La Vita Dolce (The Sweet Life)

Can someone please explain the term 'subspace'?

Yes, Virginia, we can try.

TOP SPACE:
i will start by regarding top space or normal space. This is operational ground zero. The submissive in top space often appears quite aggressive and assertive. They will be hustling their children off to school, organizing their mate off to work, cleaning and straightening the house, sending themselves off to work or to take care of business. They are the Commander of the ship, the General of the Army. Hustle, hustle, hustle. This is a submissives TOP SPACE.

MARGINALLY DOWN SPACE:
This space occurs when the Dominant in the relationship directs attention at the submissive. This may be a glance, a light touch, a small sound or any combination of these triggers. This marginal appearing contact drops the submissive out of top space into a state of waiting and/or listening for command. She stops. Generally she will cease talking even in the midst of a comment. She may stop moving. She will generally attempt direct eye contact with her Dominant to see if he/she has a direction or command for her. If nothing further occurs she will most likely go back to full functional top space. If the Dominant mentally presses...she will generally descend further.

SPRITE SPACE:
Some submissives will squirm and utterly deny that this space exists. They will swear to you that they don't have it, it doesn't exist and they would never perpetrate mischief. Hmmm. Essentially just under or into down space there is a space where the submissive will TEST the Dominants attention, desire and will to control her. She may unclip cuffs; slide out of assigned position - all in total innocence. She didn't hear that command, the blindfold muffled her ears...etc. Note: If she notes that the Dominant doesn't catch her action she will feel he isn't paying her attention, therefore doesn't love her (the mind of a woman at work...ya gotta love it....).

BLONDE SPACE:
Now, as the submissive descends into space her IQ tends to diminish in a progressive fashion. Many submissives will tell you that their UP person is off to the side watching everything. They will feel themselves getting slower mentally. I call this blonde space In blonde space the submissive has trouble with rational thought. Just try to get her to count here...once she runs out of fingers, she's done. If you ask her if something is uncomfortable she is likely to say "I dunno". The truth is - she doesn't know. At this point she is not capable of distinguishing danger to herself, she cannot and will not utilize ANY safeword - it becomes incomprehensible to her. In her mind, she has YOU the Dominant, she loves and trusts you, and you won't let anything happen to her.

SUB-VOCAL or PRIMAL SPACE:
Sometimes the Dominant and the submissive penetrate what I call the sub-vocal barrier. The submissive in this space loses her submissive nature. If you intend to take her there have her well tied. As she drops through into this deep space she can and will get feral. Her voice becoming primal grunts and sounds, her eyes may alter, she will he hypersensitive to sound, light, movement. She will be FAST and very dangerous. She can and will claw you, bite you or toss you into a wall if you are a small man. In a sense she is tapping into ancient primal body language. She becomes a predator barely submitting. If she senses ANY weakness in your control she WILL attempt to take you out. She cannot EVER utilize safe words here. She cannot remember how to articulate human speech.

...and finally sweet sweet subSpace -
This term generally is used to describe a moderate to deep trancelike condition experienced by the submissive. Not only is she no longer HUMAN, she's not even THERE! Colors and sounds are altered, physical sensations do not seem real; The sting of the whip can seem like a kiss, a kiss may become painful, reality no longer exsists for her. The only thing that exsists for certain, is you. Some submissives become hyper-responsive and react strongly to every sensation and/or suggestion while others might become lost in their own little bubble and enjoy floating along in a seemingly unresponsive state. This later can be quite deceptive for they are usually just as aware but unable to express it in words or actions at that particular time. Neither reaction is right or wrong but simply to be accepted and enjoyed fully by both partners.

So what does the term 'crashing' mean?

Unfortunately, or so most of us think, we cannot stay in that elevated state of awareness forever. There does come a time when we are brought back to earth - usually with a crash and a bang. But it does not have to be that way. There are a number of things you can do to help yourself and your partner through this time.

Some people never drop and some people only drop every once in a while. And there are always those people that will claim that only submissives and/or bottoms experience this drop. Drop can happen no matter which side of the toys you play on, no matter your gender, your age, or your physical condition.

