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Unofficial Vibe #1
If you were to sabotage the XBox launch, how would you do it?
I would make a paper plane similar to the ones we make at Uni in
lectures. This paper plane would be an eye-gouger ie the head will pointy, with the potential to gouge someone's eye if it comes into contact with it. On the paper plan, instead of writing, "Gay lecturer express 1," i would write something like, "Xbox smells like rotten camel testes." Then at TGS, when Billiam is doing his Xbox speech, i will throw a rotten camel teste at his face. The sweatiness of the rotten camel teste will smear his glasses, causing him to remove them to clean. This is when i will launch my paper plane at his left eyeball. The point of the plane will hit the cornea, causing extreme pain. Then Billiam will read the plane with his right eye. He will then think, "Oh no! We can't sell something that smells like rotten camel testicles!" He will then cancel the whole stupid Xbox idea and one-inch punch himself in the face for no apparent reason. -Leg Leg Arm Head XO
Mizar66: Wait, so what exactly happens there? Why do you have to fly a camel testicle on a plane to this cornocopea thingy? I'm confused...
Morts2005: If you had used the word "teste" one more time then maybe...
WDIIA: That's what I was thinking!
PMBorisStoke: In a perfect world a paper airplane would actually be able to carry a heavy camel testicle while it flew. Sadly, we have to deal with gravity.
Survivor: Boo!
Hah! I don't NEED to sabotage the Xbox launch. With a weak launch
lineup, a console the size of Texas, and a clunky, huge controller, Microsoft has done a bang-up job of screwing themselves! I read articles about how MS is pissing off retailers with their demanding conditions and I read articles about how MS is pissing off gamers with their required bundles!
I'll be sabotaging the Xbox launch by buying a Gamecube... and not an Xbox. -Soybean
Mizar66: Your logic has no place here. Begone!
Morts2005: Reading articles...sounds like you've got to much time on your hands.
WDIIA: Reading takes away from gaming! Right to hell with you!
PMBorisStoke: I wouldn't be surprised if in all your amazing reading that you read The Communist Manifesto.
TheBrackenfurHare: I see what you mean! Thanks for the entry! And the! Enthusiasm!!!
Survivor: What the hell are you talking about?
I would carefully select 'dorks from around the world (and possibly from
outer space as well, though they'd have to pay their own way here then) to join my special elite team of Super Nintendo Commandos. I would fashion secret decoder rings for our erstwhile band from soap shavings, Hickory Farms cheese casings, and tinfoil. There would be no less than 10 members of our SNC group, and probably no more than 10. I really am far too lazy to craft much more than ten secret decoder rings. Anyways, after our commando group was established, we would sneak around the world into Microsoft's evil sweatshops were they produce their Hell-spawned wares, and gather up all the X-Boxes and take them to a large, unidentified warehouse that is perhaps or perhaps not in the South Bronx, depending on if you are a policeman and wondering where it is. After every X-Box in the world has been stored there, we will gather our baseball bats and Nerf Crotchbats, and beat the undead snot out of their heavy, cheap plastic casing. And then perhaps burn a few for the camera. And then after that, we shall collectively piss on them all (this may take several nights and many cases of alcohol-laden beverages). Once we've finished and have sobered up, the Super Nintendo Commandos will drown those damnable X-Boxes in gasoline or perhaps hydrochloric acid, and then torch the warehouse. After which we will vacate the premises in high, gasoline fume inspired spirits and go get rejected by girls for the rest of the night. These plans may or may not have been set in motion already. -Jai Deliete
Mizar66: And just HOW would we gather up all these XBoxes without our arms falling off? Explain THAT, mister unpronouncable-name!
Morts2005: I like it.
PMBorisStoke: I don't think think there's an acid in the world that could burn through all the layers of plastic a X-Box has.
TheBrackenfurHare: What do you mean, "unidentifiable warehouse"? What about the stench of disembodied camel privates?
WDIIA: And two, what warehouse could hold all of those X-boxes?
Survivor: I don't understand how anyone could pay attention while you tell them a plan like that...
I would steal all the green goo in the universe. Without the green goo,
the XBox is powerless to do anything...wait, it is powerless to do anything other than suck. And its general patheticness will sabotage the launch for me. I'll just sit back, and enjoy the failure of Microsoft. -OLBAM
Mizar66: You know, that was funny before you made those lame comments. Winner? Ha! NEXT!!!
TheBrackenfurHare: Yeah, the patheticness of the last few lines really ruined it. Sorry.
Morts2005: I approve of the concept of sitting back and enjoying someone else's failure, but you should've stuck with the green goo thing.
PMBorisStoke: But if it doesn't have the green goo then Shredder could come to possess it again!
WDIIA: Oh no! Watch out for the technodrome!
Mizar66: Yup. Gotta love the classics.
Morts2005: Damn straight.
WDIIA: That's Samn Straight, mister!
PMBorisStoke: Ingenious.
TheBrackenfurHare: That was quick.
Survivor: INDEED!
<.cheap shot>I would make it a big box, have an odd shaped, yet utterly ripped off controller, and give it a name that rhymes with Bullocks...<./cheap shot> -NothingMan
Mizar66: We must have gotten a million of these kinds of entries. NothingMan had the good grace to admit it was a cheap shot, so he's the lucky one!
Morts2005: How I love novelty HTML tags...
WDIIA: Honesty+HTML= Good!
PMBorisStoke: Sounds like the CDI except for the rhyming part.
TheBrackenfurHare: "Bollocks." It's "bollocks," people.
Survivor: Bollux! Isn't that english?
I'd put Bill Gates in charge of the whole thing! -Adam
Morts2005: Logical.
WDIIA: Logic? Therein lies the whole problem...
PMBorisStoke: Ah, if only it were that simple.
