Damn.
Date: 28th June 2004
Is this working again?
Date: 29th June 2004
Well, it transpires that it is! so, here we are again, back on the information superbusroute, coninuing my almost goth-like self pitying ramblings, hoping to make some sense out of everything. Well, what's happened during my absence from the internet? Very little. I am now a fully qualified teacher. As of about 40 minutes ago. Yikes. Me, a teacher, can you beleve it? I certainly can't. I don't really have that much to say on here really, I was just coming on because I had nothing else to do while I wait for Andy to show up. I have no real personal musings that needed in depth analysis at the moment, I'm just far too busy doing my work and stuff. That should read "I've been far too busy..." because its all done now. Unfortunately, I still won't have full internet access until I move back to Blackburn, today is just a freaky occuurance really, having time to spare at unit to do this sort of thing. Anyway, I'll probably have something big to write when I get back, after all, I've been away for 5 years. Which is a hell of a long time. More than a fifth of my life. well, I can make a half-hearted attempt here to get something out, you never know, it might turn into something that somebody can appreciate. So, back to Blackburn, how am I feeling about it? A little bit nervous to tell you the truth, I mean its been great going back for visits but I'm just scared that I won't be happy back there, and that everything is going to be a let down from now on, I mean, its not like I have anyone to come back to, is it? Now that's something I have mixed feelings about. On the one hand, its all "Fucking women. Fuck them. Who needs them?" and then on the other its that whole terrified of being alone thing rearing its ugly head. Which puzzles me as to why I'm not making more of an effort to find somebody, if I'm so terrified of being alone then why am I insisting that I haven't met anybody who I would want to be my girlfriend. I've met plenty of nice people since me and Kate broke up, by I just don't look for anything more than a laugh. Back to that old chestnut? No. Not today. No, I can't really write anything that new or fresh here. Suffice it to say that I've qualified and it won't be long before I'm back in Blackburn. Crucial.
Date: 5th July 2004
So here I am, back in Blackburn again. I'm not too sure what I'm feeling at the moment, I'm kind of all over the place but still, I want to write something up here. So, if we rewind back to Thursday night, me and Kate spent one last night together, just the two of us. (Not in the biblical sense) Had a few drinks and watched some series 4 of Buffy. Why? Because that's how it all started, albeit when series 4 was brand new and had only just come out on video. I had a really good night but in true pathetic John style I didn't want it to end. I really, really enjoyed it you know, just the two of us having a laugh which is how it should be. To be fair, Friday night was pretty cool too, with the three of us, but it wasn't a patch on Thursday when I was truly happy. On the one hand, I'm so glad to be out of there so I don't have to watch the two of them together any more but on the other, I don't know what to do with my life. I have absolutely no plans, no ambitions, no desires, nothing. Zero. I don't even really have any pipe dream type ambutions that I know will never come true, I can't find anything like that inside me anymore. I'm just passing time until something happens. It feels weird having nothing to aim for. I really feel like I should have some long term goal to strive for but I don't and I don't know how to go about getting one.
Still, I am back now and its good to see people again, I've really missed having my friends around me and I'm looking forward to moving in with people. This isn't very good, is it? I'm just forcing myself to write something. Its very hard to accurately describe the feelings of "Huh". That's what it is though - not up, not down, just Huh. I'll try again in a couple of days.