JUNE 6, 1998
I had horrible nightmares last night. Dreamt I was in a compound of sorts with many of my friends. Poisoned gas was all around us. Many of my friends were shot by "authorities" as they tried to escape. Men, women and children desperately tried to get out of the compound alive. Some, knowing they would not succeed in escape, shot themselves. This nightmare was very graphic, very real.
I woke up soaked in night sweat, body shaking with tremors.
From somewhere in my unconsiousness came the following: "In some of my dreams I love with one hand and I fight with the other. In some of my dreams I love with both hands and the fighting is over."
I looked at the clock. It was 1:15AM. I got out of bed and wrote the dream down, knowing that for some reason, it had to go in today's journal. I took a long, hot bath, and then returned to bed, to quieter, calmer dreams.
Last night's nightmare lays heavy in my mind today. Sitting under a tree in the park this morning, it returned to me. Still, trying to figure it out.
I think maybe because I am documenting so much of my life here in these pages, I'm remembering, all at once, the "wars" I've fought in my lifetime. Personal wars against abuse, watching too many of my friends die young, living with AIDS. We all must fight battles during our lives. This I know. Some of us are born warriors...we fight....and we win. Others can't fight any longer. They die.
As a young child, I often wished for death. Somewhere along the line, I began dying. I guess there were just too many battles in this war called life.
A power greater than myself decided it was not yet my time.
My mind is busy this beautiful sunny morning. Looking back, remembering. Sadness over the injustices still in this world...issues I have, and will continue, to fight hard to make right. Leonard Pelletier sits in a prison cell for life...for a crime he is not guilty of. His health declines daily. He is in great pain. Prison officials will not allow him to see a doctor outside of the prison, even though the Mayo Clinic has agreed to see him free of charge. Leonard's struggle, his strength, often gives me the strength to go on.
As Nvwati cuddled with me as I dozed off to sleep last night, I thought of the wolves being killed for profit, in the USA and in Canada. This saddens me greatly!
Thunderbirds often told me that we must listen to the four leggeds, for they would teach us about life, teach us about loving, about justice.
Children, too, are amongst our greatest of teachers. Yet, how many children suffer abuse daily? How many children go to sleep each night without being told they are loved, without being tucked into bed with their teddy bears by loving parents? Too many.
How many children will attend funerals of mothers killed in domestic violence?
How many people need to die before our governments say, "Enough is enough" and make available money needed to find the cure for AIDS?
How many parents will continue to turn their backs on their children......those they raised......because they tell them they are gay or lesbian?...or that they have HIV or AIDS?
How many will continue to turn their backs on friends in need?
Today I am a tired warrior. There are many battles to be won yet. Today I love with one hand and I fight with the other.
Tomorrow, perhaps, I can love with both hands, and the fighting will be over.
JUNE 7, 1998
Today has been a much better day for me. I have not been as emotionally tired as I was yesterday. A friend gently pointed out to me that perhaps these medicines are responsible for that horrible nightmare. Last night I slept soundly all night, awaking later than usual.
Today has been a good day. The weather has changed drastically from hot, sunny days to chilly windy ones. This prevents me from being outside much with Nvwati but I am trying to make it up to him by baking some of the yummy treats he loves.
I decided to take a break today from the emotionally draining entries in my memorial and children's pages. I think this was a good idea
I am looking forward to tomorrow's sunrise, and hopefully warmer weather so I can spend quality time with Nvwati outdoors. He has been so patient as I struggle with these side effects.
JUNE 8, 1998
Today was a pretty good day for me. I woke up feeling rested and actually got a lot done today. I baked some dog and cat treats, did a few more entries on my site, chatted with friends on line, and even ate a full meal!
The side effects were no where near as bad as they have been. I think all these prayers from you are helping.
JUNE 9, 1998
I slept well last night again, awaking in time to watch the sun come up. Spent some quiet time with Nvwati in the park, answered a few letters left in my mailbox overnight, and have begun my day.
