Is it the 17th? I don't know. Well, I'm back in Chesterfield and after about 5 minutes of being back in the house me and Kate were really upset. I really, really didn't want that, I just wanted a happy "How are you doing mate?" kind of thing, but it wasn't. I'm feeling a bit better now thanks to Richard and ICQ and I've had a nice chat with Kate about, well, just everyday stuff but to be perfectly honest with you, it is hell here. I really want things to be cool but they're just not. There's too much in the way of issues I guess. I really do want to be friends with her but I'm scared that she's going to throw a massive party when I move out. *sigh* I hate feeling like this. I want to be happy, I want to be upbeat, I want to be back at Blackburn College again. That isn't going to happen. I honestly think that if I was back at college then things would turn out differently. I might be with....no, let's not go down that road. I think WAY too much about that subject. Where was I? Oh yeah, its the last leg now. It won't be long before I'm gone. And it'll be weird. In some ways, I want to leave, but in others, I know that I'll be really upset on the day. It'll be like that chapter of my life is over and for the first time I don't have a future to go to, to aim for. I wanted to be married to Kate, have kids and grow old together. Now, I'm on some bizarre quest trying to recapture my youth, I'm going backwards instead of forwards.
You know what really gets me down? I feel like I've used up my quota. I've fallen in love with two people in my life. That's more than a lot of people get. I mean, I've met people who I like but I just can't see myself falling in love again, and I don't want to be with somebody I don't love, but I'm terrified of being alone. Where am I going to meet somebody who I can fall in love with? I can't go out and make it happen because I've never felt like that over people who I was instantly attracted to, it was always a personality thing so I can't really go chasing after personalities because on first glance I don't know who'd have them. Does that make sense or is it all a load of bollocks?
Date: 19th April 2004
Hah! Just written an entire page worth of stuff about how I feel, and what I believe my role in life to be and then the Internet crashed. Story of my fucking life.
Its all gone quadrispaz. New life page. Continue from there.