So what is 'Drop'?

Physical Drop -
comes from the dramatic change in endorphins, adrenalin, and physical activity that we create in the course of our BDSM exchange with a partner. It is a "coming back to earth" and can be a relaxing, pleasant experience or it can be a shaking, upsetting one. The reaction can quite often be one of actual physical shock for the body has sustained some interesting inflictions that it would not normally undergo and it is reacting to that, quite often in a "fight or flight" type of response. Physical aftereffects can feel as if you are recovering from a day of serious over-doing-it at the gym. You have, in many cases, had your body pushed very hard. Be gentle and understanding of it at this time and allow it plenty of nurturing time to adjust and settle back into its normal pace. This physical drop is something that usually occurs the morning after a good interchange.

Quiet, gentle time, relaxation exercises, gentle stretching, hot showers, long soaks in a hot bubble bath, a nice slow easy day, will all help restore that balance and give the body a chance to settle down from its highly charged state. Be sure to allow time for these little rituals of self-care the next day.

Emotional Drop -
is the psyche adjusting and responding to those brain chemicals and afterthoughts created by the exchange. Quite often this does not occur immediately, but is a delayed reaction that can manifest several days after the exchange when the brain chemicals are finally settling back down to normal levels.

Is this where 'aftercare' comes in?

A resounding YES! Aftercare can involve many things, but usually its the time for reassurances, for intimacy, for holding, administering any first aid that might be needed (physically and emotionally) and is my personal favorite time to engage in sex. The following article was written by Chris M, and i haven't found anyone who can describe it better. Please read:

Aftercare is the last act of the SM drama. It is the culmination, the pulling together of all loose ends, the finishing touches, the final communion between sharers of the SM ritual, the phase where the participants (usually the tops) formally give the fantasy scene a context in everyday reality. It's technical purpose is to transition both players from the elevated states created in a scene back into normalcy, returning to the motor control and awareness they will need to drive home once the scene is over.

But as any good SM practitioner will tell you, it's much more than that. It is the time after the action when the participants come together in mutual affirmation that something special was created and shared. It is when affection and closeness is offered and sought. It is, at very least, the proper time to express thanks to the person who has shared this tiny segment of your life with you. It can be, and often is, the most beautiful part of a scene, and it is part of the scene. To skip it altogether is as rude as having dinner at a friend's house, and bolting once you've eaten your fill.

Aftercare is basic to the planning of any SM scene, especially for intense, edgy scenes where the participants go deep. Play that is physically heavy, intensely emotional, or improvisational, with lots of twists and turns, can leave your partner shaken, shaky, vulnerable and exposed, making it all the more crucial to guide them safely back to earth. Some people, even after satisfying play, may experience "Crash": feelings of anxiety, exposure, embarrassment, guilt or emotional overload. In short, Crash is the SM equivalent to the post-coital blues. And how well you take care of your partner will say a great deal about what the scene really meant, whether it was just a quickie or a deep beautiful bond bringing you closer together as people.

Aftercare also allows some recovery if things didn't go as well as they could have. In a "broken" scene, sensitive compassionate and intelligent aftercare is all that stands between you and a bad reputation. Aftercare is especially important following:

Scenes that are demanding and intense
Scenes that involve new partners or new techniques
Scenes that involve punishment, humiliation or intimations of non-consensuality
Scenes that result in tears, screams, orgasm or emotional release.
Scenes that have been interrupted by an accident, injury, fainting or unseemly act of God.
Scenes that have "gone bad" resulting in anger, or upset, or ending on a safeword (both top and bottom may well need/appreciate some reassurance if this happens)
The emotional afterglow following the SM fireworks is not unlike the post coital buzz following sex and your actions and words will speak five times louder than normal. You can frame the scene beautifully with tenderness and respect, or blow it completely. And just as a perfectly executed single tail strike would be calamitously wrong if it followed a safe-word, a wonderful scene can be wrecked by inexpert, thoughtless or cavalier behavior once the "play phase" of the scene has ended. Bad aftercare (a category including "No aftercare") can do damage that is basically incalculable. It can leave your partner feeling queasy, unsatisfied, or used, ruin an otherwise great scene, or damage the trust and affection your partner has in you, if you are seen as arrogant, uncaring or clueless in that time of maximum tenderness and exposure.

