
[admitting, sad] It's true.. I'm straight.. I'm as straight as Lloyd Bridges..

ELLEN
Are you sure about this?

SPENCE
I've known about this ever since we were little..

ELLEN
You know, you were the only little boy who didn't get upset when Paul McCartney married Joe Namath..

SPENCE
Do you hate me..

ELLEN
[calm, serious] No. I love you, no matter what you are, I support you. I want you to know that.

SPENCE
[quiet, relieved] God! This is such a relief! Thank you for being so great!

ELLEN
You're my cousin. And what makes you happy, makes me happy.

SPENCE
[chuckling in relief] Ah! That's a re--

ELLEN
[wry, friendly, uncomfortable] Apparently that includes, kissing women.

SPENCE
[chuckles, happy, relieved] It's so, I -- it's -- it's so great to talk about! Just to say it out loud! "I li-- I like girls." "I looove the ladies!"

ELLEN
[rolling eyes, uncomfortable] Oh! You're, preachin' to the choir! Here, yeah--

SPENCE
[struck] You know what? I'm gonna make a confession, El!

ELLEN
Hallelujah.

SPENCE
Just you allowin' me to be so honest, I'm just, I'm gonna come out!

ELLEN
Really..

SPENCE
[earnest] Yeah! Tomorrow night at my birthday party, I'm gonna tell everybody an' I -- I -- I just wanna know that you're gonna be behind me, that you're gonna be there for me.

ELLEN
[relaxed, philosophical] Ohhh. Well, it's like President Madonna said,
"What you need, is a big strong hand, to lift you to higher ground."


[The next day (the day of the party), at ELLEN's house. JOE is in the kitchen, playing guitar. Like earlier, he wears black rimmed glasses, all black suit and black tee-shirt. He's playing a wistful, wandering, folk type of melody. ELLEN's getting snacks ready.]

ELLEN
That sounds pretty good, Joe!

JOE
Oh! Thank you! I want Spence's birthday to be special, so I'm writing him a love song.

ELLEN
Ooo-- uh -- bad idea.

JOE
Why?!

ELLEN
Uh, Spence, hates love songs. It'd be ironic if he loved hate songs, but he doe'n't.

JOE
Spence loves all types of music.
[strumming and singing] "Oh, give me a home, with Spence an' me-eee alone, oh, never was there su-uch a mensch. Our life will be right, with good lovin' each night, and our kisses will always be french. Oh--"

ELLEN
[stops him] That's pretty. But um, I -- you know -- maybe Spence, likes his music uh, from a, different kind of, instrument. [pause, meaningfully winks]

JOE
[winks big, amused] Oh, okay!

ELLEN
--Yeah?--

JOE
[chuckles] I see.

ELLEN
--Yeah?--

JOE
I've got a, banjo tuned as well.

ELLEN
--No--

JOE
[singing] "Oh Spence, Kovak! Why don't you {comfort} me?"--

ELLEN
Okay, no. Um. No. I think, maybe you shouldn't come on so strong.

JOE
Oh! I get it. The Coffee Boy, isn't good enough for your Doctor Cousin! [leaves in a flutter]

[PETER comes in from another interior door.]

ELLEN
Peter, I am really nervous about this. Spence is gonna tell everybody tonight that he's straight.

PETER
Oo. Is that a good idea.

ELLEN
I don't know, but it's his decision and we should support it.

(They're going into the living room with the snacks. JOE is gone.)

PETER
Of course!
In fact, I know a lot of straight men I could set him up with.
[(ELLEN holds his arm, looking at him)]
[it hits him] Oh-- women!
Uh! Straight. Women!

ELLEN
Yeah.

PETER
[dismayed] Boy, this is gonna be tough!

ELLEN
Yeah.

PETER
[heading for kitchen] Oo.

SPENCE
[comes in] Hey, El.

[SPENCE is wearing a white tee-shirt with a '50's style pin-up girl drawing on it, with text: "Official Bikini Inspector."]

ELLEN
Hey, ya big, lug! [soft punch to his arm]

SPENCE
Ow! Ha uh!

ELLEN
Sorry.

SPENCE
That's all right. All this new-found freedom is makin' me feel bullet-proof.

ELLEN
Good.

SPENCE
Guess who's inviting more people to the party tonight?

