The Milieu of Domestic Discipline
The atmosphere you create on that wonderful day or night when you initiate him into his new submissive role is important. You need to be sure that your privacy is secure for at least a few hours. If you have kids, arrange for them to be somewhere else or arrange for the two of you to get away from home to a private place. It is nice for this to happen at home so you can have a few chores for him to do later. You will have already determined that your husband is willing to submit. For more on that subject, see the How will I know section of this site. Tell your husband ahead of time, and with a serious tone, that you need to have an important talk with him and that you have set this time aside for that purpose. You will have determined the behaviors for which you are going to chastise him and the rules you are going to impose. Depending upon the time of day and what only you know about your husband's body, you may want to have him take a shower before you begin. You don't want your enjoyment of this experience to be diminished by an offensive body odor.
As you begin the lecture phase, take his face in your hand and hold him by the chin and cheeks. Look directly in his eyes. Insist that he look at you. This gesture sets the tone by establishing your dominance. Once you have gained his attention this way, begin the lecture. During this phase it is best to maintain the tone of an old-fashioned scolding, the kind our grandmothers and great-grandmothers really knew how to dish out. Gestures that should be used generously duing the lecture phase are the index finger pointed at his face and the hands on hips posture. It is best if you are able to look down on him as you scold him. If your husband is taller than you are, command him to get on his knees for the lecture. That way you are well above him either standing or sitting in a normal chair. You should address him as you would like to address a bratty child. Your facial expression, tone of voice and language should be scathing.
If it is not in your nature to talk this way, think of it as role-play. That is what it really is anyway. It is fun to sometimes step outside of your everyday personality. If there is a part of you that resonates with the severity of the old-fashioned school marm type, let it out and enjoy your ability to express that part of yourself freely.
It is here that you list his offenses. List them directly to him and make him acknowledge each one and express his remorse. Tell him that you think he needs to be punished for these behaviors and take his face in your hand again and ask him if he agrees. He will! Start with a minor punishment. This may be something that relates well to his offenses such as a mouthsoaping for behaviors that involve what goes into or comes out of his mouth such as bad language, temper tantrums, overeating, smoking, or abuse of alcohol. Or make him write an apologetic statment 100 times or more with paper and pen for offenses that involve poor manners or disrespect toward you. Be creative. He will probably comply without much rebellion, but you'll want to make it clear that any resistance during this phase of the punishment will only "make it worse" for him later.
Next it is time for the main event -- The Spanking. You can read My Story for a description of the milieu I created for my husband's first spanking or, better yet, you can visit The Disciplinary Wives Club and go to the section "Tips and Methods." This is a must-visit site that is also found on my Links page. At DWC Tips and Methods you will find information about milieu, attitude, implements and other information relating specifically to the punishment/spanking aspect of Domestic Discipline. I repeat: This is a must-visit site.
As you spank your husband, your tone of voice can change a little. As your actions become more harsh, your tone of voice can become softer and more understanding. Your husband will, at some point, beg you to stop spanking him. This point will help you determine how long to continue the spanking. If the offense for which he is being punished is relatively mild, consider the point at which he has begun to beg in earnest as the 3/4 mark (It is a good idea to keep count of your strokes. You can count in your head, count out loud, or have him count out loud). If his behavior has been moderately reprehensible, let the point of earnest begging signal your halfway point. If his behavior has been really bad, let the point of earnest begging mark your 1/4 point. He will struggle during the spanking, but if you make even modest efforts to restrain him and keep him over your lap he will not get up until you have permitted him. Even though he may be physically stronger than you, if the tone is set properly he will be in a submissive frame of mind and will not use his full strength to get away. When I am truly disciplining my husband I don't like to end the spanking until he is actually crying. That's when I know I've really reached him, that the lesson has hit home. It also fosters a beautiful intimacy between us. Men do no openly cry in front of others often. When his punishment makes him cry it completes his vulnerabiltiy with me.
The most enjoyable part of the disciplinary session for many women is the period immediatley following the spanking. At this point he is as submissive as a lap dog. He is often crying, is begging you for your forgiveness, and is usually on his knees. Now is the time you can be gentle with him. You can accept his apologies tenderly and reinforce the lessons he's learned with a softer tone of voice. We all have our own vocabulary for this time of forgiveness just as we all have our own way of administering a scolding. I find that asking him if he has learned his lesson, what he has learned, and extracting promises regarding future behaviors are good ways to start the reconciliation phase of correction. Remind him that it was his behavior that got him into this situation and that you do not punish unless he deserves it. Warn him that you will not hesitate to punish him again when his behavior warrant it.