But if aftercare is done well it can double the impact of a good scene. Aftercare can confirm that the scene just ended had meaning and the gifts of dominance and submission had value. It can attach the scene to the rest of your life in a way that it makes sense and is remembered as a good, validating experience, even if it hurt like hell!

The physical mechanics of aftercare.
As the pistons stop pumping, as the breathing returns to normal, as you and your partner prepare to return from wherever your play has transported you, there are a number of simple, mechanical activities that need to happen.

Removing your partner from bondage
Treating any first aid issues that need to be tended to, cleaning and dressing any wounds.
A bathroom break might be in order.
If you and your partner have been standing sitting down might be nice. If your partner has been bound stretching out might be good.
Holding, talking, being together, allowing time for heart rate and breathing return to normal.
Food & drink (water is always good, or fruit juice for a little post scene pick up).
A transitioning out of scene roles into the roles of equal compassionate friends (unless it is important for one or both of you to STAY in role).
Permitting the submissive to return to a state of dress (unless there's more!)
Responding to any physical or emotional needs the submissive may have (talking about the scene, tears, etc.)
These can all be ritualized and preformed with tenderness and reverence to maintain the headspace of the scene even as the mechanics of the scene are dismantled.

The spiritual dimension.
More important even than your partner's physical condition is their emotional state. And unlike the standard aftercare techniques listed above, this process is exploratory and changes every time you do it. Leave time after a scene to be with the person you've played with. For a scene in a one-hour play window, fifteen to twenty minutes seems reasonable, but you may need more, may need less. Don't set a time limit if you don't have to.

In general, aftercare is a good time to move from the more polarized roles of play (top/bottom, master/slave, etc.) into more equal roles of mutual friendship, nurturing, and respect. Holding cuddling and touching is nice, depending on your relationship to your partner. Depending on your level of intimacy, and the time available, so is bathing together, sharing a nap, sex, or grabbing some food, more talk, reading aloud to your partner, a sponge bath, or a massage. Some like their faces touched… But bear in mind that what works for some will not work for all. What seems affectionate and sweet to some may be mushy and silly to others, or inappropriately intimate, if it involves more kissing and intimate touching than your partner is comfortable with.
Dominants - if cuddling is too touchy-feely for you, at least staying in your partners presence is good form (have them sit with you, at your feet, fetch you drinks, stroke their hair, etc.) Some ideas for expressing affection that aren't too forward include kisses on forehead, hugs, holding hands and nuzzle heads, or hugs given to the side holding your partner hip to hip.

Talk is important, and affirmation is your first and foremost duty.

Express satisfaction (or at least gratitude) after a scene. Tell your partner how nice it was. Murmur sweet nothings. Express gratitude and warmth. If the scene turned you on, say so. "You suffer so beautifully . . . You really turned me on. . . I really love the sounds you make . . . you look so great on that cross . . . your eyes are incredible when your tied up... I hope I didn't go too far. . . I'd love to do this again sometime . . ."

Express caring and concern. How did the scene go? Ask about places where the scene seemed to go off track. You want to know these things after all to help perfect your own skills, and your concern will be noted. "How was it? Did you like that? Are you sore? Did the ropes make your hands tingly? What was the best part? What was the worst part? Did I scare you?, Was it a good scare or a bad one? Have you had enough? Or would you like to ask for more?" Your partner may want to talk too, about the scene, about them, about you… There's no way to know in advance. Let them babble if that's what they want to do. Be supportive and listen.

Having said all this let me reiterate that aftercare is never standard and the preceding description, while a sound approach in dealing with new people, may bear no resemblance to the aftercare you need.

In D/S relationships the concept of transitioning out of scene-space may not have real meaning since D/S energy may permeate all aspects of your shared lives. Even between two regular play partners, aftercare can never be reduced to a rote exercise. The bottom line is that no matter how you do it, thought and action must be applied to connecting the scene that just ended to your life in a way so it is processed and remembered as a validating and good thing.