I have received numbers of emails as a result of these pages. Some are from people telling me how touched they are by my journey and wishing me well, offering support, etc. Others are from people newly diagnosed with HIV/AIDS. A few from adults who were abused as children who have both, been in therapy and those who have not yet begun therapy. I have received a few from alcoholics/addicts who have not yet found recovery. I have also received some from others still being abused.
Each letter I receive means something to me. I am honoured to be trusted by each of you with your own story.
I'm beginning to understand this cyber world a little better each day. I am beginning to see that there are some really wonderful people out there, who truly care about what happens to others. I am also seeing that there are some who rely on the internet as their only source of contact with the outside world. For some, it is a good escape from reality.
I have received many wonderful gifts in the form of kind words, awards, prayers, and new friendships....and for this, I am greatful.
The side effects of these new medicines are beginning to fade I think. Today I feel just a little bit better than I did yesterday. This is progress. And I am greatful for this as well.
I spent much of yesterday baking dog and cat treats for my four legged friends. Unfortunately, I fell asleep as the kitty batch was in the oven and they burned! I threw them in the garbage. About five minutes later, I found Nvwati with his nose stuck in the garbage digging out those little treats. When I scolded him, he gave me this look as if to say, "But mom! Why waste good food?"
Toronto has been experiencing a cold spell, of sorts, and I have not been able to spend much time outside with Nvwati. Hopefully today it will remain sunny and he will be able to have his usual free-run in his favourite play area for an hour or so.
On Saturday he will be competing in a pet singing contest sponsored by a Flea control company, at one of our parks in Toronto. We have been practicing singing daily, for this big event. Hey! Maybe you will see him on their advertising.....you never know! He may win....he has a lovely singing voice.
ANNE MARIE'S ENTRY INTO MY JOURNAL
I've been on holiday for three weeks, relaxing and enjoying myself. I expected to find things pretty much the same when I got back, after all, how much could change in such a short time, instead I find that our dear Amber has done more work in three weeks than most people do in a life time. I was reading through the work she has done on the internet and I was amazed! Her strength and honesty lets me know that no matter what happens, she will deal with it.
After I read Amber's work on the internet we talked for awhile and looked at where things are with her. Usually I give her an assignment to do at the end of our session, this time she gives me one! And this is it.
You really know your client is doing well when she gives you homework to do - and you do it! As I get to know Amber better and appreciate her skills and her gifts I become more and more thankful that she has entered my life. I am sure I have learned more from Amber than from anyone else in my life. I am glad she now has the opportunity to reach many other people with whom she can share her experience and her life. All the best Amber! Keep it up! - AM
JUNE 11, 1998
The weather has once again turned to cold, rainy days. Unfortunately for Nvwati, many of his puppy friends have not been in the park at the same times we have been. He has been pacing. Perhaps the fullness of Grandmother Moon has something to do with this as well.
I have been putting off doing some entries in my Memorial pages these past few days. Some were just a little bit harder than others. I tackled two more today, then stopped when I began to feel ovewhelmed.
My therapy session this week was focussed on tears. I am not one who cries easily. Anne Marie, I guess wanted to check in, to see if I am stuffing feelings. On Tuesday when I saw her, my spirit was light. I had no difficulty in convincing her that I see nothing wrong with crying, it is just that I seldom feel the need to cry. I spoke the truth.
Yet, today as I typed Bobbie's Memorial, I found myself crying uncontrollably.
Shortly before his death, I remember phoning a friend of mine who has a Bereavement Project for those affected by HIV/AIDS. During that call, I told her I thought there was something wrong with me because I could not cry any more when a friend died of AIDS. She told me that this was normal, that there have been so many deaths, too many deaths to grieve each one. This made sense to me at the time. Our obituaries rarely had a day where at least one person I knew was not listed. It was called grief overload.
Today as I tried to type the Memorials, I felt that grief return. That grief that had no time to surface before, easily flowed today. I must remember that tears are a bath of the spirit. The AIDS community has had somewhat of a reprieve this past year. It seems that the numbers of deaths have declined. These past three weeks, however, four people I knew have died because of AIDS. I guess it is now time to grieve.