After you have accepted his apology, he may think the scene is over. It is good to add a little to the punishment to let him know that while he has won your forgiveness, he has not gained any power. There are a number of things you can do now. Have him stand in the corner for a while. He is not to move and definitely not to touch his buttocks during corner time. He will want to use his hands to cool his buttocks. You'll want to forbid that. If he does it once, give him a warning, if he does it again give him a slap accross his buttcks. At this point, your bare hand can give an excruciating sting. Instead of corner time, you can give him chores to do if you are at home. You can either keep him naked for the chores or let him wear an apron or something else that is open in the back. You don't want any soothiing cloth against the skin of his butt at this time. Whether he is doing corner time or chores, you'll want to maintain visual access to him to be sure that he is not trying to cool his butt. You can sit somewhere with your cup of tea or glass of wine and read or watch TV or whatever, so long as you can give him an occassional glance and he knows that you can see him.
THE GREAT PART
Now that the punishment is over it is time that he give you some attention. He should verbalize his awareness of and gratitude for the attention you have just given him. Thanking you should be required of him. Thanking you for correcting him serves two important purposes. It reminds him that he is lucky to have a wife who does this for him and it reminds you that you have just been kind to him. Many women find it difficult to punish someone they love in this way. We are trained to be kind and gentle to those we love. We don't want to feel mean or unloving. His statement of thanks reminds you that you have just done him a favor rather than a disservice. After having given him all this attention, it is your turn to have attention given you.
At this point he will want to give you affection. Not only will he be attracted to you sexually because of the power you have just shown him, he will be intensely experiencing the submissive need to please you. He will want to shower you with affection from both a sexual need and a purely emotional need. He will be more responsive to your every desire now than he ever has been. So do with this time what you want. You may want to spend some time just relaxing; having him serve you with food or beverage, rubbing your back, neck or feet while you read or watch TV or listen to music. Later you may want sex; sex that pleases you! His desire for you at this time will not be the mere desire for sexual release that it normally is. His will be a pure desire to please you without so much concern about satisfying himself. This is why you'll hear so many disciplinary wives praising the quality of sex after punishment. We receive back ten-fold the attention we have just given our husbands. In "normal" marital relations we receive back about one-third.
Another advantage of the severe spanking that I failed to mention earlier is that it causes him to accept less severe punishments from you at other times. For instance, if he is using foul language around the house or has failed to complete an assigned chore in a timely fashion, you can simply take him aside for a quiet scolding and a mild punishment such as mouthsoaping, statement writing, or corner time. He will comply because he knows if he does not a more severe punishment may follow.
For more information regarding punishments and instruments, please visit The Disciplinary Wives Club. Although I do not think it necessary for the beginner to purchase punishment implements because household items such as a hairbrush, belt, or even a slipper will do just fine, if you want to buy a more specialized implement such as a paddle or cane, I encourage you to buy it from this site. It has been a wonderful resource for me and so far the only site I've found on the web that is devoted to Domestic Discipline and well-grounded in moral principle. They also have an instructional kit available with tips for both the disciplinary wife and the submitting hubby. All of the information you will need to get started is available for free at their website.
ENFORCING HIS CHASTITY
There are a few ways to go about assuring he does not ejaculate without permission. Some women choose one of these ways and depend upon it solely. I prefer and advise using all three at different times. Variety is more effective because it keeps him guesing and can be more fun for you.
1. WARNING AND PUNISHMENT
This invovles telling or reminding your husband that you are aware of his desire to and habit of masturbating and warning him that you will not tolerate it. You forbid him to masturbate and warn him that you will punish him for doing so without your consent. It is a good idea to get him to agree that he will confess to you anytime he does masturbate to ejaculation. He must also know that he cannot get away with masturbating and that involves regular or random checking. Get him to tell you where and when he usually masturbates (As always, getting information and extracting promises is best done while you are stroking his penis, pausing your stroke when he is not as forthcoming as you would like). For most men the daily shower is the most likely time because it is the most opportune; they are alone and naked. When you have discovered when he is most at-risk, create a routine of checking. If it is the shower , for instance, get in the habit of having him present himself to you immediatley after getting out of the shower. Either command him to present an erection or gently touch him to elicit one. It it has been 24 hours or more since his last ejaculation (and he has no medical problem) this process should take no longer than 15 to 30 seconds. If he is unable to produce an erection schedule him for punishment. If you punish him for nothing else, you must punish this behavior. In many relationships this is the only behavior that precipitates severe punishment. It is important that this be punished because his sexual dependence on you is the basis of your power over his other behaviors and the foundation for all of his other attitudinal and behavioral improvements. It is also othe easiest behavior to punish because it is the most shameful. All men feel shame around this aspect of their lives. Even if he resists or refuses punishment for all other behaviors, he will submit to it for this offense because he has no argument or defense of it. He does not want other people to know about it and you do not even have to threaten to tell anyone else for such a threat is inherent in your knowledge of it.
