January 1990
- June 2003
This is his story
Great, they're getting up. I can hear 'em. Food time again. I'm starving. Could eat a horse. Probably what I'll get.
Prerequisite piddle in garden. Tum te tum te tum. Ah, that's better. Nothing like a good slash over the rhododendrons.
Come on, then. Where is it? Never mind your bloody caffeine hit, where's my grub?
Okay, ignore me, see if I care. I'll just curl forlornly around my bowl and look real sad.
That did it. Oh wow! One weetabix and an eyedrop of milk. Sure you can spare it? Jeez!
What now? Walkies? Oh go on go on go ...
Oh. They've gone out without me. That's not nice, is it. Why couldn't I go, too?
Maybe they'll come back ... ?
... Maybe I'm deluding myself.
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.
Yawn. Stretcb. God, I'm bored.
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.
Stretch. Yawn. What can I do now? I know, I'll just nip that little splinter off the edge of the doorframe, that'll please them.
Jesus Christ! How did that whacking great hole get there?
I'll just lie right the way over here. They won't know it was me.
This floor's hard. Sofa's more comfy. Cushions chews easier than wood, too.
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.
Yeah! They're back! And about time, too. Where've you been? What you done? Brought anything nice for me? What's in the bag? Let's have a look? Pat me some more, that's it. More. More. Mo ...
Whoops! He's noticed the hole. And the shredded cushion covers. Don't look at me mate, didn't see a thing. Probably the cat. Or rats ...
He's got that murderous look in his eye. Okay, I surrender, I confess, I can't be held responsible for my own actions, I'm only a dog.
Try the Flat-On-The-Back-With-Paws-In-The-Air routine. I'll offer him my submissive belly and hope he doesn't go for the balls, sometimes works.
Nope, not this time. He's given me a verbal ear bashing. Not so bad. I can take it. But I'll slink guiltily into the kitchen just in case. Repentance always looks good. I'm not proud.
Right, which one's gonna feed me, then? Whaddayamean, it ain't time yet! My stomach says its time. Listen.
Grrowwlrrruimblessssquelchbh.
Just have to make do with this mangy old bone, then. What I wouldn't give for a decent sized steak.
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.
Ah shoot! Kids are home. Yeah, that's right, pull my tall, sit on my head, see if I care. I'll get you later, you little monsters. Trip you up when you're running, chew up your favourite toy. Teach ya to mess with me, kiddo.
Must have a doze to conserve energy.
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.
WHASSAT! Oh bugger it. Get off me, you twerp. What am I, a horse? Gimme a break, for crying out loud.
Yeah, that's it, go and decapitate the cat instead.
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ ... huh ?
That's the sound of my lead being taken off the hook. Yippeeee, I'm outta here. Just dash into hallway to check.
Whoops, sorry about that, kid. Didn't see you there. Damn silly place to lie, if you ask me. Oh, do stop bawling, it's only a scratch. S'not my fault they haven't cut my claws this month, is it?
Yeah! Walkies. Great. Come on, get it on, stop pithering about, let's go.
And we're off.
Drag him to the door. Drag him down the road. Drag him across the park.
Wait a sec. A lampost. Must have a sniff. 'Rover Was Here.' 'Butch Rules O.K.' 'Patch Loves Patty.’ S’funny, thought Patch was seeing that standard poodle at number thirty-eight called Fluff. Tsk, talk about fickle.
Wow wow wow! What's this? A bitch on heat. No mistaking that scent, baby. Gorra find that gal
Hey, pack it In. I don't wanna go that way. I wanna track down this cute little bitch.
WILL YOU PLEASE STOP YANKING MY NECK OFF!
Bloody spoilsport. S'gettin' so a hot-blooded dog can't get his oats no more. S'alright for you, pounding the bedsprings every night. Yeah, I can hear ya. But what am I s'posed to do with this ruddy great hard-on, eh?
Alright, I'm coming. Miserable sod.
Oh no. There's Monty, the mad Mastiff. I'll sneak passed between Master's legs.
Well, excuse me, Mr Man! How was I to know you'd trip over me, fall flat on you face and burst a few dozen blood vessels in your nose. Oh, don't go on. It was an accident, I tell you.
Monty's outta range now. I'll show that dumb animal who's boss. No, don't hold me back. I just wanna couple o'bites at the old bugger.
Woa! He's spotted me. He's coming. Lets go, man. Come on!
Phew.
Home again? So soon?
Oh.
Done the walkies bit, now where's the food?
Come on, where's the grub?
Oi! Dinner! I'm fainting with hunger here. Look ...
Flop.
And about time, too. Yuk, soggy Sainbury's shit in a tin again. Mixed with gravel, the sadists. Bloody painful to pass, I can tell you.
Nice appetiser, where's the rest of it?
What! No more! One little, tiny, measly half-filled bowl that wouldn't feed a flea! That's it!
Well, blow me!
Ah well, more sleep then. Move over, kid, this is my spot. Nice warm fire. Nice soft carpet to wipe my mouth on. Bliss.
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.
Get that bloody Action Man truck off my back, will ya?
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.
Somebody going in the kitchen? Anything for me? No?
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.
Huh, another twelve hours until food time again. What shall I do? Chew up a towel? Run round the house trailing bog roll? I could do with a piddle.
Just listen to that wind, that rain. No night to send a dog out, is it.
Ahhhh, relief..
Oh balls. He's got that look in his eye again. What the frig-bollicking-hell have I done this time.
What? That puddle? That yellow, smelly pool of piss on the floor? Hey, do I look like that kind of dog?
I do!
Okay, my bladder let me down. Can't blame me for that, can you?
Oh, you can.
Wey hey, I'm flying!
Bloody freezing out here. I'm soaked. Wonder if they'll feed me when I get back in ...
... If I ever get back in. I'll just sing a bit to pass the tine.
Howl, whine, whimper whimper, bark. Howl, whine, whimper whimper, bark. One of my favourites, that.
Howl, whine, whimper whimper, bark -
Ha, that's grabbed some attention. Neighbours are throwing stuff at me (that's an interesting shoe) and telling me to Shurrup, or words to that effect.
And here's the master now. Yippee.
Oh, now I remember. That song always puts him in a bad mood for some strange, unknown reason.
TAKE YOUR HAND OFF MY COLLAR, YOU BRUTE! Ouch! Oooch!
Well, that was nice, wasn't it. A sudden display of temper climaxing in a swift cuff around the cranium. But at least I'm indoors again.
Wait a minute. What's going on? No kids, big 'uns chewing foamy coloured sticks? They always do that when ... when ...
Bedtime! Already? How about a last supper? At least think about it.
No, don't shove me in the hall. Can't I sleep with you, huh?
Fine. You toddle off to your soft mattress and I'll flop on this rock hard floor. I'm only a dog, after all.
ZZZZZZZZ . . .
Wonder what's for breakfast?
