Guess what, I'm a big chickie. Yup, that's right, I got this big belly, I'm "Rubenesque", you know? PPl have been bugging me about this. damn near my whole LIFE. as if somehow the only way I could be beautiful is if I lost weight, as if I have no value until I do. Well. I'm really sick of this crap. It gets wicked old. I WAS interested, but because of the abuse, I was sick...both physically& psychologically, I'd hear someone talk dirty to me or flirt, & part of me was like, "woww- yeh!!!" & then my stomach would just reel. I was afraid of men for along time. because of course, boys, yes, you ARE sometimes stronger than us, & even you fear each other's sexuality..there isn't a worse crime I can think of in the world than rape, & once you have taken any abuse, it's gonna leave you startled & shellshocked for awhile. I had a consellor who was a VietNam vet once. He told me that there's little difference between shellshock & the fear women have after taking abuse.
He said I deserved a Purple Heart, so I got one at a army navy store. I figure I do deserve it.
So, for awhile I just settled for- I'd go with guys I felt were safe, if not necessarily attractive to me. I got into the s&m scene when I left home, because at the time it seemed a way to make money where I was not threatented- after all, I was the dominatrix, right? But it was kinda messed up- you're still at the demand of someone else- there's something real selfish about a masochist's trip. And, if it's for money, you're still whoring yourself. It's as hard to fake hate on demand as love. So, I was gay for awhile, & I don't regret that. i don't think I got into women because I was scared of men. I think all the lovers I've had were unique to me for whatever special reason they had, & there are simply some things only women can do for each other. One thing I DO resent is the seperatists with the attitude that because I also still like men, I was never really GAY, not really. Well, bollocks to you. Gay isn't about politics. It's about who you are loving.
Right now, I have a few ppl I am passionate about, but yes, I am still searching. I'm not sure if a longterm thing is really what I want tho, because I have all sorts of idiosyncrasies, not the least of which is I enjoy sleeping alone in my own bed! I'm pretty much mainly hetero at this writing, but I can't say I'll never have another lady lover. I guess for me the most important thing in a relationship is someone who has intelligence & a similar sense of humour. They're not always so easy to find.
But we shall see....
here's a personal ad I placed in Nerve... I think it sums up who i am & what I want pretty well. Have a look
I can't say as I'm done with s&m really, either. I can't see myself being a Domme again tho anytime soon- I've had to be strong my whole life, & as I said earlier, I can SEE that it's the subs who get all the attention. I'd like to find someone I could trust enough to be sub to. I fancy myself Owned, one day. with a pretty collar with a bell on it... someone who'd care enough to want to be with me, to be in charge of me, but not dumb enough to think that means I can be bossed around. Not a misogynist. Someone who would get that I was his/her slave in the bedroom...but my own woman, as I have always been, in all else.
My alt.com profile.. Like said, it gets hard to find that perfect relationship. Especially when your standards are high. & mine are. I've been thru enough that I deserve exactly what I want.