ELLEN
Guess who's gonna make a beer run. Huh. Who'd you invite--

SPENCE
[determined, excited] All my co-workers, the guys from the opera club. Everybody. I'm gonna tell everyone tonight!

ELLEN
Oh, ah, ya-- look, Spence. I'm proud of ya, you know, an' I think it's great that you wanna be honest with everybody but -- eh -- maybe just telling, everybody all at once isn't the best way.

SPENCE
Hey. "I'm Straight, it's Great, get used to it."
And, the way you took it, has given me strength to do it -- that's why I'm comin' out!

ELLEN
Okay, well, yeah, but maybe not everybody is gonna react the way I did, you know? I mean, remember that film they showed us in junior high?
"Straight Billy"? "Portrait of Shame"?

SPENCE
[looking down] Yeah..
[considers doubtfully]
[nevertheless determined] El, you have nothing, to worry about. I would'nt--

ELLEN
[doubtful] All right--

[AUDREY and PAIGE arrive through the front door. (Both are wearing the same clothes as earlier.)]

AUDREY
Knock, knock!

SPENCE
[gesturing at ELLEN to them] Okay, I'm gonna prove it to you. [to A and P] Hey, you guys, come on in! Have a seat. [to E] Watch this.

JOE
[comes in, anxious to please] Hey there, birthday boy.

ELLEN
--Ohhh--

[AUDREY and PAIGE are seated and listening. PETER has also come back in.]

AUDREY
[friendly] What's up, Spencer?

ELLEN
[anxiously] Well, Spence is gonna, make a little announcement, that we're all gonna hear, an' then, react calmly to.

SPENCE
[butterflies in stomach] Yeah.
All right, I have some great news, an' it's something that I've wanted to tell you guys for a very loong, long-long, long-long time. Heh.. I'm straight.

[Everyone's silent for a moment, taking this in. Then JOE runs out, upset.]

AUDREY
Well.. I, for onnne.. think it's super. [gets up and hugs him]

SPENCE
[hugging AUDREY, saying to ELLEN and himself] Okay? Look at that.. Right there, huh? You see how easy that was?

PAIGE
[jumps up, testy, almost hostile] Get your Meaty Paws off o' her.

SPENCE
Oh. Easy, Paige, this is platonic.

PAIGE
Ha ha. Right. I know how yooou, people operate.

SPENCE
No no no. Hold on a second. Just because I'm straight does not mean that I like aaaall, women.

PAIGE
Ha!--Oh! You mean to tell meee, that when you an' I were in the shower together at the gym, you weren't, "checkin' me out"?

[SPENCE is ashamed, humbly looks down.]

AUDREY
Ew!

[AUDREY and PAIGE move away, talking between themselves.]

ELLEN
Uh.. Cou-- ah.. Well, Spence, uh.. [motioning to PETER]
Spence, look who it, look who it is! It's your Old Pal, Peter an' everything is exactly as it, it used to be -- yuh -- correct? Right?

PETER
[uncomfortable] Oh, ya-- uh.
[nervous but stepping up to plate] Spence? I -- I want you to know that I am your friend, and I will always support you.

SPENCE
Thank you.

PETER
And I -- I also want you to know that you're, always welcome in my home.

SPENCE
Okay?

PETER
Just park in back.

[SPENCE humbly shakes his head to say that's inappropriate.]

PETER
Oo! Uh, well -- um -- oh. One time someone parked a mini van in front o' the house an' the neighbors called the cops.
[at a loss] Ohhh! Uh.
[makes a friendly fist -- and so does SPENCE -- knocks it on SPENCE's fist] Guh-- Hey! Ha ha.
[bounces his fist all over SPENCE's stationary one] Yo! [nervously walks away]


[SPENCE cautiously goes into the kitchen, where JOE is broken up, sadly strumming on his guitar. SPENCE is wry and patient about it.]

JOE
[half singing, mourning] "Ohhh, Spence. Come back. Oh, don't you cry for me--"
[he's too upset, the note was bad, he tries again] "me." "me."

SPENCE
[sits near him, pause] Hi..

JOE
Hey..