It is for this offense that punishment needs to escalate in severity and humiliation. Even after a year of this, my husband was sitll masturbating an average of 1 to 2 times per month (a vast improvement over the 2-3 times per week, but sitll unsatisfactory). Once I increased the humiliating aspect of punishment by executing in front of one or two of my lady friends (see FAQs for more on this topic), his episodes of unauthorized masturbation decreased to once or twice a year.
2. SHORT TERM CHASITY DEVICE
Short term devices are those than cannot be worn for longer periods of time because they do not allow for toileting. They are less complicated than long-term devices. There are three primary uses I've found for short-term devices.
A) To Prevent him from masturbating during high-risk times: My husband, for example, is at high risk for masturbating when he is in the shower and when he is in bed following sex without ejaculation. Usually I'll ice his testicles to calm him down, but at times he has still waited until I was asleep and rubbed himself on the bed to ejaculation. That's a major "No-No" in my house! A short-term device can be used to prevent that from happening. When you strap his penis into one of these, he'll be able to have an erection, but cannot be stimulated to ejaculation.
B) To keep his penis out of the way during "strap-on" intercourse: I've done a pretty good job of training my husband to have intercourse with me without ejaculating. It is still risky however. Despite the fact that I punish him for having unauthorized ejaculations during intercourse, he still loses control of himself at times. I enjoy having intercourse with him knowing that he is really making an effort to restrain his orgasm until he has my permission to release, but sometimes I want the intercourse without the risk. At those times I put him into a short-term device and then have him strap on a dildo. The device gets his penis out of the way while still allowing him enough stimulation to keep him passionate.
C) To assure that he treats me well in public: I've noticed that there are certain social situations in which my husband tends to forget his devotion to me and his manners. Especially at certain family gatherings he can become downright disrespectful. This problem has diminished significantly since we initiated Domestic Discipline, but his irritable ego still raises its ugly head at times. The principle here is similar to "Donna's Salute" which you can read about in the Comments section of this site. If I notice any hint of disrespectful behavior from him in a social setting, I pull him aside to talk with him for a moment alone. We go to a place of privacy (preferrably a room with a door). There I quietly but firmly reprimand him for his behavior and have him take down his pants. I take the device from my purse, have him put it on and I lock it in place. I prefer a "northbound belt" (one that positions his penis upward) because it allows for and encourages an erection which becomes his constant reminder of his need for and devotion to me. Sometimes I'll just put it on him before we go out to avoid the problem altogether. One disadvantage for him is that he cannot urinate into a toilet with this on. This can be an advantage for you in that he has to ask your permission to urinate, further encouraging his obedience and respect.
There are a number of these devices available. The following are a few of my favorites.
Leather Chastity Belt: It can be ordered at www.bvpd.com/bd01.html for $72.25. It is item # 1831. I like the looks of this one and the price is not bad.
The Restraint Jock is also very good. It can be ordered at www.mbpro.com. Click on "cbt toys" and then on "male chastity devices." This is similar to the Leather Chastity Belt. It is the one I use so I can heartily recommend it.
3. LONG TERM CHASTITY DEVICE
Long-term devices can be worn for days, weeks, or even months at a time (so long as they are removed at regular intervals for short periods of time ot allow for hygiene and inspection). The use of such a device produces amazing, incredible, and fantastic results. Mere words cannot express the state of near perfection in my husband produced by long-term chastity. We had been into Domestic Discipline for over a year before I used such a device. I had begun to believe that my husbands behavior was as close to perfect as one can attain on this earth. Long-term chastity brought his behavior to a higher level altogether. The magic of a long-term device is that it not only prevents ejaculation, it prevents him from even stimulating himself. Even when you have his ejaculations under control, most men will still touch themselves in order to give themselves some pleasure. These devices will not allow that, and therefore dramatically increase his sexual dependence on you. I have only used such a device three times in the past couple of years, but that is all I've had to. His compliance and behavioral improvements multiply exponentially with the use of long-term chastity.
Althought the site I am about to recommend does not adhere to many of the moral principles I believe in, it does a fabulous job of explaining the nature of long-term chastity and ejaculation denial and gives some good specific instructions. Check out Mistress Lori. Lori kows men better than 99.9% of women and does a wonderful job of explaining how to use chastity.
Here are some tips on the use of long-term chastity that may make more sense after you have read more on the subject.
