| Is it me, or do mushrooms really disturb you too? I have a very deep-seeded hatred for them and want to know if I am alone with this idea. If I am, then pehraps I should seek some psychological counseling. To be honest, when it comes to mushrooms, if I could place a restraining order on them I would do it in a second. I hate them that much!! I do not like being around them nor do I care to eat anything that quite possibly could have been effected by their bad spirits. Let me explain. They are a fungus. I would have saved this for one of my stronger arguments against them but I do eat yogurt, therefore, I cannot base too much on that fact. Yet mushrooms are still a very disgusting texture both raw and cooked. When they are raw, they are quite displeasing to me since they feel like a crusty old diaper. But it is when these demon nature growths are cooked that bothers me the most since they take on this slimy brown look that makes them appear as if they had been sitting in your car's exhaust pipe for three weeks. But that is not all. They grow out of the ground, another point not very strong because I do eat carrots and radishes and most ground vegetables, yet those vegetables are often planted whereas the mushroom is this hideous freak of nature that I truly believe is the seed of the devil himself. My personal hell is guaranteed to be giant dancing mushrooms forcing themselves at me while I sit in front of an IMAX theater screen watching the ball go through Bill Buckner's legs over and over and over and over. This hatred for them has forced me to adapt in a world that is increasingly mushroom-friendly. As a child, there was a security knowing that 9 out of 10 restaurants did not use mushrooms in their lasagna. Presently, most restaurants feel a need to add them to not only their lasagna, but just about anything else on their menu, including fruit cocktail. Okay, perhaps I am exaggerating about the fruit cocktail but it almost seems to be true. If this trend continues, I may have to face the future of sustaining myself off of packets of sugar and Slim-Fast. It is not easy, but for now, I am alright. For instance, the uncooked mushrooms do not change my lifestyle much. If I find them in my salad, it is as simple as picking them out and flicking them with my knife as far as they may fly (this will get you escorted out of Ruby Tuesday's). But, when cooked, their poison has undoubtedly spread. When a mushrooms temperature rises and they begin to emit their devil-induced toxins (this is what makes them slimy and unworthy of trust), they spread their evil to all food items contained within the meal. This is the very reason I cannot pick the mushrooms out of a cooked meal and continue to eat it. The entire meal is branded with the seal of Lucifer himself and I will not put that in my body. Imagine little old me, forced to live around an increasing population of the mushroom eating cultists. This makes it virtually impossible to order pizza as a group, not to mention other things. But I do not hate you mushroom lovers. Just as I do not force my religious beliefs or lack of them on anyone, I do not despise those who love these growths so foul, they named the destructive blast of an atomic bomb after them. But do remember this, if you are ever on a date with me (ha, ha, I forgot, like that would happen to me) and you eat a mushroom, expect no kisses until the mouth has had a chance to cleanse itself of the nastiness. And the next time you are at the grocery store and you see me shopping for cucumbers trembling and convulsing in fear, at least now you will know that I am only scared that the mushrooms are going to come alive and bludgeon me to death with the zuchinni. |
| My Feelings about Mushrooms |
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