Why is is never like it is in the movies? Terrorist attack, rescue hostage, fall in love with hostage, hostage re-kidnapped, kill baddie, poor quality sequel? I can't figure it out. Its all so confusing. Got my ass kicked by Ben today on Tekken Tag Tournament. If I still had Tekken 2 I'd be handing his ass to him on a plate. I don't really have that much to say except: women. Huh! It'd be so nice to meet someone special. That way I can stop worrying and pining over Kate and stop obsessing over someone who I'm never going to be with, much as I'd love to. And you know what, I don't know if it'd be any good if I got together with her, after all, its been building up in my head for almost 8 years and I don't think it could possibly live up to expectations. Could it?
And I still can't type her name. Ridiculous. You know what I realised the other day, rewatching Singing in the Rain? I'm not Don. I'm Cosmo. For 2 and a half years I could convince myself that I was Don and maybe even fool the rest of the world. Hold on, I think I'm being a little obtuse here. Right, here we go. Don, the lead, the hero, the main character. Gets the girl and lives happily ever after. Cosmo is the clown. Not a literal clown but the comic relief. The sidekick. Doomed to spend his life making other people laugh to get any kind of approval but never going to be happy himself. You know, I like it when I make other people laugh. Just that one moment where I get a smile, for being me. Even so I feel a little disheartened that that's who I am to people. A laugh. A good bloke, nice to have around. Always makes me laugh. And that's it. I want to be special. I want to be recognised as more than a comedian, I want people to see my depths and recognise my pain. As much as I don't want to be I'm an adult. An actual adult. And adults are more than a laugh. I should be living in a trendy area of London with a young professional girlfriend and drinking wine with friends called Sasha and Clive. Talking about which trendy new musical to see at the weekend. Not sitting alone with a bottle of rum, flicking through a graphic novel. Where did it all go wrong? Look where making people laugh has got me. Alone. I'm angry. No, I'm not. I'm pathetic. Whinging about my life but not doing anything about it, hiding behind a facade of laughter and looking for approval in the bottom of a bottle. I feel like this now but the next time I see anyone I'll be just as jokey as ever because its easier. I don't have to worry about anything when I put on my mask, nothing bothers me, its all a big joke. Make all kinds of social sacrifices just to get a smile or a laugh, obeying the Rules of Comedy at all times just so people will remember me in a positive light. I hide away from anything more serious in case it goes wrong and people don't like me. Its a fucking miracle that I got together with Kate. A fucking miracle I tell you. She got to know me a bit, worked her way through all my layers, all the hang-ups and insecurities, all the self hatred and saw what was hidden deep inside. And then dumped me. I don't blame her for doing it. She told me that the only way I could be loved was to love myself first but I don't see anything to love, nothing genuine. I can act funny, or romantic, or charming or any number of things but I can't be any of them. I can't be anything. I've been hiding behind jokes and one-liners and cynicism and sarcasm for so long that there's nothing left of me. Nothing left of John David Thompson. Just a collection of bone and sinew taking up people's oxygen. Maybe I am Ulysses Denherder, I have no idea who John is or what he's doing. I know I should just accept my lot in life and carry on being the joker and learn to like it, rather than be the joker and hate it. Because if I was The Joker I'd be shagging Harley Quinn.
See? I've started already.
Date: 28th April 2004
Just got a mesage on the forum from Vicci. It reads: "dunno, am i a harley quinn fan? i think i am now. my god i would do her....if i liked women...or she were real. hmmm i need to go sit down and think now."
Oh.
My.
God.
You need to go sit down and think?
This gap represents my stunned, introspective silence.
Prior to the receiving of this message I was phenomenally down and was coming on the internet to write a huge rant about stuff but that mood has completely evaporated. Wow! I actually feel like a bloke!
I like Vicci.
Does she play the bass?