JUNE 13, 1998
This morning Nvwati competed in a North American Pet Singing Competition. His ears perked up when I picked up my drum, and together we sang "Braveheart". He was asked to an encore! And then - he was interviewed by a number of television and radio stations. *S Gee, do you think maybe he has a chance of winning? Some of his puppy friends were there to cheer his debute performance. He is totally exhausted from his hard work today, and has crashed at my feet, his precious head laying on my feet as I play on my puter.
It was good for me to get out for a bit today. The sun was shining and while there we were blessed with some sun showers.
Feeling somewhat "icky" today, counting down the weeks before I can expect the side effects to leave.
The Thunder Spirits are visiting Toronto today so I guess I should turn this puter off, maybe have a nap, and then, this evening attend a feast at the Native Women's Resource Centre. It will be good to spend some time with some friends in our First Nations community, whom I haven't seen for some time, now.
JUNE 14,1998
I spent the most amazing day today in a workshop called "Intergenerational Grief", led by a wonderful Lakota Elder. This was, by far, one of the most memorable Healing Circles I have ever attended.
It was so good to be in a Women's Circle, to hear the heartbeat of the drums and to sing with other Anishnawbe Kwe. During our lunch break, I brought Nvwati over to the Centre, so he could sing for the women. Needless to say, he won the hearts of all! *S
I am tired now, and have decided to treat myself to a long, hot, bubble bath and go to bed early.
Over the years it seemed that every time this Elder (who lives in Arizona) would be in Toronto, I would be out of town doing a workshop in one of our communities. It was such an honour to meet her finally! This woman spoke the words that I have felt in my heart for a long time now.
She has invited me to Sundance in July. Today I put down Semaa (Tobacco) for this to happen. What an honour this would be.
JUNE 17, 1998
I awoke to the sun shining. I would like to spend some quality time outside with Nvwati today, so I hope it stays sunny.
I have been feeling pretty crappy these past couple of days....wondering if the side effects will ever subside. It seems that one diminishes and another begins. I find that I have little energy to do much of anything. Looking around my apt. I realize that it may be time to apply for homecare. I usually do only what I feel I must do, and not worry about the rest, but the "little things" are beginning to take a lot of energy.
Tonight the Wolf Clan is gathering in Toronto. It is time to feast our sister and brother Wolves. Also, we have work to do. It will be SO good to see my Clan Family! *S
I am also planning a trip to a wonderful wolf haven in Oregon this summer. I need to be there, to do some work, as well as to receive some much needed healing. Nvwati, of course, will be coming with me.
JUNE 19, 1998
I am tired.
JUNE 24,1998
I awoke and watched the sun wake up, as I read the many letters I have received during the night. Much has happened these past few days. I have known for some time now of a woman who was licenced to have a wolf sanctuary on her land in NC. She is a member of the Sisterhood of the Wolf. I visted her site and I knew in my gut that this woman was not who she claimed to be. I attended the Wolf Clan Gathering and I also have brought Semaa to my Elders including the Grandmother of the Wolf Clan, seeking guidance. Many, many prayers were offered for the safety of these wolves. Last weekend this woman posted the wonderful new of her newest litter on a Message Board. What followed was a lot of rage....women and men writing post after post about the situation. Most who responded knew nothing of what this woman was doing. Being the Wolf that I am, and known for speaking the truth and what is on my mind, I asked her how she could justify inbreeding as she does. Her response to me and to others is that we do not know Wolf Spirit. What I have since learned is that this woman is running a puppy mill!
I have left the Sisterhood of the Wolf, as have many others. It was my understanding that it was an organization of members who are fighting for the rights of wolves. Their Alpha of the Mother Pack has since admitted that this was never their reason for forming. I will follow WolfhawksLady in her new Circle - a place for those of us with Wolf Spirit to not only gather, but to fight for the safety of our Sister and Brother Wolves.
