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Credit to Laura of Whoah Ooh Yeah for the ?suggestion? of this episode!

Episode Five ? A Pain In The Ass Indeed!

***** Team Taki *****

?I can?t believe you tricked me into voting my lover Shane off the island!? Nicky screamed at J. Lo.
J. Lo bobbed her neck in reply. ?I had to get one of you homosexuals off the island! We couldn?t stand you guys touching each other!?
Nicky blushed when he realized Mark and Christina were listening into the conversation. He turned to Mark and yelled, ?Don?t act innocent Mark! You know you?re bisexual!?
Mark threw his case of silver eye shadow down to the sandy beach. ?For the last time, Mr. Bulge, I am not bi!? He screeched and strutted off in anger.
?Mark, you turdhead! You threw my eyeshadow into the sand!? Christina screamed and shook her burned hair, which had been set aflame at the last immunity challenge.
Mark spun around immediately. ?Oh my god! You?re right!? He scurried back to where he had dropped it and picked it up as if it was the most precious thing to him in life. ?Now, I?m finally leaving!?
J. Lo grunted in annoyance and sighed. ?Gay people are so predictable.?
Nicky felt his blood boil. ?Shane is not what you think! He tends to my needs!?
?Like giving you a nice hand job every once in a while? You know he has a girlfriend!? J. Lo retorted and hopped inside the tent and zipped it shut. ?Now, leave me alone!?
Nicky ran his fingers through his dirty blonde hair and watched the silhouette of J. Lo?s curvy figure and started to feel very horny as he watched her shadow taking off her tank-top and booty shorts. ?Oh God?. I?m not in love with Shane!? he thought and rushed inside the tent to get a piece of her.

***** Meanwhile at Team Taki *****

?Where?s Bryan?? Kian asked Britney when he couldn?t find Bryan anywhere. The food still remained on the cooking skillet and it seemed very strange to Kian that Bryan hadn?t ate it yet, like he usually did.
Britney glanced up from her shorts, in which she was ripping apart to make more clothes. ?I dunno but Chyna?s out hunting for some meat tonight.? She replied and went back to her shorts.

***** In the dense jungle *****

?Little piggy, little piggy, where are you?? Chyna cooed while holding a spear in her hand. She tiptoed through the dark jungle, hoping to catch sight of a wild boar that had been roaming around the last couple of nights. ?Little piggy!? she called out a little bit louder.

Bryan looked around after hearing Chyna?s voice. ?Ooh! She wants to play hide and go seek!? he exclaimed and jumped behind a tree when he heard her approaching. ?I?ll show her that I?m really the king at this game!? Bryan pulled down his pants to surprise her by mooning her.
Chyna heard leaves rustling and she raised her spear in the air. ?Gotcha little piggy.? She cackled evilly and walked quietly to the tree where she heard the noise. She spotted a little patch of brown hair and immediately threw the spear at the brown thing she saw.
?AAAAHHHHHH!!!!!! Oh fuck!!!!!!? Bryan screamed when he felt a sharp pain in his bum. ?Oh my fucking?.. I?ve been stabbed!? Bryan wailed and fell on the ground in pain, spear sticking out of his bum in the air.
Chyna pounced onto the pig she thought she had stabbed, but saw a crying Bryan on the jungle floor with her spear lodged inches into his brown hairy ass. She grew pale the moment her eyes met with his.
?Did I do that?? Chyna said, imitating Urkel?s accent when Bryan looked up in agony.
?Yeah?. On the other hand, it feels kinda good though!? Bryan moaned and smiled.

***** Immunity Challenge *****

Jeff laughed as soon as he saw Bryan crawling to the podium with a huge spear sticking out of his ass.
?Bryan! What did you do?? Mark yelled at Bryan.
Bryan looked up really high. ?Now I know how it feels to have someone up your ass like you usually do.?
Mark?s face grew red so he kicked Bryan over to stop him from laughing.
?Mark! Stop that!? Jeff scolded Mark. ?I?ll take away your makeup if you don?t treat Bryan nicely!?
Mark looked at the ground in shame.
?Yeah! You already owe me money for my M.A.C. lipstick!? Christina belittled Mark and cleared her voice.
?Will you crazy celebrities shut up?? Jeff threw his hat down and picked up some cue cards. ?Today?s immunity challenge will be your last as a team. I will ask each of you a question that is related to the rumours about you out in the real world,? Jeff winked mischievously at the tribe members. ?We have confirmed all of these rumours, and if you lie, you?re out of the game. The last person remaining wins this fricking idol for their team!?
Nicky and Christina gulped as soon as Jeff finished explaining the rules.
Jeff beckoned for Mark to come up first. ?Mark, is it true that you insisted on playing a woman in your school play when you were younger??
Mark felt his arms go limp. ?Yes.? He whispered in a hushed tone.
Jeff knew now was his chance. ?I can?t hear you Mark.?
?Yes!!!!? Mark screamed and crossed his arms in embarrassment as the others roared with laughter on the sidelines.

