MY AIDS JOURNAL

MAY 22, 1998

The birds outside of my window awoke me this morning with their sweet music. Nvwati wasn't quite ready to face the day, so I carefully got out of bed ( as to not disturb him ) and snuck downstairs to do Tobacco Prayer.

He met me at the door as I returned, with a look on his face that told me I had no right leaving him behind! *S*

I checked my mail on my puter and was so touched to see so many wonderful letters from new found friends, commenting on these pages. It brings joy to my heart knowing that others are enjoying my new den.

MAY 23,1998

Today begins the third day of my fourth day of fasting. I will spend the day with Nvwati and our friends, Thom and his dog, Darby, on the Island. Today is Thom's deceased partner's birthday. Brad accidently overdosed last July. Thom did not want to be alone today so we plan on having a fun day with the dogs. I am honoured that Thom has agreed to allow me to include Brad in my Memorials. Brad was a good example of those living with AIDS and having a difficult time with acceptance. His fear of this disease led him to uncontrollable drug use, and an eventual overdose. His death was so suddden, so unnecessary. Brad is greatly missed by Thom and by his family and friends who loved him dearly.

MAY 24,1998

Today marks the anniversary of the 7th year of my diagnosis. Each year I write a letter to AIDS. I would like to share this years' letter:

"Dear Friend: Well, we've made it through another year together. A lot has happened this year, some good and some not so good. I've kept my promise to you to continue doing good things for us, such as eating good foods, praying and meditating daily, giving to those less fortunate, whenever I am able to. I continue to walk the Red Road.

I tried some of those new medicines called "cocktails". I guess you didn't like them very much, eh? I've decided to try another cocktail beginning tomorrow morning. I hope this one works for us.

I've gotten so used to having you around, but I know you have not been very happy. I know, because you have been telling me by the symptoms I have experienced this year. Some good things have happened this year, my friend.


I have received many gifts this year. My dear friend,- my Spirit Sister, Laura, will be coming from Boulder to visit me in a few days. We have been friends in the truest meaning of the word for about 20 years. We lost track of each other though, about nine years ago, although she always held a special space in my heart, and I was only able to find her this year. She has not seen me since I was diagnosed, so this visit is very important to me. Important so that she can see that I am still very much alive, and important because my reality now is that I do not know when or if I will see her again.

Another gift I received was this computer, a gift from Shawn, who is my therapist's partner. It has given me such pleasure in the short time I've had it. I've discovered the Web, and with the help of my new found friend and Sister, "Whisper", I am developing these pages. I am truly touched by the amount of love and acceptance I have found out here in cyber world, especially from my new Sisters who are members of the Sisterhood of the Wolf. These are truly amazing women...all with stories of their own, all with so much to offer the world. I am so honoured to have them be part of my Circle of Friends.

Well, my Friend, we have some struggles ahead this year. I trust that we will continue to work together.


MAY 26, 1998

Today is my 46th birthday. I look forward to birthdays now. I have been so blessed with so many wonderful greetings from my new found friends and pack mates on the web. I am truly touched.

I also have a new friend in Bear Grandfather who promised his dying Grandfather that he would walk across Turtle Island to bring about awareness of the damage we are doing to our water supply, resulting in the diseases and deaths of many people. He and I spoke at length tonight and I am so honoured to be able to help him. I have decided to do an "Update Page" on this amazing man's journey.

I am tired. It has been a long day. A good day.


MAY 27,1998

I am feeling very tired today. My body is in pain. I am fortunate because I will receive some Healing from a powerful Traditional Medicine Man today. I will also attend a Circle for First Nations People living with HIV/AIDS. AND, my dear friend, Laura will be here to visit me today. She lives in Boulder. We have not seen each other in about 9 years.


MAY 28, 1998

hey an opportunity!!! i am writing in amber's journal! the keyboard is impossible. literally. it's a hopping and a jumping across the page, without any coaching.

i am thrilled to be here in t town, not to be confused with ptown, that's next week. i am following in amber's footsteps in going public. doing photographs for my book DOGS AND THEIR DYKES.

i have arrived. the cigarette smoke is killing me, but i will survive. here's to 20 years of friendship. no tobacco can touch that!!!! my sweet canine is accompanying me into the den of nvwati and amber, the smoke goddess.

really, she doesn't look a day older than she did 9 years ago, actually she looks much more lively than before. maybe it was the fact that she wasn't having as much fun then, or maybe she was trying to be a non-smoker, how awful.... the tobacco ceremonies are helping.

it's late, the formatting needs to occur, (poor whisper), sorry, i am long winded, even though i hail from the high altitudes. it's is my pleasure to share in the journal process, complete with ((((hops))), skips//!!jjjjj and jumps. this keyboard is a sorry item. someone needs to throw it out this 6th floor window and say it was an accident. any donations? help, the story will never get written, the fight will be won by the keyboard. yikes! must do something about all those wolves.

later, and with love, all is well and all you babes be well. maybe you will source your own creative spirits in the honor of amber paving the way on this dinosaur. thank you amber for your guts. love love love jita

MAY 29, 1998

Well, my friend, Laura is now on the road.......We have been friends for 20 years, but haven't seen each other for the past 9 years. We had a lot of catching up to do.

I met Laura at a Women's Music Festival. We had just attended the same workshop on Spirituality. I was walking back to my tent to say goodnight to my daughter, when I heard this voice behind me yell, "Hey, Amber! Are you going to do a Full Moon Ceremony tonight?" I told her I was, and that she was welcome to attend. By the time I tucked my daughter in, Laura had gathered a total of 13 women to join our Circle. We have been through a lot together these past 20 years: we both graduated from University - she with an Art Therapist's degree, me with an MSW, we've been through several moves back and forth across the USA, births and deaths of family members, my addiction and now recovery.

Laura has a way of making her dreams come true. She is always happy, bubbly, and so outgoing. She now works as an Art Therapist and an Artist (photography, painting, ceramics).

I am so totally exhausted now, however, even though I did manage to nap yesterday and was in bed at a reasonable hour.

She took tons of pictures of Nvwati and I so we will be able to scan some updated ones into this site really soon. :)

I began taking the new "cocktail" this week, and it is not being very kind to my body. I woke up today feeling as though my entire body was on fire. My energy level is low and seems to get lower each day. The doctor says this is to be expected until my body gets used to the new medication. If I can just hang on, the side effects may fade.

MAY 30, 1998

HAPPY BIRTHDAY LAURA!

Today is also the day I married 28 years ago.....Biggest mistake of my life! (That's a whole other story!)

I went to bed early last night. Slept well, but woke up feeling pretty lousy. I've decided to listen to my body and take it easy today. Nvwati will not be able to go to the Island today, as he has gotten used to doing on Saturday's. Perhaps tomorrow.


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