Opinions....

Hi!

I can't remember all what I read about cheating and marriage. I do agree that my cheating to my ex-husband was what you guys called "positive affair". I, however, believe that people cheat because they have issues unresolved with their partners, not because we are "naturally polygamous". My ex-husband and I had lots of issues unresolved and we were too immature to solve them. I have been in many relationships since then (6 years ago) where I did not feel the need to cheat and haven't.
I believe relationships are very tough and many people when they find themselves dissatisfied with something, they do things to get back at their partners and one of them is cheating. This, I find it to be a very negative way to deal with problems. It doesn't help anyone (the lover, the partner or the person who is cheating).
In the animal kingdom, we find a lot of animals that mate for life. Humans are supposed to be above the animal kingdom, so it is possible for them too. What humans need to do is become wise, knowledgeable and mature and then they will be able to engage in a mature and enriching relationship. When people love themselves, have integrity and know what they want is when they are capable of giving and expecting that from their mates. Wise people know how to deal with their problems and find enrichment in life with and without their partner, without the need to cheat. I am not saying that individuals are not capable of liking someone else just because they are involved. In this respect, I do believe we tend to be attracted to the opposite sex (or same sex, for that matter) for life and even having lustful thoughts about someone else is part of human nature. What I disagree is with the act of acting upon our desires when we are committed to someone, then unresolved issues do exist.
Another example, in the business world, the business that is most successful is the business that functions in an atmosphere of honesty, integrity and respect toward all workers and customers. When the opposite occurs, failure is surely to follow in one way or another.
Anyway, this is my opinion about your article,

 


 
  I found your website and was struck by it. Even though it is for women, it hit me like a bolt of lightning. I am a man, but much of what you write still applies.
Twenty-six years ago I married a very trim, very attractive woman. This was the woman who first attracted me and this is the woman I fell in love with. I love her more this day than I did the day I married her. But there is a problem that is getting very difficult to deal with. If I could deal with it, I would in a minute, but I can't. This problem is entirely hers and she refuses to do anything to make it better.
My wife has gained so much weight she refuses to get undressed in front of me and, more often than not, refuses to have sex. She knows that I find overweight people replusive, and she does nothing to change it. It is as if she does not care. You would think the solution would be easy-- exercise.
I have bought her book after book and tape after tape. The books are looked at, but remain unread. The tapes still have their wrapped plastic cover. When she does work out, she never breaks a sweat. "I don't sweat when I exercise, she says. I bought her a treadmill, an exercise bycycle, a stair climber and the biggest home gym Sears had to offer. They do little but collect dust. The greatest effort she expends is in the search of a "magic pill" that will melt the fat away with no expense of energy. Fen-Fen was a boon for her.
A few years ago, a young attractive girl stayed a few weeks with us. She was a friend of our oldest daughter. The reason she had spent the time with us was because of family problems at home. My wife and I have had quite a number of foster kids in the past so it felt natural to try to help her with her problems. The trouble was this girl was uncomfortable around my wife. I had found her a job working for a friend who owned a nearby restaurant. I had fixed this girl's car and loaned her money to get her started. The problems this girl had stemmed from a conflict with her adoptive mother. Her mother had adopted her because it was the "in" thing to do at the time. All of her friends were doing it. But that was as far as the motherhood went. Her mother did not treat her too well. She grew closer to her father, and consequently, closer to me.
Partly because of this girl's closeness to me and her bad reputation for seeking affection love in inappropriate ways, my wife soon suspected an affair. When everything came to a head, my wife screamed and yelled and beat her body yelling "I hate my body! I am going to change it! I promise you! Nothing happened. She gained more weight and grew more out of shape.
I can say nothing to her about weight loss, working out or voice anything that sounds remotely critical without being hit with "If you don't like it, don't look or You re always picking on me" or "If you're not happy you don't have to stick around." To her there is no constructive criticism, only criticism. Life is great as long as I watch every word I say and watch what direction I look when there are other women around. When she pleaded "why can't you just love me?" with tears streaming down her face, it tore out my heart. I swore I would never say another word and, until now, I have kept my word.
I have an old college friend I used to play handball with. She is slim and very atheletic. To have sex with this woman would be like having sex with my sister. It does not work. The reason I "used" to play handball with her is because it caused too many hard feelings with my wife. Do you know what really aggravates me? My wife could lose the weight, but it is easier to hide it with baggier and baggier clothes. I do alot of work outside. I will come in the house at 8 a.m, for a tool or a coffee refill and my wife will be sitting in front of "Montel Williams." I will come back in at 4 p.m. and she will be sitting in front of "Friends." The only thing that has changed is the channel.
I hear so many people spouting their trite little truisms about unconditional love, therapy, communication, and accepting people as they are. I love this woman and I if I am to grow old, I want to grow old with her. But at what cost. Where is the line drawn? I get so irritated with these people. I wish they would bag their bullshit. Communication does not always work. Unconditional love! What is that? Is it loving someone who has no respect for themselves or no drive? Is it loving someone who makes no effort to stay attractive? Is it loving someone who refuses to have sex with you because they are ashamed of their body and yet refuses to do anything about it? And what about therapy? She has no problem so what is the need of therapy? Or should she get therapy to show she needs to get therapy? I know what the solution is? There are two possible avenues I can take. I can get therapy so they can train me to find attraction in women whose flesh hangs over their elboes and their belly protrudes out past their breasts. I can learn to find attraction for women who wear the seam out between their legs before they do the cuffs of their pants. Or I can get therapy so I can better accept growing old with no intimacy, no sex. I can learn to resent women on the beach who work hard at caring for themselves or women who jog down the street to stay in shape. I can learn that what I feel is selfish and that love conquers all. I only have twenty more years then all I will care about is companionship. I suppose I can accept that small part of my life that makes me miserable or I can divorce and look for a better deal. One question you asked was if one small misery would, in time, begin to affect other parts of the marriage. I think with therapy,
communication, unconditional love and abiding by society's strict standards that will not be a concern.
Somewhere in the many pages I read, you referred to a relationship that was a "marriage killer". It was not at all what I had expected. I don't know what I expected. Until now, all this was more of a haunting feeling than conscious thought. About two years ago I met this total knockout and we became friends. We have a great mutual attraction for one another, but I would never dream of sleeping with her. I had always chaulked it up to loving my wife deeply and knowing deep down, or rather, felt that if I got involved with her it would only compound the discontent I felt at home. I knew it would surely end in divorce and hurting someone I love.
Samantha McShane wished you luck at the end of your interview. I think it will take more than luck or talent, Marshall. It is going to take a miracle. I would hate to tackle this subject. You are going up against a stacked deck and will be telling people what they feel but never wanted to admit. I don't know if I am better or worse for it. Good luck.

