All five of us may have never even truly been a group. Ellen, Liz, Gordon, and I were a very happy, very productive group before I introduced Andrew into it. The other three members of my close set of friends where suddenly finding the boundaries of our group being crossed, violated, and mangled by the sudden and unyielding introduction of my lover. He was a stranger to everyone except me and me in love was a stranger to everyone except him. Not only were they forced to learn how to cope with their long-time friend "changing drastically", they were also forced to attempt to include someone they could not accept into their daily lives.
I broke up the systematic function of my closest group of friends by changing our relationship far too much too quickly. I had unwittingly violated an implicit norm: That everyone must like someone for them to be inducted into our group. Just a year earlier the original three (Liz, Gordon, and myself) had allowed Ellen into our group as a fourth friend. By that example, I had thought that adding Andrew to the mix was not going to upset the balance of our friendship. Was I ever wrong. As my love and devotion toward him grew and took more attention off the group, the group's hatred and feelings of betrayal began to pile up on Andrew's shoulders.
Soon the group of five had broken into two factions. It was "them" (Liz, Gordon, and Ellen) versus "us" (Andrew and myself). These two cliques were the direct result of my friends feeling that suddenly our group was too big and that, to function properly again, they needed to attempt cooperation between fewer people. Andrew and I realized this immediately and felt that perhaps they were correct. Everyone in my former group had gotten the same horrible idea at the same time and we all worked so hard at making our new cliques work that we destroyed any symbolance of group cohesion in our household.
All of us realized that our once wonderful synergy had turned hopelessly negative and was leading us down the road to destruction. For a time we attempted to mend the rips in the fabric of our togetherness, but we continued to violate all of our old rules and regulations without ever being able to agree on new ones. Eventually, we simply agreed to discard our group and try to function with each other on an individual-to-individual basis. I believe we've given up trying. They neglected to invite me to a few house parties, go out of their way to avoid me, and refuse to step foot in my home. I purposely forget their birthdays and ignored the fact of their existence during xmas. Life is a bit more boring, but much easier without them. (written 9-22-01, revisited 1-31-02) |