A) He Should Never know the exact length of time of his confinement. It is a good idea to let him know a minimum sentence either as you are applying the device or when you are threatening to apply it. It is best, however, to let him know you will decide when the device comes off based on his behaviors. Let him know the basics such as tasks that need to be accomplished, the attitude he needs to maintain, and the types and general amounts of pleasure he is to give you. But it is best to keep him guessing about when you will fully free him from the device and allow him an orgasm. You want to maintain your freedom to act on your whims and arbritrary feelings.
B) If you are going to use this device for a period of time greater than a week (I recommend at least one week each time), You will need to remove it occassionally for inspection and hygiene and to offer some reward and encouragement. If you think he'll have difficulty cooperating with its reapplication, bind his hands before removing the device. When you remove it, check for abrasions or skin breakdown and apply a healing balm and readjust the device if necessary. The wonderful thing about such a device is that you can give him a reward without losing any influence over his behaviors like the influence you lose temporarily when you allow him an orgasm. After having this device in place for only a few days, the simplest and softest touch of his penis will feel powerfully satisfying for him. Tease him a little during this time, as if you may actually allow him release. Then deny him, ice him back down to a state that will allow the reapplication of the device, and reapply it. You won't believe the effect this has on him.
C) Some women I've read on the subject advocate never allowing their man an orgasm or allowing orgasm at very long intervals such as every 6 months or every year. I believe the longest you should have any man go without ejaculation is two months. You do not want him to become hopeless about having an orgasm. If you've read my section The Gift of Hope, you'll understand this. You want to make orgasm difficult for him to achieve, but not impossible. In my opionion, that would defeat the whole purpose.
The following are some sites that offer good long-term chastity devices. You can access them from here or from my links page.
www.chastytube.com This is the best I've seen and the one I use. It is secure and relatively inexpensive at $155 with shipping and handling.
You may want to start with something less expensive. You may build one at home (or better yet, have your husband build one) for less than $3 at www.tpe.com/~altarboy. After entering, click on "Home Built" then click on "Cheap PVC Tube belt by Altairboy."
NOTE: As you peruse chastity sites, one thing you may notice is that, along with the heterosexual domestic discipline aspect of this, you will find a lot of interest from the homosexual community. Don't let this turn you off or tempt you to think that there is something immoral about all of this. Personally, I can't think of anything inherently immoral about homosexuality so long as it is practiced in a long-term, mongamous relationship. It is promiscuity, whether homosexual or heterosexual, that is immoral and leads to problems. I remember some of the gay men I knew in college. They were some of my best friends and were very pleasant company. Have you ever noticed how easy it is to get along with gay men. I used to wonder why my boyfriends could not be as much fun to hang out with as my gay friends. I think I've finally discovered why. Those gay friends of mine were probably practicing some kind of sexual restraint with their lovers. It made them friendlier, less irritable, more attentive to conversation, more hopeful about the future, and less egocentric than my boyfriends who probably relieved themselves of their sexual energy once or twice a day. So don't be put off. There is probably a lot we can learn about men from homosexual men. It's okay to learn from the homosexual community just as it is okay to leanrn from the S&M community.
For a concise visual education about the benefits of using long-term chastity on your man, check out the three comic strips at www.janthor.de/cbc3.html, www.janthor.de/cbc4.html and www.janthor.de/cbc5.html. Look at them in that order.
THE AGREEMENT AND PERIODIC REVIEW MEETING
Domestic Discipline is a consensual understanding that is all about LOVE. Excercising power over your husband is your gift to him. Your power over him is your husband's gift to you. As mentioned in How Will I Know, it is best to have a conversation about Domestic Discipline before initiating it. That agreement should make it clear that you have total authority regarding his discipline and domestic behaviors. He must know that it is you, not him, who decides everything! Otherwise, he is not truly submissive and this will not work. Your agreement may be verbal or written. There are a couple safeguards, however, that you will want to give your husband: The Safe Phrase and the Periodic Review Meeting.
The Safe Phrase: This is your husband's way of knowing that he can get out of any scene at any time if he has been taken too far past his limits. It is important to have a safe phrase for a few reasons.
1) It assures you that the situation is always consensual.
2) It assures him that he can stop any situation that he feels may damage him either physically or psycologically.
3) It allows you to push his limits further than you would without the security of knowing he can
stop you.
