Dammit! It took too long! I've lost it. I've lost that trail back to my old self. I got so worked up about finding a suitable picture of a bull that its gone. It must still be in here somewhere though, I just need to find another trigger like the "woman" revelation of ten minutes ago.
I don't think The Scorpions are helping me.
At least its a start. I'm writing something whilst sober for a change and it helped me in some way, no matter how small. I think that I'll have another crack at this tomorrow, when I've got all night to deal with it.
Wolfsbane certainly aren't going to help. Shit. I was so close to making "a breakthrough"(adopt pretentious tone of voice for that) and I've let it slip through my fingers. A metaphor for the whole situation? No, I can't put my heart in it anymore, its not a metaphor for anything, I'm just being sarcastic. How come something so small as typing her name escapes me? I did it then but was instantly obliged to delete it. Maybe I've got some sub-concious fear of her stumbling across this page although I'm at least 90% sure that she knew how I felt about her anyway, there's just this compulsion to act like I don't feel these things when I quite patently do. Tomorrow then.
Date: 27th March 2004
OK, ok, I said tomorrow but I got distracted by WrestleMania XX and Jim, so it has to be today. Stop your whining. Yeah, right. Like people are that eager to read all this crap. Anyway, where was I? No, the mood really has gone now and try as I mig I can't seem to quite recover it. I do feel blessed though that I managed to think about things coldly and logcally for once. If it hadn't been about feelings then it would have been Vulcanesque. I might come back to this later this evening, when I'm drunker.
Date: 30th March 2004
Well, the exam finished early, it was pretty tricky so I've come to do the only thing I know how to do and that's cower next to a computer, shutting myself off from everyone and then complaining that I'm lonely. Gee John, that's really smart. Gee? Man. I swear that my brain is melting with all this crap going on at Uni, all this absolute bollocks that we have to hand in that I know, just know that people aren't even going to bother to read. I went a little bit crazy yesterday and starting running around in circles and kicking a tree which, to be honest, began in jest. A mockery of how frustrated people are becoming but it actually felt pretty damn good to get something out of my system. What a cheery way to start. I'm so hungry. Sorry, off topic.
Anyway, I got some nice feedback the other day that kind of surprised me in relation to my new page on wrestling. Apparently I put things well. It never meant to be like that, I was just bored and I'd watched wrestling so I thought that I'd put a little bit up there and it went on a little longer than I anticipated it to. I'm glad that somebody else kind of liked though, it gives me a warm feeling inside. I've been watching too much wrestling recently - since Anna's gone and I've been allowed to watch it again I've kind of overdosed. Give it a week or so and I'll be craving it again. Yeah so, I had a really good quality entry a few days ago and then lost it, which is upsetting. I really felt that not only was I helping myself but I was actually doing a good job of entertaining people. Its as if my brain doesn't want to sort itself out and make any connections wth its previous incarnations, so it deliberately distracts me. You know, it'll make me have to find a picture of a bull because I've got a kick ass quote. It'll make me forget that the CD has nearly finished so there's something else to do. I'm hoping that this upcoming birthday celebration of mine will do me some good. Not only in realtion to recreating John circa 1998 but just in giving me a chance to stop, look around and appreciate the good things. Not just moan about the bad things, or get upset. Which has been happening again.
Is it hypocritical of me to still be upset about Kate and at the same time be trying to think about my feelings for someone else? I don't know, and I can't make my mind up about it. Maybe it is, maybe it isn't but its till happening. I'm so....frustrated. I have no idea what I'm supposed to do to make things better for myself. I think I'm starting to go a little crazy with loneliness. I've said before that I'm not good at being alone, I need people around me to keep me upbeat and to take my attention, rather than me paying attention to myself and getting.....downbeat. Is that a word? I'm doing it again! My bloody useless brain getting caught up on insignificant details when I'm actually trying to do soemthing. Deep breath. You're in a library.
So, the loneliness thing. Its kind of my real fear of eternal damnation, and was eerily echoed in issue 28 I think of Harley Quinn, I don't want to be alone. I'd rather be sat in a really hot room with my worst enemy, arguing over whether or not pigeons have faces for eternity than be in a room on my own. I'm no good at conciously distracting myself from things that are going through my mind, I need that external influence. Whether its holding hands with a person you love, having a pint with a mate or shouting at an old woman for being so slow its that other person that keeps me from looking inside, which is never a pretty sight. I've been finding it hard enough to manage a weekend on my own so what if things get worse? What'll I do? I'm actually pretty scared. Pathetic.
Was that deep, or just shit?
Its all getting on top of me - I'm physically and emotionally drained - I have no idea how to fire myself up at all, I have work to do this week and I don't know if I can manage it. Its not tricky, its just that I'm losing motivation. I don't have a long term plan anymore, and I wouldn't know how to go about making one, I'm just bobbling along, day to day waiting for something to crop up and to make everything OK again.
I quit. Nothing else to say.