***** Christina is the one of the last two remaining, the other being Nicky *****

Jeff picked up the last cue card. ?Christina, if you tell the truth, you will win immunity for your team. Is it true that you actually have a life size poster of Westlife??
Christina stamped her tiny little feet and wailed. ?God, why are you punishing me? Of course I have a stupid ass poster of Westlife above my bed, and yes I do like them! Are you freaks happy?? she screamed at everyone before sulking onto the bench.
Jeff picked up the idol of Elton John and handed it to Christina. ?You have won for your team!?
Christina took one look at the idol and vomited all over it. ?Go to hell Jeff!
Nicky, pick up the freaking idol!?

***** Tribal Council *****

?So, what have we learned today?? Jeff teased everyone.
Bryan shot his hand up. ?I learned that Chyna is actually a man.?
Chyna growled in response and Bryan, who was lying on the floor with the spear still stuck up his ass, quickly apologized. ?Yes sir. I mean, yes ma?am.?
?Kian, you?re up first to vote someone off for good.? Jeff informed Kian and Kian got up.

***** Voting booth speeches *****

Kian: ?I really want to vote Chyna off since she?s a man. That freaking woman, I mean man, or whatever the hell she is, scares the piss out of me. No wonder she loved to touch me on the ass! But my vote is going to Bryan. Obviously, he can?t support himself with that damn spear in his sorry ass!?

Britney: ?Um?. I said I had an alliance with Chyna, but it weirds me out too much to keep her on the island. But I don?t want to get beaten to a pulp if I go behind her back, so I?ll vote Kian off. I don?t know why. He?s the only decent looking guy in our tribe and I have to vote him off?

Chyna: What a pleasure it was to watch Bryan squirm all day. I think he could be my sex slave or something! But Kian is ruining the whole thing! What?s with his growling thing? Can?t he see that he?s more likely to be scaring away the ladies rather than trying to seduce them?

Bryan: (on the ground, out of the camera?s view) ?Hello? Is anyone there? I can?t see the camera or reach for the paper! Why am I down here? Oh yeah? I?m supposed to vote someone off? I?m going to vote Britney off because she has a leak in one of her three or four boobs, so pretty much her!?

***** Back at Tribal Council *****
Jeff put down the voting jar and started to take a piece of paper out. ?Oh Lord, let it be Bryan please.? He prayed out loud.
?Am I winning?? Bryan piped in from the ground.
Jeff looked down and nodded his head in annoyance.
?Yay!? he replied and started to pay attention to an ant crawling by.
Jeff read the first vote. ?My prayers have been answered! Bryan is the first vote!?
?Yay!? Bryan exclaimed and wiggled around.
?Second vote, what does this say?. Boob Girl? I can?t tell which one of you is the Boob Girl since you both have massive hooters anyway!? Jeff told Chyna and Britney.
?Oh that?s me,? Britney smiled. ?Chyna?s a man remember??
?Oh yeah. Thanks for reminding me.? Jeff laughed and read another vote. ?Third vote goes to Kian.?
Kian heard Chyna cackle and saw her lick her lips.
?Don?t look at me like that you he man!? Kian yelled at her.
?Kian, shut up!? Jeff screamed at Kian and read the fourth and last vote. ?The fifth person to be voted of Hoku Island is Kian. Kian, hand me your torch won?t you?? Jeff sinisterly said.
Kian looked helpless.
?Of course, you can?t. So we?ll just haul you out. Security!? Jeff motioned to the security guards who picked up Kian like a skewered pig and trotted away with him.
Jeff turned his attention back to the remaining tribe members. ?Another Gaylord gone. Well, you have a merger coming up so be sure to be wary of the new tribe members you will have soon.? He warned everyone and hopped into his private helicopter, leaving the three people stranded and alone.