Yes, affairs are always wrong, because God said "Don't do adultery". However, they are not any more wrong than other forms of betrayal, such as broken promises (Don't lie), lack of affirming compassion, unkindness, etc.........
It really doesn't matter what the reasons are for our sin.....it remains sin. But all sin is the same in God's eyes.
No, an affair can't save a marriage. Two people who love each other can save a marriage. Sometimes, one of those partners may refuse to see, refuse to acknowlege, and refuse to repent of their own wrongdoings and unlovingness, until an affair or some major trauma broadsides them like a freight train!
But i wouldn't have an affair just to try to save a marriage: 1-it might not work, 2-it involves a third person who should not be used in such a way.
Truth and Love are always appropriate.
Of course these are just my opinions.


Dear TLM,

Thank you for your participation in AOL Women's Message Boards at
Keyword: Women Talk. Unfortunately, your message in the Moral Dilemmas folder
on the Wellness/Spirituality message board has been hidden. I'd like to explain why the post, which is copied below, was hidden.

Basically, you seem to need members to help you with a project, your post is in effect a survey. You are probably not aware that surveys are NOT allowed in the AOL Women area. You may find that the best place to do research would be to put an ad in AOL Classifieds for member input. We hope that you will utilize this to do your research.

Remember that America Online's Terms of Service and AOL WomenTalk's Guidelines discuss the language and behavior appropriate for the online community. Please take the time to familiarize yourself with these community standards. We in AOL Women consistently strive to comply with these policies in order to ensure a safe, comfortable, and enjoyable environment for our members.

Again, thank you for your participation!