It is important that you do push and stretch his limits. If you didn't, you wouldn't really be in charge. You must take him beyond his comfort zone. It wouldn't be effective otherwise. You must do so without feeling mean or bad about it. The safe phrase assures you that you have not overstepped your bounds. He may not like what you are doing to him (in fact he should really dislike it) but he should be able to bear it physically and psycologically. He should know, however, that he cannot use the safe phrase indiscriminatey. For instance, he cannot use it to stop a punishment that is merely uncomfortable or painful for him and then have "the game" resume. It's not like that! Punishments are supposed to be uncomfortable and painful. He needs to know that his use of the safe phrase puts an end to the domestic discipline part of your relationship for a certain period of time (I suggest three months) during which the arrangement is re-evaluated. During that evaluation time you simply live as you did before you began Domestic Discipline. Believe it or not, this arrangement will assure that he does not use the safe phrase unless it is absolutely necessary. Once he experiences the benefits of Domestic Discipline, he will not want to lose them.
My husband has never used his safe phrase because I understand the outer parameters of his limits. We've come close, though. It is generally not pain or discomfort that will trigger a safe phrase. It is extreme humiliation that runs the higher risk. Humiliation is, however, a powerful tool that must be in your tool kit. All punishemnt is humiliating at first. He will feel humiliated in front of you any time he is punished. But the threat of humiliation in front of others is powerful. Generally speaking, you'll want to stay away from embarrassing him in front of his family or close friends or anyone with whom he works. You do not want to endanger his ability to make a living. It is best not to humiliate him in front of another male. Heterosexual men tend to see other men as competitors. Thus any punishment in front of a male is likely to backfire and trigger aggression in your husband instead of submission. If his aggression is triggered he will not cooperate with you and you have lost your position of power.
When I humiliate my husband in front of someone else, I like it to be someone he may see from time to time because that increases his embarrassment and thus the effectiveness of the punishment, but not someone who has a real impact on his life. It is risky to let family members in on this aspect of your relationship (and as I've said before, you don't want to reveal this to anyone on his side of the family and especially not your own children if you have any), but if you can trust another woman in your family not to tell others about this aspect of your marriage, she can be a powerful ally. A few months ago I punished my husband in front of one of my sisters. He says that was the most difficult punishment he's ever endured for me. He told me he almost used his safe phrase when he realized what was about to happen, but he decided to trust me. My sister loved it! She said she hadn't laughed so hard in years. She reminds me frequently that she's available whenever I need her help to make Patrick's punishement a little more effective. At family functions his behavior is even more ideal because my sister's presence is a constant reminder. He blushes almost every time he sees her and she enjoys that tremendously.
When you introduce that kind of humiliation to a punishment, your husband should see it coming in time to use his safe phrase before something unbearable has begun. For example, when punishing your husband in front of someone he has not been punished in front of before, don't surprise him by introducing the person in the middle of the punishment when your husband is already in a compromising position. The person should be present from the beginning of the punishment process so your husband has the opportunity to use his safe phrase before something "unbearable" has occurrred.
The point of all this is that I would have never entertained the notion of punishing him in front of someone else if I did not know that he could protect himself with his safe phrase. And that has been one of the most effective tools I have used. I am not a cruel person and I love my husband more each day. I practice Domestic Discipline not only because it enhances my life, but because it enhances his as well. I do not want to cause true or lasting harm to him and the safe phrase assures me that I will not. I do, however, want to stretch his boundaries because if I do not, I am not really in control -- he is. That is why the safe phrase does not only stop a "scene", but ends Domestic Discipline for a period of time. That is enough time for a re-evaluation, and enough time to make him think hard before using his safe phrase.
The agreement should also include his statement of cooperation and some language regarding the behaviors you will punish and the results you expect from this arrangement. It also should give you the option of ending the Domestic Discipline aspect of your relationship at any time. If you find his behavior deteriorating rather than improving with Domestic Discipline, you might suspect that you are encouraging a fetish rather than a true devotion to you and your marriage. That would signal a re-evaluation of the arrangement. You can make this agreement as general or as specific as you wish, but it needs to include a committment from him to cooperate with you on your terms. The DWC Lifestyle Kit from The Disciplinary Wives Club contains information and sample forms if you think you need that kind of assistance.
The Periodic Review Meeting
Once every couple of months, the two of you should get together to review the Domestic Discipline aspect of your relationship. This could be during a nice dinner out or an evening at home. The two of you are equals at this meeting as you review the results of Domestic Discipline. You are both equally free to share your thoughts and feelings and explore ways to enhance your relationship. Expectations can be reviewed and revised. At this meeting each party freely decides whether or not to continue with Domestic Discipline. For him it is a kind of "Speak now or forever (at least for the next couple of months) hold your peace." General or specific changes can be made to the arrangement. The meeting results in either a re-committment by both parties or a decision not to continue Domestic Discipline. Neither decision need be permanent and can be re-evaluated again in the future.