• Wherever Sarah grew up, no one must visit the parks, otherwise tens of people would have been laughing at the dorky girl in the bizarre costume talking aloud to a sheep dog.
• Always hide your lines up your sleeve.
• Even though there is a giant clock in your town that is seemingly taller than everything else, it is still possible to not realize it is 7 o’clock.
• Be nice to owls, because you never know when they might come and take your annoying sibling away.
• When the rain soaks your dog into a drippy moppish mess, the amazing blow dryer door way of your home will magically decrease your own saturation by 73%.
• Having fantasies about your mother’s boyfriend is just weird.
• When all of your stuffed animals, posters and toys turn into life-sized creatures in a tangible world, you’ve had one too many glasses of Mountain Dew - go to bed.
• The mattress in your parents room is made of stone. See how it doesn’t even move when you jump on it.
• Inviting your boyfriend and his critters into your parents’ room is a no no.
• Having David Bowie in a room with a bed and trying to bargain with him in any way that doesn’t involve the removal of restrictive clothing makes you an idiot.
• Don’t defy him.
• If the Goblin King offers you your dreams, take them, but first, make them naughty.
• If the Goblin King tells you your no match for him, asking him what he thinks of your pair.
• It’s always further than you think.
• When traveling, its important to invite your feet along, otherwise they may stay behind, making running very difficult.
• Ask the right questions.
• Fairies bite.
• When entering a Labyrinth which looks seemingly symmetrical, look both ways, announce they look the same and then run madly down the side which has the most debris for you to jump over and juke around.
• It’s very impolite to not remember other peoples names.
• Don’t pick wedgies or otherwise inappropriately touch yourself in front of the lichen, they have eyes you know.
• Things are not always as they seem.
• Whine and scream a lot, it may not make a turn appear but it will summon a blue haired worm who can give you directions to the nearest door and offer you tea.
• It’s not fair, it’ll never be fair, you’re 14 you should know that by now.
• Walking through walls is a trick that only works in th Labyrinth do not attempt to use it at parties to impress your friends.
• OK, so worm boy doesn’t know the way through the Labyrinth, but he knows that if you go “that” way you’ll go straight to the castle, stop me if I’m wrong, but isn’t that what getting through the Labyrinth means.
• The Animals’ Rights people obviously don’t give a shit if puppets abuse chickens.
• David Bowie should always where tights, and boots, and carry a riding crop and...
• You are the descendant of a fraggin’ aardvark, odds are your father smelt of elderberries.
• It’s rude to smear your trashy red lipstick on people’s roofs.
• There’s a fine line between a rousing game of woopsy daisy and a phone call to children and youth services.
• In most states, fondling a 14 year old illegal, even if you use that old “helping hands” excuse.
• Jim Henson sold his soul to the devil. How else could he make a movie that accentuates David Bowie’s crotch, shows a man playing with his balls all the time, contains no few than 49 sexual references and blatant phallic symbols and still get a PG rating?
• Plastic is apparently very valuable Underground, you may want to start saving up those recyclables.
• When the Goblin King leans precariously over you and asks, How you’re enjoying his Labyrinth, the correct response should involve some sort of blatant innuendo.
• Always have a basis for comparison.
• If you don’t know well enough to run from a spinning menagerie of blades, you deserve to get shredded into a million pieces.
• Wise man is sometimes just a title.
• Door knockers are smart things. I wouldn’t want a knocker in my mouth after some huge beast drooled all over it. Very unsanitary.
• When Jareth and Toby are in the throne room and Toby burps, has he just eaten? If so, then when Jareth says “You’re welcome” do you suppose it’s because he’s just used his moobies to nurse the child? Eeew!
• Hey some of the rocks look just like David Bowie, that must really piss Jareth off.
• Fruit makes a good present for that hard to buy for someone.
• One in every 10 fireys is Jamaican.
• It’s against the rules to throw other peoples heads.
• Next time you feel compelled to kiss a dwarf, just pinch his bottom instead.
• You must have permission to pass, it’s got nothing to do with connections, not even nepotism.
• The Bog of Eternal Stench isn’t as bad as they make it sound. Those stones are coated in bog water. That whole “you so much as step in that stuff line is for the kids I think.
• Jareth doesn’t approve of littering. Don’t throw your peaches in the bog.
• An apple a day may keep the doctor away, but a peach gets you a dance with the king!
• Repeat after me, “Do not break the bubble. Do not break the bubble. Do not break the bubble.”
• If some one comes up to you at a fantasy masquerade and asks you to lift the lid on his box, try and recall the media story about Pee Wee Herman and politely walk away.
• When dancing with the king, it is important you not look away and preoccupy yourself with the dalliances in the room around you. David Bowie is singing to you while making actual contact with your body, if you’re not going to enjoy, step aside and one of us will gladly take your place.
• Everything you own is junk.
• Guards are heavy sleepers.
• Putting your finger on the end of a fox’s nose will make him stop talking. Wait a minute, foxes don’t *gulp* talk!
• Pay no attention to the man beneath the helmet.
• We sometimes talk like we’re bigger than we really are.
• Giant boulders make lousy house guests.
• Facing the king alone may be the way it is done, but facing away from the king while bent over a comfortable chair can do rather nicely.
• If you need someone call them.
• You must be at least this tall to play in th Escher room.
• Dressing your brother like a stick of candy before wishing him away will make him easier to locate.
• Babygates are a household luxury, as we see in the Escher room, it’s perfectly acceptable to let children climb stairs, peer over ledges and play with glass.
• If the Goblin King asks you to fear him, love him and do as he says in exchange for his being your slave the appropriate responses is always OK, you’ve got a deal. If you’re somehow uncertain, see lesson above regarding looking about while dancing.
• He has power over you, you twit. Now that you know Toby’s all snug in his crib, go check those white cotton panties of yours and you’ll see just how much power he has over you.
• Giving your little brother your teddy bear doesn’t not make up for the fact you were 2 minutes away from his being turned into a goblin.
• Parents obviously can’t hear the slightest peep of a party in your room that involves 25 fantasy creatures. Not to mention you must have incredible sturdy floors to hold up a one ton beast! Impressive.