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:::::::::::::::::::Your Post::::::::::::::::::::::::
Path: Keyword: womentalk>Women Talk Message Boards>Wellness>Spirituality>Moral Dilemmas
Subject: An affair as a complement to marriage?
Date: Tue, 20 July 1999 01:00 AM EDT
From: TLM
Message-id: <19990720010016.21585.00000666@ng-fb1.aol.com>
Generally, our culture views extramarital affairs with contempt. Few people understand and even more refuse to accept the affair as a viable alternative to the destruction of divorce or the emotional resignation to a marriage devoid of intimacy, passion or love. Many would rather passively follow the declarations of socio-religious thought and view adultery as a crime more harmful than loneliness, abuse or neglect.
Their view is based on a comparison with their own marriage and that of an imagined social ideal. They see the similarities in a marriage, but are blind to the differences. Their ideal is one that emphasizes marriage, but fails the individual in the equation. Are affairs always wrong? Is society ready for an objective examination? http://www.oocities.org/wellesley/garden/6062 Lee Marshall, Utah.
Perhaps I should explain why I listed a refusal to post a message to a bulletin board by a representative of AOL. This person decided to hide the post on what he or she deemed was inappropriate. Apparently the submission inappropriate for whoever read the posts on this board. The surveys she mentioned are entirely voluntary to read and submit. Who is making the choice for whom? If you were a woman seeking a post relating to an extramarital affair on a board entitled Moral Dilemmas and found none because someone decided it was unfit for you to view, would you resent it?
When I first began this project I tried to place an ad in our local paper--The Daily Herald in Provo, Utah. The ad sought opinions on this very sensitive subject. Here is a newspaper-- a newspaper, like all newspapers, that boasts and stands proud of their objectivity--refusing to post an ad because it violates local community standards. The classified editor asked if this project was affliated with the Brigham Young University, a local, LDS church owned institution. When he heard my answer was no, he refused the ad and instructed his clerk to refund my money.
 
Crystal--
I am a 40 year old mother of five. Three years ago my husband collapsed during a Sunday barbeque with the family. He suffered a stroke that destroyed 43 percent of his brain. The stroke left him partially paralyized and almost totally dysfunctional. Now, three years later, he can move about the house but he functions on the level of a four year old. My husband was a fine man and a good father. For 26 years ours was a life of bliss.
Since his stroke I had been praised for being a dutiful wife, for standing by him, for refusing to confine him to a rest home and for taking care of his every wish and need.
But then last year I met a very good man and it was like being thrown back into the adult world. The third time we met for coffee, we ended up back at his apartment where he made love to me. No, correct that, where we made love to each other!!! It had been so long since I had been in the arms of a man my body shook. The sex was great and I cried. It was the first time I had felt like a woman since that terrible sunday. But now, in the eyes of his family and friends, I am a slut and a whore. "I have used his stroke as an excuse to f**K other men!...I have committed adultery in the eyes of the Lord!" His mother yelled at me: "You should be thinking about your kids and Loren, not yourself!" My Bishop contacted my lover and when he told them to mind their own business and threw them out, they stopped by my home for a prayer and a friendly chat. That was the first time I had seen them since Loren was released from the hospital almost three years ago. They praised me for my strength in the battles I have won so far and prayed that the Lord give me continued strength and to forgive my weakness. They said I am being tested. They had been talking to Loren's mother.
I am forty years old and I am still a woman. When do my feelings count????
Sent from Mail Form posted at: http://www.oocities.org/Wellesley/Garden/6062/opinions.html (COMMENTS) --------------------------------------------------------------------------- I just ended a 6 year affair with the most beautiful women I ever knew. We both had intended to divorce our spouses and remarry. We lived together for 3 years and during that time we both realized that neither one of us was as perfect as we had first thought. Finally it became apparent that if we did marry within a few years we probably would be no better off than we were with our original spouse. That's because an affair is an illusion and a fantasy where both parties put their best foot forward 100% of the time. When reality sets in the bubble bursts and you find that it was all just an illusion. I'm not saying that it wasn't a great illusion because I truly believe that during my 6 year long affair life couldn't be better, but it brought pain and sorrow also. I came to realize how selfish I was for doing what I had done and that it could never work out in the long haul. Why? Because it was a relationship built on lies and mistrust. The new marriage would have a foundation based on divorce and cheating. How could it be everlasting? I also realized that all relationships need to be worked at. No relationship can sustain the romantic love high of an affair forever. After reality sets in we all have to meet the emotional needs of our partners or someone else will meet them. That's when the affair starts the cycle all over again. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------
 
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