Another thing to consider is this: What if you find out they've done it because you were snooping around in their things? How very much moral high-ground does that give -you- to stand on? You did invade their privacy after all... Aren't you supposed to trust them? Maybe the issue of them being trustworthy is secondary when it's someone you love. Also, how much of a case do you really have if you flirt with other people yourself? Especially if it's with one particular person that your lover has already claimed to feel like you "ditch" them for? That seems to mean you must care a great deal about that person if you won't stop talking to them in order to promote the well-being of your lover. Even if you never foray into the steamy grip of a cyber-fuck with this person, aren't you still being unfaithful - just a little bit? Adultery can swing both ways, you know.
Here's a further dilemma: Should one let intentions speak louder than actions or actions louder than words? The -intent- to engage in sexual relations with others is displayed by this online behaviour of cybersex. The moral "loose"ness, if you will. But the spouse exhibiting this behaviour is quick to assure "It means nothing to me" or "I view it as interactive pornography" or something else like that. I could probably think of a million ways to say that it's not important. But if it isn't important, then why the compulsion? That's when you have to ask of yourself... Is it me? Am I not pretty enough? Fun enough? Interesting enough? Sexy enough? or Do I do all of these things often enough? Is my lover bored? Sad? What is their problem with me? You also have to ask yourself What's wrong with my so? Why can't they find something else to do? What is this obsession with digitally screwing strangers? Why is there such a need for even the very -semblance- of such overt affection from and toward others? Or should you just be thankful that this kind of behaviour doesn't spill over into "real-life"?
Is it a bad thing for your lover to be -too- affectionate? Only when it's not all directed toward you, right? Well, let's say that sometimes you turn a cold shoulder just because you're feeling down or in a bad mood... Does that mean it's okay for your lover to turn to someone else? Let's say that you do it so often that they begin to joke about you being frigid and say things like they feel ugly and that you don't love them as much because you push them away sometimes and won't let them do everything to you that they would like to do. Then you notice that they've begun to register for dating web sites and that they stay up at all hours of the night and especially, that they get antsy when you walk behind them during their net usage block... Should you have begun to mistrust them again or should you have tried faithfully to iron out all of these emotional problems they bring up to you while keeping your promise to trust them more in the future?
Should you bring it upon yourself to marshall their usage of the internet like they're some child who has no idea about life and must be protected from it at all costs? Do you really want to start trying to be their parent when it's obvious that you're their lover? Why aren't you considering the fact that they live with -you- and plant to be with -you- forever? Or is all of that muted by this abuse of your trust/love/etc? When do the lies become too much to bear? Should they ever? Are they even lies? What if your spouse honestly does just view this sort of behaviour differently than you do? What if they -do-? You would think that it's worse if they do and just plain sad if they don't. Opposites do attract, but should your opposite be attracted to everyone else in the world as well?
Something else you have to ask yourself is this... Do you contribute to the widowing of your spouse just as much as they are contributing to widowing you? Do you spend too much time away from home or on the internet? Do you spend too much time talking to friends or family instead of your prime loved one? Is it fair to even -have- other loved ones? Many say yes, but do they really mean it? Does your lover really -mean- it when they want you to continue talking to your other interests or are they just using it as a shield to protect them from the pain of their own wrongs? A platform to stand over you on and point their finger, even though you've been -completely- honest about the things you do online and away from home... Maybe it -is- all your fault.
Was your snooping, no matter how innocent, the real thing to blame? Maybe you've never given them time to feel trusted, so they go ahead and commit these acts that slice away your ego b/c you haven't allowed them the proper breathing room in which to bulk up their own? Do you -go- to them and tell them that you've gone looking for something without asking them, but unearthed this wretched deceit instead or should you try to tell yourself "if it means nothing to them, it should mean nothing to me" ? Where exactly must the line be re-drawn if where you've already drawn it in a sandy beach on which high tide is bound to come along and wash away your wishes, no matter how deep the trench you dug? No matter how vividly you expressed your anger and remorse at their actions... No matter how very much it has begun to dead a part of you that might not grow back...
Or is it your fault for exhibiting low morals in the first place? True, it may have been before you were "hooked up" with this person you plan to spend eternity with, but you still did. Maybe you even did it in the beginning of your relationship and stopped or maybe -they- still feel like you're doing it, but havent' said anything and are using all of this as a retaliation against you. You've poured all manner of sordid things into their mind and labeled them as acceptable, so why -shouldn't- they follow your past patterns of behaviour?? But, then again, what if you have reformed? Shouldn't they respect and reward that effort you're making instead of repeating your mistakes -for- you?
There are truly so many things to consider from so many different angles. Any -one- of those angles might be the right one, depending on the person studying them. Should you penalize your mate with dangerously acidic amounts of your jealousy for not having the very same opinions that you do? Doesn't that make you a hypocrite? They don't penalize you for thinking what you do about them even though it's contrary to what -they- believe... Or -do they- by continuing the behaviour no matter how much it hurts you? At exactly which point does everyone's hypocrisy enforce a status quo that has everyone scrambling for something to justify themselves with in the sudden shut-down of rational thought?
Is it silly to say that it might be a true psychological compulsion that needs to be treated? Do men and women really -pay- people to tell them that they shouldn't cheat on each other, no matter how minimal the contact? Sadly, I bet a quick net search would turn up some fact that they in fact -do- do these things. I'm not going to do it because, frankly, I'm not interested in being -that- depressed this morning. If you happen to turn anything up - Please, don't tell me. My rant is over and I'm going to go crawl back into my warm bed beside my warm fiance and try to knock this vile infection coursing through my mind and respiratory organs.
(2-14-02) |