My health has not been good. Perhaps now that I know that something is being done, I can be more open to accepting the healing from the medicines I take. Today I will be monitored for the first time since beginning the new cocktail. I am also meeting with a newly diagnosed woman and her daughter today. Then I will attend a Talking Circle. While there I will post an update on the wolf situation in NC for the Wolf Clan to see.
Today is one of those days that I fight with both hands. I must, for I am Wolf!
I had a lot of difficulty sleeping last night. I awoke several times during the night, once to lay in a hot tub for awhile, attempting to get rid of some of the spasms. Finally, at 4AM I just got out of bed and sat here at my window, watching the City sleep. It is now 6AM and Nvwati is still asleep.
Yesterday I saw my Doctor for the first time since beginning the new cocktail. He said he expected the side effects I am experiencing and is hopeful that they will work for me. Later in the day I attended a Talking Circle for First Nations People living with HIV/AIDS. Ella, one of my Elders, always attends our Circle. It is so nice to see her. She looks so much like my Grandmother did. She has invited me to her home on the rez this weekend to pick some Sweetgrass. I do not have a car, but I am trying to figure out a way to do so.
When I met a newly diagnosed woman and her daughter last month, I was afraid I would have another child's name to add to my Children's Page. This woman was only diagoned HIV+ in January. As far as she can tell, she was infected at least five years ago. During this time she has given birth and breastfed her daughter for almost two years. Since we met I have been praying that this child would be okay. I long ago learned not to pray for what I want but for what is best. Sometimes I do not understand the results. My prayers for this family were that they would be okay. My gut told me that she would test negative. The little girl has since been tested and is testing HIV negative! Miigwetch Wendaam Manitou!!!
Today I have been subpenoed to testify at a hearing in regards to a dog fight I witnessed. I am not looking forward to this because a pit bull is involved, and many dog owners fear this breed of dog. At the fight that I witnessed, he was merely protecting himself from an attack on him by another dog. It was the other dog who was injured. Another irresponsible dog owner at our park will also be there to testify. She has said she wants the pit bull to be put down. I was told by Animal Control that without my testimony, this may well happen. And so, I must go and testify as to what I saw. I do not know if my words will be enough to prevent this from happening, but I must speak the truth. I guess I just have to trust the process in this. Still, it is not something I would prefer to do today.
JUNE 29,1998
I do not know whether or not my testimony at the hearing helped or not. The only one of the three dog owners who told the truth was the woman with the dog accused of the attacks. I was so fed up with it all, that I suggested to the judge that perhaps it might be a better idea for him to meet all the dogs involved and have the four leggeds show him the truth, because he would be more likely to get the truth, then. When he began talking about the decision he had to make regarding the outcome, I told him I had done what I was asked to do and had no intention on sitting there listening to him give a death sentence to a dog. I then got up and left. I do not know the outcome of the hearing.
Over the weekend I had a visit by one of the women I have met on line. She attended the Shaking Tent Ceremony with me. On Saturday we drove up to Cape Croker First Nations, to pick Sweetgrass. Yesterday I attended Toronto's Lesbian/Gay Pride Day event, along with about 800,000 others. I had a great time spraying people with water, selling merchandise for the Red Ribbon Campaign. I even met a woman from the US that I sometimes chat with online. Today I am feeling pretty drained, so I spent most of the day off line and relaxing. Tomorrow is another busy day for me, with two Specialists appointments.
My appetite is beginning to come back. I think this may be a good sign.
CONT'D
To follow the journey, click on the drum above, or to choose which page to visit next, click on link below:
INDEX
|
HOME PAGE |
| MY STORY |
| MY YOUTH |
| RECOVERY |
| BUFFY |
CHILDREN
| AIDS MEMORIAL |
| HIV/AIDS...TEACHING |
| HIV/AIDS....FAQ's |
| JOURNAL (1) |
| JOURNAL (2) |
| JOURNAL (4) |
|
| PHOTOS(MY
FAMILY) |
|
|
| PHOTOS(MY
PETS) |
| HONOUR |
| AWARDS |
| RINGS |
View My
Guestbook
Sign My
Guestbook