TheBrackenfurHare: N'no. Bill Gates would make it the most hated and therefore inexplicably successful console.
Survivor: I cut my own hair too.
I would create a rumor that the X-Box will push 100 billion jillion polygons a second. Everyone would believe me, of course, because anyone stupid enough to care about such information would be stupid enough to believe such a filthy, dirty lie. Anyway, every stupid, mindless gamer in the world will flock to the false warmth of the X Box's greatness, putting all their money into it, waiting and hoping for enlightenment when it eventually comes out. They will buy the system along with Oddworld, which for some reason Microsoft is making the mascot of their system (why is that? I know of not one person who likes Oddworld.)They will go home, and once they wrap their hands around that controller... that big, black, uncomfortable controller... they will weep. They will weep for days. Then, after weeks of building the courage to pick it up again, they will dry their tear-filled eyes, and shaking with fear, turn on the system. They will put their trust in a higher power for strength, then load a game. When the game freezes trying to load, it will break their hearts. It will break the hearts of every single person who bought it. They will sit there in a near-comatose state for an entire week while their family is trying to snap them back into this world, pondering why they bought such a system and how terrible it is. Finally, after much deliberation, they will pick up a gun, put it to their temple, and as a single tear rolls down their cheek, they will pull the trigger, ending their pathetic life forever, and stopping all future income for the X Box for the rest of it’s days (not long). -PDFarsight
Morts2005: Epic. That brought a tear to my eye.
Mizar66: But... but... they'll still BUY the damn thing, so Microsoft still gets money! And we all know THAT'S no good! Sorry, no Vibe Loonie™ for you!
PMBorisStoke: ::falls in plot hole:: AHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
WDIIA: Thinking...hurts...*Head exploads*
TheBrackenfurHare: Microsoft getting money versus a viable means of population control (and people we could AFFORD to lose, no less). . .This gets my vote, in a George Carlin, rooting-for-a-higher-body count kinda way.
Survivor: George Carlin kicks ass. So does Body Count. If Ice-T ever gets put down by the man for good, Carlin could get the group back together. I can see him singing "Cop Killer".
I would throwI would slap them all silly, then I would bend microsoft over and... well, you know the rest. -the huge PENIS
PMBorisStoke: No, no I don't. You confuse me, foul thing!
Survivor: You come across as one of those guys that tells everyone that he had sex with a beautiful girl last night, but everybody knows he really had sex with his hand dressed as a beautiful girl.
Morts2005: Damn straight.
Mizar66: That's Samn straight mister! Oh, hey, deja vu!
I'd launch it the way it is, exactly as planned. It'd be sure to fail! -Hylien007
PMBorisStoke: It may fail in the long run, but you still didn't explain how to SABATOGE the launch now did you? You are officially the Communist of the Day.
Lenin: Bastard...
Morts2005: I think he's just lazy.
Mizar66: Good Lord, aren't we all?
And now... the moment you've been waiting for: the winner of the FIRST EVER Vibe Loonie!
The XBox launch is a delicate matter. The first step is to know your
targets. Our two demographics are those that preorder the XBox and then the casual consumer that buys on the launch day.
The pre-order crowd is tough to sabotage. After all, they already ordered it...
The casual consumer, however, is a different story. They've seen the ads, the signs in EB, blaring out the launch date. When that date occurs they think "hey, how aboot I buy one of those XBox thingies?"(in order to predict the casual consumer (usually a moron) you must have a method of thinking like them. In this case I chose to make my stereotypical moronic casual consumer a Canadian immigrant. That works well for me, but different methods work better for others).
The trick here is a distraction. Delving again into the twisted mind of this average XBox buyer, we come across several main interests, these being the following: porn, beer, powerful machines and hairy goats.
The solution can be drawn from this. The day before the XBox launch (any earlier and Microsoft could be tipped off by our nefarious scheme), we make an an announcement. This is sent out over a multitude of mediums, although, as we can determine from our experience within the XBox buyer mind, TV is the best outlet, followed by large signs on the side of the road (billboards take to much pre-planning, and that could tip off Microsoft). They would advertise, of course, a large competition in which naked women ride monster trucks around and try to round-up and hogtie hairy goats. An announcement of free beer would also be on the board. This would be an all day event and there would be around 40 of these scattered across the nation. These locations would be near enough to major population centers to attract a good many people, but would be far enough that some driving would be necessary.
Droves of potential XBox buyers would patronize these events, meaning they would be unable to purchase an XBox at launch.
The numbers of the launch day itself are important for the reason that popularity begets popularity, and those considering the remote possibility of buying an XBox would reconsider seeing how poorly it sold on launch day.
Beyond that, those XBox buyers successfully distracted by our event would be less likely to purchase the XBox later on. First off, the long drive coupled with large amounts of free beer and traffic would drastically reduce the population of XBox buyers. Second, the driving factor in their mind to buy the XBox would be the date burned into their mind. They, missing that date, would be less motivated by their subconcious to shell out large amounts of cash on a product they weren't necessarily sure about. Due to hangovers, in fact, most would miss the launch date not by one, but by two days.
This would lead to poor XBox sales in 2001. Microsoft would then drop the XBox in order to cut their losses. This would be done without costing Bill Gates a single tear as Microsoft is a multi-gazillion dollar company while the entire video game industry is only in the billions of dollars. -Revomak
Mizar66: That's genius! Why didn't I think of it before? I love the way your twisted mind works.
Morts2005: With the goats I thought this was Aero's entry at first, but if it was Aero's I wouldn't be recommending it to win like I am now.
WDIIA: You mean you would discreminate against Aero! You've...you've grown up Morts...
PMBorisStoke: That actually makes some sense. I'm scared. Someone hold me.
TheBrackenfurHare: Get offa' me, Boris!
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