SPENCE
Look, Joe I -- I just want you to know that it's not--

JOE
Just one night, that's all I ask of you--

SPENCE
Oh. Joe--

JOE
Just so you can see what you're missing, just One Night--

SPENCE
No, no, hey, listen, it's not gonna happen!

JOE
[begs] Just One Night!

SPENCE
Listen to me, ya can't. [(JOE looks down)]
Well, we could be Great Friends, though.

JOE
[pause, that's not enough] Sure we can.

SPENCE
[pause, patient] Are we still on for antiqueing on Saturday?

JOE
Wouldn't you rather go to the monster truck rally with your, girlfriend? [rushes out]

[SPENCE puts his hands in the air, he's overwhelmed. ELLEN comes in. The doorbell rings at the same time.]

ELLEN
How'd it go?

SPENCE
Oh, wow! Not too good. It's a lot harder than I expected, El, you were right.

ELLEN
[sits, calm] Well, you gotta keep in mind, Stove Top Stuffing did not replace potatoes in a day. Just give it time!

[The doorbell rings again.]

SPENCE
[dismayed] Oh no.. I can't tell the guys from work, are you kidding? My closest friends couldn't take it, I can't tell people I hardly even know!

ELLEN
Yeah, so -- they're your friends -- you have to go in there.

SPENCE
What-- an' tell 'em my whole life is a sham?!
I don't even know what a sham is. Or a duvet. What's a duvet? What {hap-- what's a duvet?} I just. I just wanna go home.

ELLEN
But you have to go--

SPENCE
--I wanna go home--

ELLEN
--But you can't--

SPENCE
--I wanna go home--

ELLEN
--Your friends are in there--

SPENCE
--I just wanna go home--

ELLEN
Go tell 'em, just--

SPENCE
--I just wanna go home. I wanna go home.


[SPENCE is lying on ELLEN's couch and ELLEN is dabbing a towel on his head. He's unconscious but talking.]

SPENCE
Go home, I just wanna go home. I just wanna go--

ELLEN
Spence. Spence?!

SPENCE
[wakes, turns to her] What's-- what's goin' on? [sits up]

ELLEN
Oh! You passed out from the bug bomb.

SPENCE
[relieved, amazed] Oh.. Wow. I just had the weirdest dream! The whole world was gay, an' I was the only one straight, an' when I'd try to tell people, they had the most difficult time with it -- except for you.

ELLEN
Then, did I turn into a really cool goblin an' fly away?

SPENCE
[pause] No.

ELLEN
[bummed] Oh, man..

SPENCE
Anyway, El, I -- I. I know what you were sayin' about people treating you differently. Ha ha. I'm sorry about that. I -- I -- I -- I didn't mean to tell George you were gay.

ELLEN
That's okay.

[Just then, the gang arrives. They are all dressed in Wizard of Oz costumes.]

AUDREY
Helloooo!

ELLEN
Hey.

[AUDREY is the good fairy godmother, JOE is the cowardly lion, PETER is the scarecrow, and PAIGE is Dorothy -- complete with basket and little dog. The costumes are excellent! Everyone gathers around the couch, PAIGE and AUDREY sitting on the couch with SPENCE.]

SPENCE
Okay, this is uh, this is really weird.

AUDREY
You guys missed a way cool costume party.

PAIGE
Aren't these costumes amazing?

SPENCE
Yeah.

PAIGE
[holding up dog] This dog? It's a cat! [looking at dog, impressed]

ELLEN
You have to hear about Spence's dream he had.

SPENCE
Yeah. The whole world was gay. And uh, an' I was the only one that was straight, and, and you were there, you were there, you were there. [amused remembering it, but stops]

JOE
Was I there?

SPENCE
[brief pause, anxious] No!

[JOE runs out, upset!!]


[time: 9:25]
[Commercial Break]
[During the credit roll are two out takes of JOE singing in the kitchen before SPENCE's announcement.]

JOE
[singing and strumming] "Hush little Spencey, my sweet little dove. I just want to tell you how much I love, your ruby red lips and your dark brown eyes, and that outfit you wear when you Jazzercize."


[Second take.]

JOE
"Take me out at the baaall game! Take me at home on the couch! Take me just aaa-bout aaanyplace! Aaall I ask is we get past first base!"


[The End]
[time: 0:40, (total: 21:44)]

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Last Updated: 31 March 1999

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