Lesson 35

In a marriage, two persons become one (Matthew 19:6).
In order for their oneness and unity to be expressed in all areas of family life, there must be communication between the husband and wife.
It is only through communication that we can understand all family matters, and take a united stand on them.

Without communication, there will be no agreement between the husband and wife concerning the decisions and actions to be taken on various matters.
This will result in disunity, division, strife and eventually breakdown of the family.
It this happens, God's divine purposes for the family will be frustrated.
Instead, the devil will destroy the family.
Therefore, communication is vital for family unity (Amos 3:3 NKJ).

Can two walk together
     unless they are agreed?                                                           (Amos 3:3 NKJ)

Effective communication depends on the godly attitudes of both partners.
Effective communication will be  reality when we adopt the following attitudes:

Instead, SPEAKING THE TRUTH IN LOVE, we will in all things grow up into Him who is the Head, that is, Christ. From Him the whole body, joined and held together by every supporting ligament, grows and builds itself up in LOVE, as each part does its work.       (Ephesians 4:15-16)

Married people must make a commitment to speak to each other about all aspects of family life.
They should thank God for each other, rejoice with one another, pray for each other, and speak to one another on matters big and small.
For this they must make time.
In this way, they will bear one another's burdens (Ephesians 6:2).

Carry each other's burdens, and in this way fulfill the law of Christ. 
                                                                                                              (Ephesians 6:2)

They should not avoid bringing up issue of importance to the family, e.g. job changing, taking a holiday, visiting the in-laws, buying a new car.
They should not make sudden, unilateral decisions that will affect the direction of the family.

We have been commanded by our Lord to love one another, within and outside the family (John 13:34-35).
Husbands and wives must thus speak in love one to another.
This is the key condition to effective communication, leading to a successful family life.
Love is communication is expressed in many ways.

SPEAK GENTLY & KINDLY TO ONE ANOTHER.
Parks of the fruit of the Holy Spirit are "kindness" and "gentleness" (Galatians 5:23).
Treat one another with respect as children of God, not as enemies.
Speak words with kindness and gentleness.
Do not be rude or mock at your partner, or be sarcastic.

The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.                            (Galatians 5:22-23)

Make it to a rule to speak to one another as you did when you were courting.
Do not take each other for granted after you are married.
Treat each other as special persons and with gentleness, as you did before the wedding.
Do not speak words that are rough, unkind, harsh or cruel.
Do not speak words that will hurt others.
Always speak words that will build up your loved ones.

DO NOT GET ANGRY DURING COMMUNICATION.
A person who gets angry with his spouse shows that he has lost his patience.
Anger will always hinder true communication.
When a person is angry, he is trying to say that his wife is wrong and that he is always right.
And he wants to get his way by anger instead of clear reasoning.
The same holds true for the wife's anger towards her husband.

Other aspects of the fruit of the Holy Spirit are "patience" and "self-control" (Galatians 5:23)
Control yourself and do not become irrational or crazy.

There is no need to shout or yell.
Love is always patient (1 Corinthians 13:4).

If our arguments and reasoning are godly and are in line with God's will, we can present them calmly and gently without getting angry.
We can trust God to make our spouse see the truth of our arguments without being easily angered.
We should only get angry with sin, not with the opinions or views of others.

DO NOT CURSE YOUR SPOUSE OR PUT HIM DOWN
In their anger, many married people curse their spouses or put them down.

We should never attack the character or personality of our spouses.
Neither should we criticize them.
We are commanded by God to encourage and build up one another.

Curses bind our marriage partners and hurts their soul.
Those who like to curse their spouse are immature, worldly, carnal believers.
The ones who have been cursed must break the curses, forgive their loved ones, and pray for their spiritual growth.
That is why it is important to marry a godly believer.
However, you will never find a fully mature believer at the age that most people get married.
Therefore, you will find that the married life is full of "surprises." Be prepared.

Meanwhile, thank God for your spouse even when he or she continues to curse you.
He or she is the only one you have.
You have chosen him or her, so do not regret it.
Through your trial and torture by the words of your spouse, God is teaching you perseverance to bring you to maturity (James 1:2-4).

Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you faced trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete.                                                                        (James 1:2-4)

DO NOT MAKE THREATS IN YOUR CONVERSATION.
In the course of arguments, many spouses make threats in order to win their arguments.

To make threats is to try to control your spouse using violence, physical or psychological violence.
A threat is an attempt to control another through the use of fear.
This is a form of manipulation or witchcraft.
It is irrational and ungodly.

All discussion should be made rationally with different points of views being put forth without the use of threats.
We must allow our loved ones to express their opinions without putting fear into their lives.

Does your husband or wife tell others outside your family: "I dare not talk to my spouse about this, otherwise he might blow his top and react violently."
If you wife or husband talks like that to others, it means that you have succeeded in using fear to control your spouse.
You have practiced witchcraft on your spouse.
You have bound part of his or her life with fear.

It is time to repent and bring joy and peace back to your spouse.
It is time to love and accept one another, so that we can be free to speak forth our views without being threatened.

DO NOT BRING UP THE PAST FAILURES & MISTAKES OF YOUR SPOUSE.
We all make mistakes and blunders.
Allow one another the liberty to fail and learn from it.
This is how all of us grow and become wiser.

Allowing one another to fail and make mistakes causes the home to be a refuge of love and acceptance to our spouses, a place where they can grow.
We have not been raised up by God to remind others of their failures.

Do not point a finger at one another over any decisions that may turn out wrong.
Once a decision has been make whether based on the views of the husband or the wife, both must stand together, no matter what the outcome is.
God can work all things out for good if we surrender the matter to Him.
Therefore, rejoice in all circumstances (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18).
Do not keep on harping on the failure or mistakes of your spouse.
Speak words of encouragement instead.

Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.             (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18)

CONSIDER THE INTERESTS OF YOUR SPOUSE.
Where none of God's principles are broken, we should always consider the interests of our spouses and not be rigid in our views or desires.
We must always put the interests of our spouses above our own interests (Philippians 2:3-4).
We must not make decision to please only ourselves, out of selfishness, but rather we should always be considerate of the weakness of our wives (1 Peter 3:7).

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourself. Each of you should look not only to your own interest, but also to the interest of others.    (Philippians 2:3-4)

We can always compromise in our decision making, taking into account the view points of each party.

DO NOT PUT WORD INTO YOUR SPOUSE'S MOUTH
Do not accuse your spouse of something he or she did not say.
Do not put words into his or her mouth.
Do not read things into your spouse's words and accuse your spouse of bad intentions.

If you do this, you are being paranoid.
You are being suspicious and distrustful of the very person you have married.
This does not produce understanding and trust.
Always accept one another's words as they are spoken.
Do not add to or subtract from the words of others.

The husband says: " Let us visit my parents this school holidays; they are old and I want to show them that I honor them."
The wife get upset and replies: "Why do you say I don't  love your parents? We visit them every Christmas. We send them money every month. What more do you want from me?"

SAY "SORRY" AND ASK FOR FORGIVENESS WHEN YOU HAVE DONE WRONG
When you have done something obviously wrong and your spouse points out your mistake, admit your wrong at once.
Just say: "I am sorry. Please forgive me."

Say sorry when you have acted wrongly, when you have spoken abusively or angrily, and when your attitude was wrong.
E.g. Ignoring the guests of your spouse and chasing them away with loud hints.
E.g. Putting your spouse down in front of others.

When your spouse admits having done wrong, you must immediately extend forgiveness and say: "I forgive you."
Such mutual forgiveness will cover over a multitude of sins and keep the love flowing (James 5:20; 1 Peter 4:8).
Unforgiveness and lack of honesty in confessing our faults and sins will create deep resentment and bitterness, resulting in division and strife.

DO NOT BE DEFENSIVE OR OVERREACT WHEN YOU ARE WRONG.
Do not try to defend yourself when you have done wrong.
This only makes matters worse for yourself and your spouse.
Defensiveness is a sign of deep insecurity.
We feel that our spouses have attacked us when they point out our obvious mistakes.
This is not true. It is only our insecure, defensive imagination hard at work.

Always believe that your spouse cares enough for you to point out your faults to you.
God knows about them; you know about them.
So there is no need to hide them.
Admission of our faults before others without excusing ourselves is a sign of maturity.

Also, do not overreact and exaggerate your faults or counter-attack your spouse.
Do not say:
    "Yeah, so I spoke harshly to that sister. Yeah. I am always rude. I am not capable of gentleness. So I am not an angel. So what?" (This is exaggeration).
Do not say:
    "Sure, I have make a big mistake. What about you? You have made worse mistakes than me. What about the electric kettle that you destroyed when you left it on whole night last year?" (This is counter-attacking).

Both exaggeration and counter-attacking of your spouse are wrong attitudes.
Both are attempts to cover up your own mistakes.
Such attitudes do not help us to face our faults honestly and learn from them.
However, God sees them anyway, and desires us to turn from what is wrong to what is right.
And He sends our spouse to correct our wrong acts and attitudes.
Let us grow up and learn to accept correction from one another.

SPEAK THE TRUTH IN LOVE.
Always speak the truth in love.
Even when you are right and your spouse is wrong, do not point out his fault or her fault with the desire to win a battle, or to prove how good you are, or to prove how bad your partner is, or to condemn your spouse.
We speak the truth in love to build up others.

Let the word of God be the standard and judge of all our decision-making.
We must not agree on anything which does not bring glory of God.
We must not do anything that tears others down.

Instead, all that we do must be done for the glory of God.
All that we agree to do must be in line with God's commandments to love Him and to love others as ourselves.
Everything we do must be done for the extension of God's kingdom.

Because of sin, man has always sought to live for himself and not for God or for others.
However, Jesus has declared that "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me" (Luke 9:23).

We are thus to live for Jesus.
We live to fulfill the will of Jesus and not our own will.
We are commanded to die to our selfish desires, and to follow after the will of God.
We must no longer speak or do to please ourselves, but God.

Thus, in our communication within our marriage, we are no longer to live to please ourselves, but God.
We must always ask ourselves, when communicating with our spouse:
    "What does God want me to say on this issue?"
    "What does God want me to do on this issue?"

There will be many times when the husband and wife do not see eye to eye.
In such cases, the husband is given the responsibility of making the final decision as head of the family (1 Corinthians 11:3; Ephesians 5:22-23).
He must not abdicate his responsibility and let his wife bear the responsibility of decision-making because his wife shouts louder than him.

It is a heavy responsibility, but God will give the "headship wisdom" to the husband to make the right decisions.
God will always support a man who takes up his responsibility to make the final decisions for the family.
God knows that such a man fears the Lord and obeys God's commands rather than fear his wife. And God will honor him and sustain him.

The wife should also rest in God's wisdom in putting her husband over her as the head.
She should rejoice in God's provision of a man who will bear the responsibility for many difficult decisions for the family.
Her mind would then be free to concentrate on other aspects of the family life to which her husband would have assigned her to watch over because of her gifting.

Your thought

1. Do you communicate well with your spouse?
   If not, why not? List out the possible causes to breaks in communication.
   

2. What attitudes would you change in order to promote communication, understanding and unity between you and your spouse? Share these changes honestly with one another and so learn from each other.
   

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